(Clearwisdom.net) I was depressed for a long time. I had all kinds of interference with studying the Fa, doing the exercises, clarifying the truth and sending forth righteous thoughts. I continued to look inward to search for my attachments. After reciting the section "Your Main Consciousness Should Predominate" in Zhuan Falun, my situation improved a little bit, but I was still unclear in my mind.
In the past two days, I have let go of some of my own evil nature. In a painful struggle inside my heart, I asked myself again and again, "What am I looking for and what on earth do I still need?" I searched back and forth, and in the end I found what I understand to be an extremely frightening demon hiding deep in my heart. That is, I always bargain with righteous Dafa and negotiate with our gracious Master.
I obviously knew that Falun Dafa is good and that it is not easily obtained in millions of years. However, I didn't want to devote myself completely to Dafa, and I didn't listen to Master's words carefully enough. I didn't decisively follow what Master has asked us to do based on the Fa principles. Instead, I said to Master in my heart, "Since I did all the three things, I won't be eliminated, will I? I'll be considered as a true disciple, won't I? I'll be able to go back to my original home, won't I?" Sometimes, I used various means to disguise these unworthy thoughts. I was tired of dealing with conflicts one after another. Once problems were solved, I carried these thoughts and nervously continued doing the three things. It is hard to avoid trouble. Because I could not step out from the old universe's principle of mutual-generation and mutual-inhibition, my effect of sending forth righteous thoughts was weak.
Finding these long-buried thoughts, I felt a great relief, and it seemed that a wall in front of me had disappeared. My main consciousness and righteous thoughts returned. Now I am cultivating according to "Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance" and practice within the greatest Fa. I am protected and guided by our gracious Master. That is enough. This is the best environment and the best proof of my return to practicing Dafa. Besides these, what else do I need? How happy and glorious it is to cultivate Dafa! How honored we are to be Dafa disciples. How could I ever embarrass Dafa and Master?
When the righteous thoughts came back to my heart, my main consciousness became clear. Now I understand why, in not respecting our Master, we give the old evil forces such an enormous excuse to persecute us. Actually, not respecting Master indicates that our main consciousness is not clear, so we cannot see the meaning of the Fa, let alone understand the Fa principles clearly. Righteous thoughts demonstrate our determined belief in the Fa principles without a second thought. Only when we keep these righteous thoughts at all times and in all places can we overcome the many troubles and difficulties that we face. At the same time, we can wisely and logically transform those difficulties into opportunities to save people.
These are my personal understandings. Please kindly point out any shortcomings.
May 19, 2005