(Clearwisdom.net) Over the last week, since just before Master published the article, "The Closer to the End, the More Diligent You Should Be," I have been shown my attachment to disheartenment and dejection.
When I first looked into it, I could not understand how it is possible to have a lack of heart or a dejected spirit when Master has saved us and given us so much. The problem I discovered though was that due to the attachment that I held onto, I was rendered human, and I could not accept Master's affirmations and praise wholeheartedly.
I also failed to accept my life's true purpose and mission to save sentient beings. My path is not, as I felt before, a mission bestowed by Master, but rather one that I chose myself. Only the Fa-rectification and Dafa could enable such a grand wish to manifest.
Now that I understand these things, I feel so grateful for Master's benevolence and guidance. I wish to share my experience and the path of my understanding with you in hopes that it will encourage you and strengthen your belief in Master.
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Looking Back at My Cultivation
I have felt that there was something wrong with my state of mind for years. Whenever I attempted to explain it to other practitioners I found that I was unsuccessful in conveying my problem. I know that for the first two years, the evil tried relentlessly to destroy my will and determination in the Fa by implanting the question and notion that I, a student of Dafa, was not really good, and that I had come to disrupt the Fa. Can you recognize the evil old force arrangement? The old forces forced endless lust thoughts into my head and I could not go anywhere without it, nor avoid it at home, yet this was not something that I thought I even cared about. I became very upset about these thoughts that I could not prevent, and began to feel severely dejected, yet I never gave up cultivation, nor considered it.
I recall when Jiang Zemin went to Houston, Texas. I arranged to fly there from Canada. When I arrived at the airport, I realized that I did not have my passport or birth certificate, which is required to travel to the United States from Canada. To make matters worse, it was shortly after 9/11 and the border security was very tight. Another practitioner drove me home to get my identification, but after a frantic search, I could not find it.
Time was running out before the flight, so we headed back for the airport. During the 20 minute drive I faced a major battle in my mind. The evil was saying, "If you were really good, if you were really pure, you would not be having this problem right now." I was also thinking, "It is such an important event to send forth righteous thoughts toward the evil head, and I am under threat of being denied this opportunity due to my own shortcomings."
I was acutely aware that if I could not get a clear understanding I would not get to Houston and that if I did, I would. The struggle was intense. I finally shouted in desperation, "I don't care if I did not do well before, I will do well now!" I then became very calm and clarified the truth to the airport authorities and went to Houston with a deeper understanding of righteous thoughts.
Recognizing Gaps in the Firmness of My Faith
Recently, there have been many questions arising in my mind. It is sort of like what Master said in Guiding the Voyage,
"Of course, through this series of events our students have gained a clearer understanding; there was a huge difference when the tribulations had just started. Some were shocked. Some were contemplating, "What kind of person is Li Hongzhi?" Some were thinking, "Is this Fa righteous?" A comprehensive test has targeted all human attachments. No matter what attachments you held when you came to Dafa, those attachments had to be tested. Some people thought that this or that aspect of Dafa was good, but today's test is relentless, as no human attachment can be taken to heaven."
I can see that I have been cultivating all along according to perception and feeling. I have come this far because of my good enlightenment quality and inborn quality. Yet, recently, I was made aware of the need to solidify my belief on the basis of rationale, until it is adamantine in nature.
A couple of weeks ago, Master made it very clear to me through an incident at my house that He is looking after me. It was so clear, with material proof, that there was no way I could doubt the fact. This was the first point that I needed to accept in order to tackle the attachments that have been deeply hidden for so long, yet so detrimental to my cultivation and to my ability to save sentient beings.
Next Master published the article, "The Closer to the End, the More Diligent You Should Be." Master said,
"And yet a small number of students--veteran students, even--have to differing degrees exhibited a despondent state and slackened in their resolve to be diligent. They haven't realized that this is an attachment to the duration of Fa-rectification, or is caused by interference from incorrect, acquired notions, which results in their gaps being exploited by interfering factors that the old forces left behind early on in the surface of the human dimension, wicked specters, or rotten demons--things that have magnified and strengthened those attachments and human notions--all of which has brought about this despondent state."
