(Minghui.org) Greetings Master! Greetings fellow practitioners! I would like to share some of my recent cultivation insights.
During the 2001 New Year holiday, I went back to China for a vacation. When I arrived home, I saw my mother and sister cooking in the kitchen, while my brother-in-law and little niece were chatting and laughing with my father. I was surprised because my parents and my sister’s family cut off contact years ago and hadn’t spoken in a long time.
When we were young, my sister struggled with her studies and was often scolded and beaten by our strong-willed mother. This angered our grandmother, who raised my sister and led to conflicts between our parents and grandmother. The atmosphere in our home was tense. My sister married early to escape this toxic environment.
When my father went abroad for a business trip, my mother accompanied him. By then, I was already living overseas. My mother asked my sister to take care of our grandmother, but my sister not only refused but also complained to my father’s workplace, accusing them of not supporting the elderly. This made my parents furious, and they cut ties with her. After our grandmother passed away, the divide deepened, and they had no contact with each other.
So, when I walked into the house and saw my sister’s family happily talking with my parents, I was very surprised. I asked about it and found out that both my mother and sister practiced Falun Dafa. I was curious and wondered what kind of practice could make people who hated each other for decades forgive one another. That same day, I read Zhuan Falun, the main text of Falun Dafa, and realized that our grudges were the result of past life connections, and the pain and hardships in this life were due to past karma. The relationships in a family can have both good and bad ties, and only cultivation can resolve the resentment. The book also answered many other questions I had, and from that moment, I decided to cultivate.
My relationship with my mother has always been strained. Since childhood, I was afraid of her. Every day when she returned from work, my sister and I would listen closely. If we heard her slam the door, it meant she was in a bad mood, and we had to be very careful, or the house would turn into a battlefield.
I was afraid of my mother even after I got married. I was afraid of making her angry because whenever she was unhappy, no one in the family could have peace. To avoid conflict, I always tried to please her and go along with whatever she wanted.
In 2002, my mother was worried about the persecution of Falun Dafa by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP), and she came to live with me in Singapore. She didn’t cultivate well and her domineering nature returned. My compliance with her caused tension between my husband and me. My mother’s deep involvement in our relationship led to increasing conflicts, and eventually, my husband asked for a divorce, ending our 19-year marriage. On the surface, my mother was a big reason for the divorce, which deepened my resentment towards her. However, as a practitioner, I knew I couldn’t send her back to China or not take care of her.
In 2021, she suddenly showed symptoms of a stroke and could no longer walk. She became extremely agitated and wouldn’t sleep, which deprived me of rest. I knew she was being affected by negative elements.
Knowing my struggles, many fellow practitioners took turns coming to my home to study the Fa and send forth righteous thoughts for my mother. Two even stayed with us from morning until night and helped me.
One practitioner noticed that whenever I helped my mother with her bathroom needs, I had a look of disgust on my face. After understanding my emotional burden, she talked to me, saying that my mother’s current situation was a test not just for her but for me. Perhaps there was unresolved karma between us from a past life, which is why we were entangled in this lifetime. Her extreme behavior may be a way to help me let go of my attachments. Once I let go of my resentment, the negative influence would stop tormenting her.
I already realized this, but I couldn’t let go of my resentment. Whenever my mother acted up, I felt an inexplicable annoyance, and I felt distressed.
All my neighbors knew I practiced Falun Dafa, so I felt I had to do well. My mother was very picky about food, so I bought things she liked. I also bought and installed various assistive devices to make her life more comfortable and convenient. I was always thinking about how to make her meals better and her activities easier. Despite this, every time I ran into an elderly neighbor, she would hold my hand and say, “You must treat your mom well! Your mother is old; it’s not easy for her.” This made me feel annoyed—I thought I did very well and couldn’t do better.
One day, a friend asked if I ever held my mother’s hand and chatted with her. My immediate reaction was that it wasn’t possible. The thought of physical contact with her made me feel uneasy. I realized that while I was forcing myself to be good to my mom on the surface, deep down, I still harbored resentment.
Trying to do well but failing caused me to develop symptoms of anxiety. My heart raced as soon as I stepped into the house, and I felt short of breath. Sometimes my heartbeat was so fast it made me feel nauseous. I struggled to concentrate and had trouble sleeping.
I realized I needed to face and accept the fact that I hadn’t cultivated well. I didn’t need to force myself to do something I wasn’t ready for. I just needed to keep making efforts in the right direction and accept my imperfections. At the same time, I had to accept my mother’s current condition without avoiding or resisting it.
Since I couldn’t love her, at least I could stop hating her. I decided not to see her as a fellow practitioner or even as my mother, but as an elderly person who was ill. When she cried, scolded, or threw things, I no longer argued with her about whether her behavior was right or wrong. Instead, I gently changed the subject. For example, one day when she was loudly scolding me, I smiled and said, “Mom, your voice is so strong! You must be in great health.” She paused, then agreed, and said she felt healthy.
Gradually, my anxiety symptoms improved. I could manage not to resent her, but I still couldn’t love her and I continued to avoid physical contact.
One day, my daughter told me that she felt closer to her friends because, during her most difficult times and when she was being bullied at school, it was her friends who helped her, while my support was very limited. This comment hurt me deeply because her father hardly cared for her. I quit my job when she was in the sixth grade to dedicate myself to taking care of her. I believed I gave her all my love, yet she didn’t see my care and presence as helpful.
