(Minghui.org) I used to be timid and overly cautious. After taking up cultivation practice in 1998, my attachment of fear was not removed thoroughly. It was hidden and I didn't truly look inward.
Sometimes I would try to get by under false pretenses, which made my tribulations bigger and bigger. Here I would like to share how cultivation changed me from being timid to having a strong righteous mind.
In October 2018, I was arrested with other practitioners for distributing truth-clarifying materials. We were taken to a detention center.
As soon as I entered the gate of the detention center I was shrouded in fear. I saw two inmates standing on either side of the cell door with dark looks, each one holding a thick wooden club. They looked blank, just like ghosts in hell. The lights in the corridor were dim, and it was creepy.
Once in the cell, I was immediately surrounded. They peppered me with questions and said a lot of “No's” and a lot of “Must’s.”
My heart was up and down, and I didn't remember anything they said. Early the next morning, an inmate ordered me to clean the toilet with my bare hands. She saw I was reluctant and said newcomers had to do that. I felt humiliated, and my face was as hot as if I had been slapped. I thought others were staring at and laughing at me. In fact, this hit on my human attachments that had not been removed.
At that time I didn't have enough confidence in myself and didn't regard myself as a cultivator. I also didn't think this was persecution by the old forces in other dimensions, but one person persecuting another in this dimension.
I was afraid of being beaten and had negative thoughts. I didn't treat the matter with the mind of a cultivator and didn't think of resisting the persecution.
I could only endure the insult with a human mind and cowardly obey the evil's arrangement. A few days later, I suddenly remembered what Master said about Han Xin:
"Han Xin was an everyday person after all. As practitioners, we should be much better than he. Our goal is to rise above and beyond the level of ordinary people and to strive toward high levels.” (Lecture Nine in Zhuan Falun)
I knew Master had given me a hint. I smiled, strengthened my back, and thought: “Han Xin, an ordinary person, could calmly face that humiliation; am I not as good as he?”
Thus, I overcame my feelings of resentment that I had been done an injustice. The evil in other dimension saw me realize the principles of the Fa and came to make trouble again.
This time the tests were more intense. Sitting in the yard every day, four or five inmates took turns insulting me, and no matter who did something wrong, they blamed me and took every opportunity to attack me.
After three weeks of this, I lost my appetite, and even if I swallowed a few mouthfuls, they were mixed with bitter tears. I was drowsy all day and felt my heart was broken when I was awake. I had headaches, hearing loss in my left ear, and no trace of righteous thoughts. At that time I couldn't think of believing in Master and Dafa.
Due to my fear and being unable to bear hardships, I couldn't stand the tribulation anymore and compromised by writing a letter stating I would give up practicing Falun Dafa.
When I was on the wrong path, exhausted, lonely, and helpless, fellow practitioners strengthened my righteous thoughts. Gradually, I emerged from the quagmire and returned to the right path.
An elderly practitioner repeatedly encouraged me during the cell break time, “Don't let go of Master's hand; Master is waiting for you!”
There was also a kind and determined young practitioner who held my hand every day. She constantly helped me strengthen my righteous thoughts, recited the Fa to me with tears in her eyes, and used the principles of Dafa to inspire my righteous thoughts.
One day, I recited Master's Fa: “The eons of hardship were all for this day” (“All For This Day” in Hong Yin III)
That long-lost vow suddenly penetrated the depths of my soul. Yes, this was my original intention—to relinquish the halo of a god and come to this world! How could I bow to evil here? How could I promise the evil anything?!
Master's Fa woke me up. I had tears of gratitude in my eyes and infinite gratitude in my heart. Thank you, Master, for your compassion and salvation! Thank you, fellow practitioners, for your well-meaning efforts!
I screamed in my heart, “Master, I am wrong! I will correct myself immediately and go home with you!”
After exchanging thoughts with other practitioners, I saw through the sinister intentions of the evil and rotten ghosts: their purpose is to destroy me. I will never cooperate with them.
During the trial, I let go of my fear, denied my “repentance statement,” and confidently said I would continue to practice Falun Dafa. At that moment, I felt that I had been relieved of a heavy burden and the boulder that had been pressing on my heart was gone. I suddenly felt relaxed and happy, like a child who had made a big mistake and was now forgiven.
I was very happy to be with Master again!
The day I was transferred to the prison, I was put in a cell and ordered to sit on a small stool. Before I was arrested, my lower back hurt so badly I couldn't even hold a basin of water.