I read this article very carefully, but still did not identify the despondency in my own nature. Then, not wanting me to miss this chance, Master created the following circumstances over the last few days:
Recognizing My Despondence and Finding its Roots
I went to work, feeling upset about the fact that my university professor is cynical and is always antithetical to expressions of virtue and righteous belief that can be found in the classic works of the humanities that we are studying. I was upset because a third essay was due and I was bound to defend and promote virtue, only to get mediocre marks from this professor who doesn't seem to have the ability to understand the points I am making, points which are based on righteous belief. After a brief conversation with a co-worker about this situation, the word "disheartened" came into my mind. Next, there were a series of conflicts with my co-workers, like a game of dominoes, conflicts I could not avoid. The conflicts were so ridiculous, as my co-workers acted like spiteful teenagers conspiring against me. Then I ask my boss a question about a photo that looks like something upright, only to learn that it has no meaning of the sort to him. The culmination of all this enhanced my disheartened feeling, until I was forced to acknowledge it.
The conclusion and lesson from all of this was that I have a major problem with disheartenment. I realized I was disheartened in many areas of my life. I easily became upset about how terrible the world is, how little kindness exists within it, and how much it hurts me, and so on.
Then, after obtaining the Fa, I found that when I tried to help others, my efforts were often misinterpreted. I often felt lonely and dispirited, and the only comfort I gained was from the Fa and from the knowledge that there have been enlightened beings throughout history, because my life made no sense otherwise.
I knew that I did not want an ordinary life. I knew that I could not give up or turn back, yet, due to my notions I could not accept all the wonderful and magnificent things that Master has bestowed to his disciples which would cleanse my soul, enable me to let go of the suffering and pain, let go of the past, and forge ahead.
Master taught in Teaching the Fa at the Western U.S. International Fa Conference,
"The path Dafa disciples are taking today is unprecedented. A fixed notion has formed in the minds of many people in the world, which is that when someone is devoted to a religious faith or is a cultivator, it won't work out unless he withdraws from society and leaves the secular world. The Dafa disciples' way of cultivation, then, has no predecessor and no model. I have always said that in cultivation Dafa disciples have no role models. And it's not just that in your personal cultivation you have to walk your own path--even the form of cultivation I have imparted to you has no example to follow. So you just have to blaze this path yourselves."
This passage helped me to realize how unique our cultivation path really is and to see it rationally and with clarity. It is necessary to consider the incredible difficulty of our cultivation, especially the difficulty we encounter when living amidst ordinary people. We all experience it, but do we see it from the Fa's perspective? Our righteous belief is so strong beside their lack of belief. Our strength and power is incomprehensible to them, while we must always find the appropriate words and level of kindness to speak to them and leave them with a good impression. Due my attachments, and lack of clear mindedness about our cultivation path, I began to speak about my own shortcomings with some non-cultivators and encountered this recent bout of difficulties, finally realizing how far my understanding was off from the Fa's standard.
I could say that the collection of things that continuously distress me and interfere with my ability to do what I wish to do during the Fa-rectification are all related to the attachment of despondence that has been there constantly undermining my cultivation. Now that I see it, thanks to Master's merciful article, I know I can fully overcome all the shortcomings, because my heart has always wanted to do so.
The worst interference is that this attachment prevented me from accepting Master's praise and affirmations that we Dafa practitioners are magnificent, that our actions are truly wonderful, that the road ahead is bright, that we are divine beings, and others. Thinking from such a low and human perspective as I was, how could I possibly have accepted these words from our Teacher? They seemed incredible to me.
Gaining Clarity and the Will to Forge Ahead
I must now apologize, however, and say that I did not know any better. I have relied on my innate being, my perception, and my heart, yet fundamentally failed to take responsibility for my mission.
Many times before, I leapt out of despondence to become aware of a certain vibration of beings that are everywhere filling the space around me; they are my beings; the beings that I came to save! When I acknowledge them they are so happy that they jump for joy. Before, I could not stay with them for long due to the attachments controlling me. But they are still waiting for me, all the sentient beings are waiting for all Dafa disciples to wake up and realize our divine missions without question.
Once we realize who we are, and how magnificent we are, we will have no trouble doing well and saving them. Indeed I have wasted time over these years and suffered needlessly while undoubtedly failing to meet the expectations of the countless sentient beings depending on me. Now that I have seen this, nothing will stand in the way of our paths to the new cosmos. We (the sentient beings in the realms that belong to me and me) will follow Master's encouragement wholeheartedly from now on,
"I know that after you become clear on this you will quickly catch up, but you should take fewer detours on this most magnificent, divine path; not leave reason for regret in your futures; and not fall so far behind in terms of levels. That is my hope, your hope, and the hope of the beings who are counting on you." ("The Closer to the End, the More Diligent You Should Be")