(Minghui.org) I joined a new Fa study group and after a while a conflict surfaced. I understood that it was the result of my searching outward, not cultivating my xinxing well, and not studying the Fa deeply over a long period of time.
I always felt that I was right, and that my understanding of the Fa was right, but fellow practitioners kept blaming me for everything, and my suggestions were often turned down. I knew that Dafa cultivators need to look within and that it was not an accident when something happened, so it had to be the result of my attachments. I realized that my human heart needed to change to a cultivator's heart. Still, when I received too much criticism, I could not help but argue.
It was just like what Master said:
“Wanting to explain just feeds the attachment” (“Don't Argue” from Hong Yin III)
Finally, one day, an intense conflict occurred. That was the night we all sat watching Master's Fa lectures. At first, everyone was sitting quietly and watching the lectures, but shortly afterward, some began drinking water and walking around. I felt uncomfortable and wondered how they could disrespect the Fa and Master like this. However, I felt that even if I mentioned something, they would not listen. Instead, I got closer to the screen, thinking that I would listen attentively even if no one else did. But my heart could not settle down.
“But normally when a problem arises, if it does not irritate a person psychologically, it does not count or is useless and cannot make him or her improve.” (Zhuan Falun)
After a while, when a fellow practitioner moved her child who had fallen asleep to a nearby bed, I got angry. I moved up to the TV so close that my nose almost touched the screen. A fellow practitioner asked me why I'd moved so close to the TV. I yelled out: “I cannot hear!” That night we did not listen to the Fa well. Some left early, being affected by my anger, and some stayed and finished watching the lecture. I finished watching the lecture with an unsettled heart.
I went back to my place and still felt upset. I felt wronged and perplexed. I sat in front of Master's picture, thinking what went wrong with me. Why was it that no matter where I went, I caused disturbances. Even when I was at home, I caused turmoil, and now living with fellow practitioner, I also caused trouble. I knew that I had to search within. I looked at Master's picture and thought: “I have to improve myself. These tribulations are for me to elevate my xinxing. I need to seize the opportunity to improve. I must look for my problem.”
The next afternoon, I went to a fellow practitioner's home. On my way, I suddenly realized that I was too selfish. I only saw my difficulty, and I could not see others' sacrifice. I only wanted to protect myself from being harmed. Even though I felt I was respecting the Fa and Master, how could I do it with such a selfish mentality?
Master taught us:
“Do you realize that as long as you’re a cultivator, in any environment or under any circumstances, I will use any troubles or unpleasant things you come across—even if they involve work for Dafa, or no matter how good or sacred you think they are—to eliminate your attachments and expose your demon-nature so that it can be eliminated, for your improvement is what’s most important.
“If you are able to succeed in improving yourself this way, what you do then, with a pure heart, will be the best and most sacred.” (“Further Understanding” from Essentials for Further Advancement)
When I realized this, my mentality changed, the blockage in my heart disappeared, and the surrounding environment became harmonious. That afternoon, I shared with fellow practitioners with a calm mentality, and fellow practitioners also looked within. Therefore, the conflict was resolved.
When I stayed in a tribulation for a long time and felt that I could not handle it anymore, in the mist of xinxing conflict I would say things like not being able to cultivate anymore. In reality, I would never leave Dafa. I knew those thoughts and words were not mine. Fellow practitioners reminded me to never say that I would not cultivate anymore. I nodded in agreement. I should eliminate those notions as soon as they surface; otherwise, it is disrespectful to Master and irresponsible to sentient beings.
In my understanding, as long as one has not completely eliminated selfishness, conflicts will come up. I understood that Master wanted me to hurry up and catch up with Fa rectification, so after one test just passed another came immediately.
On the Minghui website, a fellow practitioner suggested that we put Shen Yun Performing Arts DVD with the corresponding flyer in one bag, in order to prevent people from throwing away the flyer prematurely. I felt the suggestion was good and wanted to roll up the flyer and tie it to the DVD with a blue ribbon, so it would look better. I discussed this idea with a fellow practitioner and she agreed.
Soon after, we developed a conflict over the education of her child (a young practitioner). As she criticized the little one, I felt each word pierce my heart. I told myself to be patient and search within. My human heart resurfaced, however, and I felt particularly sad. I began to study the Fa on my computer.
“Forbearance is the key to improving one’s xinxing. To endure with anger, grievance, or tears is the forbearance of an everyday person who is attached to his concerns. To endure completely without anger or grievance is the forbearance of a cultivator.” (“What is Forbearance (Ren)?” from Essentials for Further Advancement)
I read it over and over. I felt it was so hard, but I told myself that I must forbear, I must search within, because I want to cultivate, and I want to improve my level.
I read Master's Fa:
“That's because human beings all have debts to pay off that are owed over here and owed over there, and everybody has suffering they have to go through, and it's precisely during such difficulties that you show whether you can cultivate.” (“Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Western U.S. Fa Conference” from Teaching the Fa at the Conference V)
I gradually calmed down and began searching within. I realized it was my selfishness that had not been eliminated completely. I was still doing things from my selfish side.
As for the education issue of the little fellow practitioner, if I did it according to my way, which may not necessarily be right, I could mislead the little one. His mother, on the other hand had to take the responsibility. Why should I feel upset? It was again my selfish heart. I paid too much attention to my feeling and emotions. When I thought it through, I felt that many attachments and corrupted substances left my body.
After these tests, I truly felt that I had eliminated numerous corrupt substances from my heart. I no longer felt so heavy-hearted. I also discovered many attachments: fear, resentment, relying on others, jealousy, showing off mentality, lust, desire of comfort, reputation, and validating myself. I tried my best to suppress these attachments and sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate them.
As an everyday person, it is not easy to look within, but as cultivators, we have to search and look within and cultivate ourselves. “Cultivate” is a verb. One has to actively cultivate away the human heart and all corrupt substances; only then can one be pure and do the things that Dafa practitioners should do well.
Please kindly point out any shortcomings.