Within just a few minutes, I couldn't do it anymore, and the inmates insulted me and mocked me with filthy words. I followed Master's teaching and maintained my xinxing. I did not get angry and did not hate them. Instead, I calmly clarified the truth to them. But they ignored me.
I sent forth righteous thoughts to clean up the evil beings that manipulated them and kept reciting Master's Fa: “When it’s difficult to endure, you can endure it. When it’s impossible to do, you can do it.” (Lecture Nine in Zhuan Falun)
In addition to memorizing the Fa, I kept asking Master to protect me. I clenched my fists, gritted my teeth, and sat until ten o'clock at night. I was so tired, thirsty, and hungry that my hands were trembling.
At three or four in the morning, I was called up to continue sitting. Even if I was tired, I had to keep sitting.
The prison wanted to use fatigue tactics to defeat me and force me to compromise and be “transformed.” When it was almost noon, my buttocks hurt as if they had been scraped by a knife, and my lower back hurt so much that I was about to collapse.
I couldn't recite the Fa anymore. My thought karma came out and started to interfere, filling my head with all kinds of bad thoughts. I felt the tribulation was too big for me to get over. Thus, I compromised and again submitted a “transformation” statement.
I thought I was finished! I had compromised myself again, and there was no hope anymore! How could I continue cultivation? I couldn't withstand the tribulation when things got bad.
That night, I had a terrible dream. I was in the wilderness, exhausted, and didn't know what was chasing me, determined to take my life. Finally, I couldn't run anymore and fell down. Although I was tired and hungry, I didn't dare stay there and got up with difficulty. But just when I was about to run, I suddenly looked up and saw that dark clouds were rolling in the sky, and there was an icy wind and rain.
I ran and ran. But the more I ran, the more frightened I became, because there was nowhere to go. I felt my hair stand on end and I yelled, “Master, help me!” as I staggered on.
In my panic, I tripped and fell. I lay on the ground, crying desperately, knowing in my consciousness that I was in a dire situation because I had done something terribly wrong. I felt that I had made a big mistake and would have to suffer there forever. I was profoundly sad, and the feeling of regret was beyond words.
I knelt on the ground and cried, kowtowing to Master. I sincerely confessed my mistake and begged Master to forgive me. I looked up at the sky, clasped my hands together, and begged Master to appear, but I didn't see him.
I went around in circles, looking for Master, but couldn't find him! I was desperate!
Tears ran down my cheeks. After waking up, there were tears on my face, and the pillow was wet.
All day that day, I had a heavy heart, thinking about my dream, so real and so scary! I muttered, “Does Master really want a disappointing disciple like me?”
Then I realized, “No, Master is compassionate and cherishes every disciple.”
After thinking about it, I suddenly figured it out: I had to act immediately to deny my “transformation” statement and return to cultivation so that the evil would not dare to interfere with me and Master would protect me.
However, as soon as I thought of denying the “transformation” statement, negative thoughts and fears flooded my mind, as I was afraid of being put in a cell alone or tortured.
I struggled with myself, going back and forth, and my real self confronted the false self. I thought there must be a battle between good and evil in another dimension, and I forced myself not to shrink back and that I must attack the evil bravely.
I tried my best to recite all the Fa I could remember, get rid of distracting thoughts, and prepared myself for three days.
It was a Sunday when I handed my “Solemn Statement” to the team leader. She took it with a smile. After she read it, her expression changed and she rushed at me. When other prisoners saw that the team leader was angry, they gathered around me.
They held me down and put me in a squatting posture. It was more uncomfortable than being beaten, and they berated me and beat me. After a long time, they saw I really couldn't hold on, and they let me go to the restroom. When I got to the restroom, I passed out.
The guards took me to the prison hospital, where the doctor found I had high blood pressure.
After that, I was forced to take pills and didn't dare to resist at first. After taking them a few times, I realized that I couldn't cooperate with them, so I refused to take them anymore. The team leader couldn’t do anything about it and took me to the office. I was a little nervous, not knowing what kind of people I would run into.
An officer encouraged me to take the pills. Seeing I was reluctant to do so, he stopped pursuing the matter.
I told him that Dafa cultivators are good people and that I did not break the law by practicing Falun Dafa. I also told him I had not committed a crime, and I refused to be “transformed.”
He saw that I was very determined and didn't push me anymore. There were several more confrontations between the prison officials and me, and I got over the tribulation without any danger, protected by Master.
Thank you, Master, for your compassionate salvation! I finished this article in tears.
I would like to thank the fellow practitioners for their selfless help. I will catch up on the remaining road of cultivation and cultivate diligently without slacking.