(Clearwisdom.net)
Greetings to Revered Master!
Greetings to Fellow practitioners!
I'm from Montreal. I started cultivation practice in 1995. I feel so grateful to be a disciple of benevolent Master. Meanwhile, I feel the urgency of still having so many attachments. Master taught us the great Fa and suffered immensely for us. However, I have still been improving slowly and holding onto many human notions. I would like to take this opportunity to expose and let go of my attachments. I hope to use the power endowed by Master to save sentient beings and follow the path arranged by Master with a pure heart.
Letting Go of Attachments, Purifying in Dafa
I arrived in Canada in March 2001 and became the chief assistant for the Montreal practice site in April 2004. From 2001 to 2004, as an ordinary practitioner, I did not encounter too many conflicts with my fellow practitioners. After becoming a coordinator, I spent more and more time with my fellow practitioners. My attachments had to be exposed in different environments, therefore, there came more and more conflicts.
As a coordinator, I am subject to all kinds of comments. In the beginning I could stand critical comments because I felt I was inferior to others due to lack of skills. After a couple of years, I could not stand criticism since I felt stronger and more confident. I knew that I needed a bigger heart. However, I improved too slowly, and could not keep up with the standard required for a coordinator. Many times I could not maintain good xinxing. When someone blamed me, I would flare up, starting an argument. I attributed this to others' attachments. That is to say, when I was supposed to upgrade my xinxing, I turned the opportunity down. I not only wasted my own time, but also caused gaps for others.
Sometimes I felt something was not right and would want to remove those gaps, however, I did not know how to do it properly. I would then give up. In fact, I wanted to enjoy peace of mind, but did not dare to let go of my attachments.
Once during a meeting with several other assistants, one person did not seem to be on good terms with the others, but she refused to say anything. I was not sure what the problems could be, so I tried to find a chance to kindly encourage her to speak out. However, her emotions flared. We spent about two hours to regain rationality. That incident let me see many of my own problems, which came out of miscommunication, suspicion of others, and a fundamental lack of compassion. I could not be compassionate to others if I held others accountable for what I thought were their mistakes or judged others from my own notions. When I found my problems, I was relieved. When I did not have such gaps in my mind, that practitioner also changed her attitude toward me.
Later when I looked deeper, I found that I was not totally putting others first even when I was trying to help them. It was a combination of my show-off mentality, and my intention to protect myself. In the end, I enjoyed harmony and peace of mind, but was still not fully responsible to the Fa.
When I had conflicts with fellow practitioners, I knew I should look inward. However, this righteous mind was oftentimes too weak, and on the other hand, my attachments were too strong. Many times I fell into conflicts, and then tried to find others' attachments.
When I really looked inside, I realized that I lacked the understanding of the form that Dafa disciples' cultivation takes. Teacher told us that during the cultivation process, as soon as a cultivator has successfully cultivated a part, with his realm being elevated and him passing some test, that part is immediately partitioned off in a manner unconstrained by time. The part that hasn't been fully cultivated, meanwhile, constantly undergoes cultivation. So how can I expect my fellow practitioners to behave as enlightened beings? I am just supposed to be strict with myself. Even though I had the understanding, I still did not do things well.
There were a couple of xinxing tests recently, and I did not pass them well. I kept seeing that my fellow practitioners had low-level attachments. I felt very uncomfortable. I realized that I had dropped into a very low realm if I could see the low-level attachments.
Master gave me a hint in a dream. There I and another fellow practitioner were crawling, while many other practitioners were walking in the opposite direction. A practitioner faced me and smiled. I felt shy and said in my mind: "I am doing an important thing." And I continued crawling. Then I suddenly realized that I should stand up and walk to follow the many other practitioners. Then I did so. When I woke up, I thought that there should be something for me to change fundamentally so that I could really fulfill my responsibilities in validating Fa and saving sentient beings. I should walk in the right direction not carry the weight of others who might pull me in the wrong direction.
2. Let go of self, fully put to use supernormal capabilities endowed by Teacher
As Fa-rectification period Dafa disciples, we accepted the responsibilities and mission of saving sentient beings. Our Master has endowed us with profound wisdom and magnificent supernormal capabilities. The reason that I cannot exercise them is that I still have attachments and I am blocked by the old forces.
What were my attachments? I looked back, and found that my biggest attachment was that I care very much how people view me, especially if I cannot do things as well as expected. Thus I would rather do nothing than risk doing something poorly, even if that could be related to sentient beings' life and death. As an everyday person, that might be regarded as being prudent and rational. In Zhuan Falun, Teacher says,
"It is a xinxing issue if you do not help stop a murder or arson when you see it."
When there are an enormous numbers practitioners being persecuted, and many sentient beings being poisoned, I could not consider my reputation too important. Gradually I started to let go of self, and started to voluntarily think of others and get more involved in Fa activities. I would like to share from four aspects my path so far.
1) Media Reporting
When I started with media work, I had much difficulty in writing. To write a report, sometimes I had to give up sleep. With more cultivation practice, I could write better and smoother. I began to think from a reader's perspective, rather than just expressing myself. Now I can recall a dream, when I was still a new disciple, Teacher gave me a pen. I thought perhaps it was a Fa implement. Teacher was encouraging me to use it to save sentient beings. I should do better with it.
2) Working as a Coordinator
I am good at listening to others. That way I do not need to worry too much, with less responsibilities or pressure on me. That way I can also show that I am a very good practitioner. To me, those superficial things could hide my attachments, such as not being willing to sacrifice or not having compassion. To me, if so, how do I improve in my cultivation practice? Thus I accepted the responsibility when asked to work as the chief coordinator.
