(Minghui.org) I’m a 32-year-old mother from Beijing, and even though I have cultivated for five years, I feel I’m still a new practitioner and dare not call myself a Dafa disciple. I feel I’m still very far from the standards of a Dafa disciple.
I was born in the 1980s, so my education was grounded in atheism. I believed in karmic returns, but my belief was built on the theory of “cause and effect” in modern science, and I did not really believe in the existence of gods.
After I started practicing Dafa, I could identify with Dafa’s principles on proper conduct, because we all recognize good people.
I could identify Dafa’s principle of “no loss, no gain,” because I agreed with the “give and take” principle in the human world. In essence, I was learning Dafa based on my human notions, rather than recognizing Dafa from my heart.
Prior to obtaining the Fa, I was going through a period of confusion. I could sense that my life was controlled by an invisible and powerful hand, and I understood that humans were powerless to change their fate.
At this time I began to practice, and I learned that only through cultivation practice can one’s course of life be altered.
Master said,
“There is another way to change one’s life, and this is the only way: It is that this person takes the path of cultivation practice from now on.” (Lecture Two, Zhuan Falun)
These words gave me hope. Now I see it was because they spoke to the discontentment I felt with life and my desire to change things.
In other words, if I had married into a super-rich family and become rich and famous, I would not have had the need to practice Dafa. I started practicing Dafa because I did not like my lot in life and could not change it.
I did not truly believe in the existence of gods, nor the fact that I could become one through cultivation. That meant I did not truly treasure Dafa.
I felt indistinctly that I was using Dafa and that a fundamental attachment of mine was hidden deep within and very stubborn.
Our home had been remodeled and we needed a new bed. I didn’t like what my husband bought; there were so many choices, yet he decided so quickly.
Mightn’t he have missed better ones? And I also thought that it was very risky that he picked it from a catalog without seeing it in person.
I complained a lot and wanted him to cancel the order, given that the factory had not started filling the order yet. My husband could not stand my complaining and said he would cancel the order, even though he did not want to.
When the dust settled, I started studying Zhuan Falun. As I was reading, my indignation faded away and I began to feel my heart expand.
I told my husband, “Let’s not cancel the order. Just keep it since you like it.” It was quite a shock for him to hear his picky wife say something like that.
In fact, it was quite a dilemma for him to cancel the order because the salesperson had begged him not to. He was delighted that he didn’t have to cancel it after all.
If I didn’t practice Dafa, I would not have changed my behavior, which happened so smoothly and peacefully. This incident showed me that I had not yet become a cultivator at heart.
Master said,
“It has been said: “When I come to this ordinary human society, it’s just like checking into a hotel for a few days. Then I leave in a hurry.” Some people are just obsessed with this place and have forgotten their own homes.” (Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun)
Wasn’t my attachment to my remodeled new home and new bed a pursuit of a good life in the human world? Being so obsessed with a human home, how could one cultivate?
Wasn’t that the opposite of returning to one’s true self? There was another incident that also helped me realize how much Master had been caring for me and just how great Dafa is.
I had been discontent with my husband’s job as a police officer. I looked down on the civil service from the depths of my heart and believed that no capable person would take such a job.
Their salaries were low, and the only way for them to make any money was to climb the career ladder and accept bribes.
I had always wanted my husband to change jobs. I was delighted when he talked about doing so and became anxious when he showed no sign of looking.
My attachment to his career grew stronger and stronger over time and gradually turned into something that made me look down on him and pity myself for marrying the wrong person.
I hated the fact that he had no power or money. My attachments to reputation and self-interest were fully exposed.
I was surprised by my own materialism and realized I had jealousy in me, but I couldn’t help it. One day, I proposed that we buy a house in the country, because we did not own any property and our parents had to come live with us in the winter.
In addition, house prices had risen so fast, and buying a house would give us the best return. My husband objected to the idea because he wanted to do some business with part of the money and invest the rest.
He said there was no need for us to buy a house in the country because we rarely went there. He also noted that we would have to carry a big mortgage and become mortgage slaves.
That irritated me and I almost blew up at him. Thankfully, I had some righteous thoughts left in me, so I started studying the Fa.
I read the following:
“A practitioner whose cultivation has reached a particular level can only see manifestations at that level. He is unable to see the truth beyond that level, and neither will he believe it. Therefore, he only regards what he sees at his level as correct. Before his cultivation reaches a higher level, he thinks that those things do not exist and are not believable; this is determined by his level, and his mind is unable to elevate.” (Lecture Two, Zhuan Falun)
Master’s Fa revealed something to me, and I began thinking about the matter from a different angle.
Why was I so certain that I was right? Why was I so sure that house prices would not fall?
Wasn’t the fact that he didn't want to be a mortgage slave the same as him not wanting me to be a mortgage slave? Wasn’t he trying to keep from making life difficult for us both?
He wanted to do some business, and so wasn't he trying to make more money and give me a good life? Why did I view other people and things from such a narrow point of view?
Wasn't my dislike of his job a prejudice?
I was so deeply attached. I knew all of these were notions that had to be removed.
I felt that I had not only failed to remove them but I was holding on to them tightly and wouldn’t them let go.
Master said, “… matter and mind are one thing.” (Teaching the Fa at the Fa Conference in Australia)
Because of these lingering substances, I would think negatively about him and lament my fate for marrying the wrong person as soon as the subject was broached. What was behind this was, in essence, the pursuit of a lifestyle that everyday people would envy.
