(Minghui.org) I have been clarifying the truth about Falun Dafa to people since I began practicing cultivation. However, I did not remove my attachment of fear.
My attachment of fear would become strong or weak depending on my notion that had been instilled in me by the indoctrination of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP).
I had been worried and anxious for a long time. I forgot that as a practitioner, my behavior and thoughts should be measured by the Fa.
When I discovered that there was a police officer in my building I made inquiries and was told that he wanted to catch people taking drugs. This rang a bell in my mind, as no one seemed to be on drugs in my community.
I then wondered if whom I saw was a real policeman, or a thief. If he was a real policeman, then maybe he was there to monitor me. I was scared no matter what. Anyway, I knew that I should not be so fearful because I have Master to look after me. I knew that I should deny all the old force arrangements.
However, I didn't upgrade my xinxing from the perspective of the Fa, but I calmed down gradually with the passage of time.
Then, a few months later, around midnight, I saw that person who claimed to be a policeman in my building. I tried to eliminate the negative feelings with righteous thoughts.
In the beginning I was scared. I felt that every cell of my body was trembling. I tried my best to eliminate the thoughts that made me afraid, but I could not help think about why the policeman came to my building and what I should do about it.
I asked myself why I was scared. I asked myself if it was illegal to practice cultivation. The answer was “No.” I asked myself if I did other things that were against the law. The answer was “No.” Then I asked myself again and again why I was scared.
However, I never looked inward and asked why I had the attachment of fear. I did a lot of things to validate the Fa, and some things that I did seemed to be significant. However, I still had fear.
I realized that my starting point was doing things to validate the Fa, but I didn't firmly believe in the Fa. I was so scared that I could not calm down to study the Fa or send forth righteous thoughts. The only thing that I was able to do was to ask Master to protect me and I kept telling myself, “A Falun Dafa practitioner should not have fear.”
I calmed down gradually, and I knew Master gave me righteous thoughts. I realized that it was my choice to cultivate in Dafa, and it was my choice to validate the Fa.
I should have no fear since these were my own choices, and I should behave as a practitioner. In my heart, I denied all the arrangements by the old forces.
I calmed down and slept after sending forth righteous thoughts. I never saw any police in my building again. This was the turning point to eliminate my attachment of fear.
I was not negating the arrangements of the old forces, instead I was looking for my loopholes. I think that no matter how many loopholes we have, the old forces should not arrange any test as they are to be eliminated during the Fa-rectification.
My attachment of fear became strong during that period. As a practitioner, I felt like I fell into the abyss. I often dreamed that I was struggling in the freezing ocean and could not climb onto the boat. The feeling of guilt made me afraid of the old forces and I felt hopeless for some time.
I was unwilling to do the things that did not meet the standards of a practitioner, and I tried to deny the arrangements, but could not bring myself to do so.
My mind was filled with remorse. I thought that I should not be destroyed by the old forces and that I was here to assist Master to rectify the Fa. I asked for help from Master, and after that, things changed.
The major issue in my cultivation practice was my attachment to lust. My attachment of fear would grow with my attachment to lust.
The more serious issue was that I thought I was better than ordinary people when my attachment to lust was at its greatest height. It was because I was using the distorted human notion instead of the Fa. Especially in the year 2016 my emotions controlled my behavior and lust was at great heights.
I was upset with myself, and I asked myself if I really had such a strong desire for lust? Is my moral standard so low? My answer was “no.”
Then I realized that all the attachments were a “gift” from the old forces. I sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the evil that persecuted me. I found my attachment to lust disappear.
The reason why I could not get rid of my attachment to lust was because I did not see clearly the arrangements by the old forces behind the attachment.
I realized that cultivation practice was from the microcosm to the human surface, so there would exist a certain level of lust before our cultivation results in consummation. As a practitioner, we can find our attachments and get rid of them through cultivation practice.
The old forces test practitioners with the methods from the old universe. They strengthen our attachments and arrange many tribulations that Master does not acknowledge. It will be very hard for practitioners to eliminate the attachments if we only look inward from the perspective of personal cultivation.
Therefore, we can only deny the arrangements by the old forces fundamentally from the perspective of the Fa-rectification. They will persecute practitioners if they do not do well. Actually, only Master can test practitioners.
I sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate all arrangements that the old forces imposed on me, and I said to Master in my mind that I did not want to play a negative role. I said that I want to play a positive role and truly validate the Fa.
I feel that my real cultivation practice has just begun, and I have greatly improved my xinxing. My external environment has become better, and my attachment has weakened.