It is not easy to be a coordinator. From a human perspective, I lacked the necessary skills, but I believed that the Fa could change me and I could do well from the standpoint of the Fa. However, I have too many attachments, some of which I realize and others that are still intangible to me. So, I am still trudging.
There are so many projects and activities to work on. Sometimes I have to look for someone to help me. Sometimes I even had to ask practitioners from other cities to help me. Even though people helped me, there were still things that were not done well. You can imagine how heavy the pressure is. But some practitioners did not understand me, and just made negative comments about me. Sometimes I felt that was unfair.
One day when I read Master's article Fa Teaching at the 2008 New York Conference, it said,
"As you cultivate yourself, you should regard the things that you perceive to be hardship, emotional blows, or things that affect your xinxing and the like, as good things. If you consider all the hardship, ordeals, and such that you go through to be bad things, then you are an ordinary person. Hardship is the repayment of karmic debts, and things that don't go so smoothly enable your xinxing to elevate."
I have read the article many times, but until that time I had not really seen that passage. Furthermore, one day a fellow practitioner smiled at me and said, "I envy you." Oh yeah. Why can I not see things in such a positive way? Why am I afraid that people do not understand me? What do I have to prove? Gradually I felt that sentimentality melt down, and I felt the Buddha Fa is boundless, and the Buddha's benevolence is immense. Thank you Master. I will broaden my heart for sentient beings.
3) Selling ads
I started to work full time in the Marketing Department of our local Epoch Times newspaper in April 2007. At that time, my family's financial situation got better and allowed me to do so. The problems then were my English was not good, and I was not good at talking business with people. I consulted with my fellow practitioners, and I was advised that it's tough and I should get well prepared. I hesitated for a while before a voice came out from the bottom of my heart - I will save the people. At that moment, I felt that my body was vibrating, and the tears came. With that in mind, I have persisted until today.
In the first three days of the first week, I completed three minor sales. And the other two days were for Dafa activities. In the first month, I sold ads totaling several thousand dollars. I knew that was Master encouraging me.
The tough part is to deal with the Chinese market. In the early days, it took a lot of courage to just make phone calls. After a phone call, my hands might be ice-cold, my heart sinking, and my body trembling. I had to walk for a while before I could regroup.
For a period of time, it felt very hard. However, when I saw the ads in other Chinese papers, I felt sad. Those people have a predestined relationship with us but I could not do much for them. I did not know what to do, I just made some random phone calls. On the other end some were very rude when they heard I was working for the Epoch Times. Some would politely turn me down. There were even some people who started to swear at me and even Master. In those situations, my heart beat faster and my voice went faster, and I still tried to clarify the truth to them. However, not all results turned out positive.
After I experienced a couple of such cases, I realized that the problem was my competitive mentality. Instead of thinking of others, I just intended to express what I thought was right. Can that be called truth-clarification? My deeds were part of the truth. Therefore when I spoke to people calmly, I saw that people also changed. Since then I have never met anyone who said directly disrespectful things about Dafa or Master.
During that time, I felt that Master was always taking care of me. When I studied the Fa well, I could sell ads with less effort. I tried to hold onto a practitioner's standard in keeping relations with advertisers. I especially tried to look into details that might cause advertisers to lose trust in our newspaper, so that our business relations would last.
To be frank, this job is the hardest part of my cultivation practice. It directly helps me to expose my attachments. I can be zealous when making a sale, and get depressed when I don't make it. I can lose confidence if my xinxing is not stable, and I can find excuses if I am busy with other Dafa projects. However, I believe that if I can read the Fa well, I can do better and have everything balanced.
I was also grateful for the good environment. In the weekly global sales training sessions, my fellow sales people share their experiences, skills and visions. When I became better, my sales got better. Recently I received calls for ads. I thought, that is the way it's supposed to be. I can talk on the phone with people in a light manner, as if we were talking like friends. Some people don't want to talk about the ads immediately, but I still treat them compassionately. Also, I always want to defend the good image of the newspaper. I think we not only use the paper to save sentient beings, but pave the way for future media as well.
4) Improve technical skills
I am honored if I can contribute all I have to saving sentient beings. I am trying to do it wholeheartedly. Even my learning is also related to the needs for validating Dafa.
Driving is a necessary skill for carrying out many kinds of Dafa activities in North America. To pass the driving test I had to understand English.
There were some episodes. My second day driving, I had a collision. I almost lost courage, but I still tried. I recalled the first time on the highway I had to move over two lanes. I asked Master for strength, and I sent forth righteous thoughts. Last winter I experienced a case when I had to drive about 10 kilometers with mud on my windshield because I had no washing fluid. I was seasoned and became braver.
I also spent time learning English. On a typical day, I would go to morning group study, daytime was for sales, evenings for English class, and nights for phone or conference calls. The time left to learn English was very limited. However, I was assigned to an advanced class, although I did not ask for it. At the beginning I felt shy if I could not answer questions raised. But then I felt a change. I could accept making mistakes, even took it as good, since this way I learned the most. If I didn't know, then I didn't know, regardless of whether people pointed it out or not. The same is true for attachments. I found that by learning Dafa, every aspect of my life has become meaningful and good for cultivation practice. In English class, I let go of self, and was not afraid of being laughed at by others. My English improved, and in return, helped me to do better as a coordinator, especially with western practitioners. I know that I still make mistakes, and I wish my fellow practitioners would point it out. I know that way I can improve my English. With skills in English, I could broaden my vision, and become capable of contributing further. I believe as long as we have the will to saving sentient beings, nothing can happen that is too difficult to overcome.
Thank you Master!
Thank you, my fellow practitioners!