Although I held back my anger, I felt very sad. However, her next words brought me a sudden realization. She said that parents and children have different perspectives and feelings about the same situation. Children remember what they want to remember, and so do parents.
This made me think of my mother. I always held on to the memories of how she mistreated me, but did she ever show me kindness? Surely she must have, but I forgot those moments. I began to reflect on my resentment towards her. I often chose to avoid her to keep peace, rather than sincerely expressing my feelings or addressing her inappropriate behavior. The current situation was a result of my long-term avoidance and miscommunication.
Looking back, I realized that I treated my child’s father the same way. I just tolerated and pleased him to avoid conflict. I never openly communicated with him, which ultimately led to our divorce.
When I understood this, my resentment towards my ex-husband and mother vanished. I felt deeply grateful for my daughter’s words, painful as they were, because they were a wake-up call, and I believed it was Master’s way of guiding me, through her.
When my resentment was gone, I felt a newfound kindness towards my mother. I was able to hold her hand, even hug her, and listen patiently to her endless chatter. My smiles for her were no longer forced but genuine. She also changed—her temper flared up less frequently. I realized that her behavior was helping me cultivate, and regardless of our past lifetimes, in this lifetime, she not only helped me find the Fa but also helped me remove my resentment, allowing me to improve my character. I sincerely thanked her.
As I let go of resentment, I felt joyful every day, light as a feather. Previously, I was surrounded by negative emotions. I often sighed and complained to friends who were reluctant to talk to me. They noticed my positive change and admired my tolerance and open-mindedness.
I came to understand that resentment is a negative force. When my body was filled with resentment, it created a negative field that attracted bad things and misfortune. Positive energy, on the other hand, attracts positive outcomes, bringing blessings and good fortune.
I suddenly felt unwell recently and almost didn’t make it. What happened made me look within.
I was in charge of an exhibition project, covering everything from booth design and setup to advertising, packaging, shipping, cost, and pricing. It’s mostly been me and another colleague who worked on this. The day before the exhibition, I became seriously ill. I planned to push through until the event, but a phone call finally made me collapse.
A colleague told me she couldn’t send the exhibition tables because she had to do some simple packaging. Hearing this, I was furious. What? We had already decided on the packaging during the meeting, so why change it the day before the exhibition? I was angry and scolded her harshly on the phone. I felt that after all the hard work and effort I put in, without much help from others, now they were causing more trouble at the last minute.
In my rage, another colleague called to say that the video I worked on needed major revisions. That made me even angrier. Why didn’t they mention this earlier? Why wait until the last day?
That night, I had a high fever that wouldn’t go down. I barely made it through. The next night, negative thoughts uncontrollably rushed into my mind, and I felt my body sinking. I felt like if things continued, it would be the end. I quickly asked Master for help, and gradually, I managed to free myself from those thoughts.
On the third night, I started having diarrhea, which lasted all night. I knew this was cleansing my body. On the fourth day, I started coughing, and that cough lasted for more than three months.
During those days, I couldn’t sleep and almost burned myself out with anger. I looked inward and asked myself why I was so angry. It was because I felt that my efforts weren’t respected or acknowledged. I realized that although I appeared selfless on the surface, I was expecting something in return.
Although I discovered my selfishness, the cough still didn’t stop, and it lasted for more than three months. One day, a colleague told me that my cough wasn’t related to my lungs, but rather my liver.
I knew anger harms the liver. So the root cause must be my anger. I realized that I tend to get angry easily, even over small things although I just keep it to myself. I pretend to be magnanimous. I got angry when others didn’t follow my way of thinking.
I often judged others based on my standards. I looked down on those who didn’t measure up to me and felt disdain for those who were better than me. At the same time, I tried to prove that I was better than others. When I didn’t get recognized, I got upset, although I pretended not to care. Looking down on others is also a form of jealousy. I finally realized that my jealousy caused all of this.
When I first obtained the Fa, I simply thought it was good, but I didn’t understand what it meant to cultivate. It wasn’t until 2002, when I was pregnant, that I faced many tribulations and witnessed many miracles. That’s when I truly understood what cultivation was. Without Master’s protection at that time, I’m not sure if my daughter and I would have made it this far.
In 2003, my sister, a fellow practitioner, was arrested by the CCP while distributing truth-clarifying materials. She was sentenced to two years of forced labor. I contacted the rescue team and began efforts to help her. This was when I truly understood what righteous cultivation is.
Along the way, I stumbled many times and faced numerous tribulations. I encountered serious health issues, but with Master’s protection, I made it through. After cultivating, I clearly understand that all the tribulations and illnesses in this lifetime are the result of karma accumulated from past lifetimes. We are constantly creating karma, and only through cultivation can one truly be freed, no longer trapped in the cycle of life and death or lost in suffering.
Looking at the chaos in the world today, without cultivation, it is easy to drift along, either harming others or being harmed, with no way out. Through cultivation, I now clearly see the root of these issues and know where I’m headed. I’m deeply grateful to Master for his compassionate guidance.
These are my understandings at my current cultivation level. If there is anything incorrect, I humbly ask fellow practitioners to point it out. Thank you, Master! Thank you, fellow practitioners!
(Presented at the 2024 Singapore Fa Conference)