(Clearwisdom.net) I am an older Falun Gong practitioner, age 70. For a very long time, I wanted to write an article and send it to minghui.ca (Chinese version of Clearwisdom.net) to share with older fellow practitioners so that we can improve our cultivation together. I thought of writing about my experience many times, but each time I gave up the idea due to my ordinary human thoughts and because I lacked courage. I thought that my cultivation would not be of interest to others.
Finally I let go of my ordinary human behavior and decided to share the stories about my cultivation practice, including sharing an experience where I stumbled and fell hard. I want to share with older fellow practitioners in the hope that more older practitioners gather up the courage and share their stories.
I obtained the Fa in the summer of 1996. Since China started its persecution against Falun Gong in July 1999, I was illegally imprisoned twice. I was imprisoned for two weeks the first time, shortly after July 20, 1999. Within two days, more than a dozen fellow practitioners were illegally detained. I was imprisoned the second time in August 2000. This time I was imprisoned for 97 days. Because I refused to renounce Falun Gong, the police reported to the Public Security Bureau and attempted to sentence me to three years in a forced labor camp. My older mother was shocked by the sudden bad news. I am her only child and the only one she has left, and I already had been imprisoned twice. The police ransacked our home a few times. Mother became ill because of anxiety and worries. The police agreed to release me so that I could look after my mother, however, my mother became bed-ridden and passed away before the Chinese New Year of 2002.
As a Falun Dafa disciple, I have always done the three things as I should. I also help people to withdraw from the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). In addition, I pass big and small xinxing tests related to my personal cultivation.
In 2003, I kept losing weight. The first thing people asked me when they met me was about my weight loss. I always told them it was a godsend to be thin in old age because people tend to gain weight when they get older. After some time, I became unsure. Why did I experience symptoms resembling those of a diabetes patient? Sometimes I felt as though I had diabetes, but others times I didn’t. My mental state was not stable. In short, I didn’t have righteous thoughts.
Shortly before the next Chinese New Year, one day I suddenly had a fever of nearly 104°F. My family put me in the car and took me to to the hospital. It turned out that my blood sugar was way up and the X-ray showed that I had lobar pneumonia. The hospital wanted to check me into the hospital for treatment. Although I believed in the Fa and decided they were merely demonic illusions, I accepted the old forces’ arrangements and cooperated with my family. I agreed to check into the hospital. At one point I went back home, but was taken back to the hospital. At the time I kept coughing blood for days. Therefore, my family feared for my life. I refused to cooperate with the nurse when it was time to take shots or take medicine. I decided that the hospital is not a place for a Falun Gong cultivator.
During that period of time, I had to find time to do the three things. Meanwhile, I felt it would give Falun Gong a bad name by staying in the hospital, so I insisted on checking out of the hospital. After I returned home, I realized that I had taken a detour. I had a great fall and learned a hard lesson. I thought that I would never give in to the demonic illusions again, but I did.
For about two years after I checked out of the hospital, I failed to follow the Fa (regarding my health). Instead, I followed the diet required of a diabetes patient. My family asked me to avoid sweets and control my diet, and I took their advice, but I became increasingly thinner. Since my weight loss did not prevent me from doing the three things, practicing Falun Gong exercises, or doing my domestic chores, it didn’t bother me.
In June I suddenly felt weak in my knees, and my legs felt sore when I walked or climbed stairs. For a decade since I obtained the Fa, I had great agility and walked so fast that even young people found it difficult to keep up with me. What is wrong with me? There must be a reason. There is no such a thing as coincidence. I immediately started searching within and asked Teacher, "Teacher, what have I done wrong? Once I identify my attachments, what should I do to remedy them?"
I started looking within. Are the old forces taking advantage of a loophole due to my attachments? Am I consuming karma? Is this a test? Is the Chinese Communist Party’s evil specter persecuting me? I know these physical symptoms are demonic illusions, so I didn’t tell anyone about this.
One day when I was studying the Fa, I came across the following two passages of the Fa. Teacher said,
"As true practitioners, we should look at issues from a very high level instead of from the perspective of everyday people. Should you believe that you are ill, this may really cause you to become ill." "As a practitioner, if you always think that it is an illness, you are actually asking for it. If you ask for an illness, it will come inside your body. As a practitioner, your xinxing level should be high. You should not always worry that it is an illness, for this fear of illness is an attachment and it can bring you trouble just the same." ("Lecture Six" from Zhuan Falun)
I suddenly realized this was referring to me. Am I not asking for this condition? I remembered a poem by Teacher. Teacher said,
"Cultivation in the three religions teaches inaction,
Using the mind improperly is with action;" ("Inaction" from Hongyin)
Am I not taking an action by using my mind improperly? I was afraid to give a bad name to Falun Gong, but I ended up doing it after all. I lost too much weight and my legs became wobbly. I realized I had been wrong. I must continue to search within. Teacher said,
"Whenever there is interference of one kind or another in qigong practice, you should look for reasons within yourself and determine what you still have not let go." ("Demonic Interference in Cultivation" in Lecture Six of Zhuan Falun)
I dug deep inside my heart to identify my fundamental attachment. As I dug deeper, I realized that fear is a selfish attachment and an attachment to life and death. I thought, "I have already obtained the Fa. Is there anything I cannot let go of? During the imprisonment, I often thought of letting go of the thought of life and death. Why don’t I follow the standard for Falun Dafa disciples?"
For a very long time, I had been living by an everyday person’s standard. I stayed away from sweets to maintain my blood sugar level. On this particular issue, I have fallen down to the level of an everyday person. That was why my health condition deteriorated despite my diet regimen. Now I am following the Fa and no longer follow a diet for a diabetes patient.
It turns out that my weight is climbing and my knees no longer feel weak. I now walk with the same agility as before. I have truly awakened from the maze. In hindsight, I feel embarrassed and pained. I have taken such a long detour, and I almost ruined myself and let Teacher down.
It is very clear to me that Falun Dafa disciples will prevail over all tribulations as long as we truly cultivate ourselves. There is Teacher and the Fa. As long as we let go of human attachments and the thought of life and death and as long as we follow the Fa, we shall prevail over all challenges.
Dear older fellow practitioners, we must follow Teacher’s every step closely during the Fa-rectification period. We must become increasingly diligent and mature in order to be qualified Dafa disciples during the Fa-rectification period and return to our original homes with Teacher.