I had not yet become a true cultivator. I started loathing the self-righteous notions that I used to hold.
Master said,
“Through cultivation his moral character will elevate, and once he has learned to discern what is truly good from evil, and virtue from vice, and he goes beyond the human plane, he will see and gain access to the realities of the universe as well as the lives of other planes and dimensions.” (On Dafa, Zhuan Falun)
I came to realize that, if I hadn’t practiced Dafa, I wouldn't have known right from wrong. I would probably have been the person who crawled in the mud without knowing that it was filthy.
My entire life would probably have been bound by reputation, self-interest, and emotion. Perhaps I would even have committed wrongdoings and become involved in some kind of extramarital affair that is so common in today’s society.
All of these things were possible. Perhaps only when I reached hell would I have begun to realize what I had done wrong in my life!
I've been fearful since I was a child. I was very sensitive to others’ opinions and had a strong attachment to vanity.
As a result, I would not get involved in anything that might damage my image. Of course, I didn’t realize these things until I began practicing Dafa.
I also discovered the attachment behind my fear was the pursuit of reputation. I had a tendency to hold on to a little bit of fame, and therefore my fear would end up getting worse, and my pursuit would become stronger and stronger.
One way it has manifested itself is that I have not dared let people know I am a Falun Dafa practitioner, as I am afraid of being overwhelmed by their looks of surprise. I’m exposing my fear here, because even today I still haven't been able to practice cultivation openly and nobly.
But, I’m breaking through little by little, and every step is difficult. Sometimes I do well, and sometimes I do very poorly, but I will never give up.
Recently, our section chief was due to leave for a new job. The news came very suddenly, and I realized I would not have a chance to clarify the facts to him if I didn’t do it immediately.
Because I practice Dafa, I have been a good employee. I worked hard without pursuing reputation and personal gain.
I worked diligently to be worthy of Master’s teachings, and therefore my performance was good. I believed the section chief was happy with me, but I had not told him it was because I practiced Falun Dafa.
I decided I should not wait any longer. I walked into his office and said, “I heard you’re leaving. I have a farewell gift for you,” and handed him two truth-clarification pamphlets.
He was very touched and said, “Thank you.” I said, “Thank you for taking care of me all this time.”
It went very simply like that, but it was a big breakthrough for the timid me. My responsibilities told me I could not stay silent anymore.
I do not know if he would eventually understand the truth, or if he would have the patience to finish reading the pamphlets, but at least he would know a young woman was practicing Falun Dafa.
I've experienced a lot confusion in cultivation practice—I did not like doing the exercises, and I used to attribute it to laziness.
But Master said,
“Why is one unable to attain tranquility? Some people cannot understand it and believe that there must be some secret tricks. They will find well-known masters: “Please teach me some advanced tricks so that I can have a mind of tranquility.” In my view, that is looking for external help. If you want to improve yourself, you should search your inner self and work hard on your heart—only then can you truly ascend and achieve tranquility in sitting meditation. The ability to achieve tranquility is gong, and the depth of ding indicates one’s level.” (Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun)
I believed it was more than just laziness that made me not want to do the exercises, and I felt that I should figure out the deeper reason.
Through constant Fa study, I realized I did not believe in gong because I was still affected by my atheist education and subconsciously thought supernatural powers were myths.
Another big problem was I had mixed up Buddha School Qigong and Buddhism. I thought Buddhism worked fine without any exercises, but I failed to truly understand Falun Dafa’s profound system of cultivation of mind and body.
Master said,
“The higher your level, the more you’re responsible for. The higher your level, the more gigantic the cosmic body and the more the sentient beings you represent, and you will be responsible for that domain. In other words, as you go on cultivating, your human body keeps improving and becomes better and better, and at the same time it transforms into the body of a God.” (Touring North America to Teach the Fa)
I came to realize that what caused me to be reluctant to do the exercises was that I didn’t cherish my life and I didn't feel responsible for all beings. The fact that I practiced only when I wanted to was because I did not truly regard myself as a practitioner.
I studied the Fa like studying some theories. This was also an aspect of me not fundamentally transforming into a cultivator.
I have made some progress in doing the exercises recently, and I have also discovered that doing the exercises early in the morning does not require an alarm clock. A practitioner wakes up automatically when it’s time, and the more one sleeps the more uncomfortable one feels—it is the opposite of everyday people.
A Minghui editorial recently requested that everyone remove WeChat from our electronic devices. After I did that, things became much quieter when I practiced.
In addition, my friends did not show the disapproval I thought they would, and some of them even praised me for being able to do it.
I want to thank the practitioners at Minghui. Your Minghui Weekly is so good and it has helped me tremendously.
Minghui is a Dafa disciples’ home. Minghui Weekly is very up-to-date and its content is very inspirational; I have printed out almost every issue.
What a great blessing it would be for the world’s people if they could read every issue of Minghui Weekly! To make it happen, I need to raise my xinxing quickly, overcome my fear, let go of myself, and let people around me accept Minghui Weekly better so as to remove their prejudice.
I’d like to say to our esteemed Master, “Master, I have not done well, but I really want to be a genuine disciple of yours. Thank you, Master, for not giving up on me and looking after me all along. In this world of moral decline, temptations are really strong for young people, yet Master has required us to go against the tide. Only by cherishing life, cherishing time, and cherishing the opportunity can I not let Master down.”
Once again, thank you, Master!