(Minghui.org) I was harassed by officers from the State Security Division when I went back to China several years ago. Many of my attachments, especially my attachment to qing, were exposed.
I cried almost every day after I got back home. I asked myself what I should do from then on: Should I give up cultivation or continue cultivation? After three months of struggling, I decided to stay with it.
I was in a very bad mood when I came back from China. Because I worried about my siblings and relatives in China, I wrote a statement (for the State Security officer) that I would not attend any of the Falun Dafa activities outside of China. I also disclosed the names some of my fellow practitioners. I felt very guilty and my heart ached every day.
It was a big stain on my path of cultivation and life. I cried even in my dreams. I felt like an empty shell.
No matter how hard it was, I continued studying the Fa. Gradually, I regained some righteous thoughts, and I kept reciting Master's Fa:
“Fear can cause one to make mistakes, and fear can cause one to lose a predestined opportunity. Fear is a death trap on a human being’s journey toward divinity.” (“Pass the Deadly Test” from The Essentials of Diligent Progress VOL. III)
Because of my fear, I’d already made mistakes. I should not lose any more predestined opportunities because of it. I knew I must pass this deadly test.
I wanted to attend a group Fa study two months later, but my husband stopped me.
“You can study the Fa at home,” he said. “If you go, don’t come back.”
I was frightened and did not go.
As I studied the Fa more, my righteous thoughts were reinforced. I also felt fearful about not knowing much English. Then I thought: Many practitioners, even non-practitioners, don't know English, but they still manage to do just fine. I at least know a little English. Would I be less capable than they?
I decided to attend the group study. When my husband again said, “Don’t come back if you do,” I told him I knew what to do. When I returned, he did not say a word, and I knew I had passed the test.
The first thing I did after I came back from China was apologize to the practitioners I’d divulged information about. I needed courage to admit the mistakes I’d made, but I knew I should not cover them up further.
The practitioners did not complain about me; instead, they comforted me. I was moved by their compassion. Another practitioner outside our city often called me and encouraged me to cheer up. She motivated me.
Three months later, I published my statement to declare that anything I wrote in China was null and void and that I only followed the path Master arranged for me.
But it didn’t stay that easy.
When I had just come back from China, I was always thinking about making up for my mistakes. One day a practitioner called me and asked me if I'd like to join the media she worked for. I said I would, without any hesitation. Several days later, however, the coordinator of this media project politely refused to let me join. My heart sank.
My request to be included in the group email was also declined. Practitioners kept a distance from me. I felt much pressure. How could I pass these tests? How could I still follow the Fa’s requirements? I calmed down and thought about it.
Master said:
“So from the student's perspective, when other students don't trust you, don't stubbornly go against them. It's not a bad idea to avoid the issue a little bit, as that way both sides have less psychological pressure on them.
“If people don't let you do those things, you can just go out on the street to pass out flyers, which saves sentient beings just the same. Or you can go to the consulate or embassy to send righteous thoughts or do other things. You can do any of that, so why do you have to be attached to some one thing? The more attached you get, the worse the impression you'll give other students, right?” (“Teaching the Fa at the Meeting with Asia-Pacific Students” from Teaching the Fa at the Conference VI)
I told myself that I should not complain about practitioners and that I should try to understand them. They were trying to be responsible to the Fa and to the projects they were involved in. They did not have any personal issues with me. Even if they did, I should ignore them. I would regain their trust with my own actions.
Soon after, I was asked to join the telephone platform to clarify the truth to people in China. I found my place there. Because I followed the requirements of the Fa, they quickly accepted me.
Having overcome various tests, I realized that, no matter how enormous the test or hardship, as long as I followed the Fa's requirements and looked within, I would surely pass them.
Master said:
“Whatever you experience during your cultivation—whether good or bad—is good, for it comes about only because you are cultivating.” (“To the Chicago Fa Conference” from The Essentials of Diligent Progress VOL. III)
Fear is a deadly test for practitioners, and I was filled with it when I returned from China. When I thought about how to get rid of this fear, I decided to go to the Chinese Embassy and Chinatown once a week to clarify the truth to people.
I was so nervous when I stood on the walkway opposite the Chinese Embassy. I either closed my eyes, or my eyes were searching for the cameras installed on their walls. When I saw Chinese people, I became more nervous. I suspected that they were from the embassy. I worried every second.
I shared with a practitioner about my fear. She asked me not to be afraid, and she said she would accompany me when I went to the embassy again. My fear gradually lessened, and I went by myself.
One day a Chinese man took photos of our truth-clarification stands. He said he knew more truth about Falun Gong than I did. I told him not to get involved in persecuting practitioners. He left without a word.
One day I arrived in Chinatown early. I started to give out a special edition of the Nine Commentaries on Communist Party. I saw about eight people in dark suits come out of a restaurant. I knew some of them were close to the embassy. I told myself not to panic and to stay calm.
One of the men with a camera hanging from his neck came over to me, and I handed him a copy. I then handed a copy to another man and said, “I know you are secret agents, but I still want you to know the truth.” He took it and left in a hurry.
They took photos when they were five or six meters away from me. My heart began to beat faster. I felt helpless and lonely. How I wished other practitioners were with me to reinforce my righteous thoughts.
Another practitioner finally came. I told her what had happened. She comforted me and said I could stay home temporarily. I said to her, “No, I will not stay home. I must let go of my fear when it appears. If I stay home, it means I am covering up my fear.” So I continued going to Chinatown to clarify the truth.
Although I knew the importance of filing a lawsuit against Jiang Zemin, I initially hesitated to do it. I shared with other practitioners, and some of them filed a lawsuit without any hesitation. I knew that I lagged behind. I recited Master's Fa to reinforce my righteous thoughts.
Master said:
“I am rooted in the universe. If anyone can harm you, he or she would be able to harm me. Put simply, that person would be able to harm this universe.” (Zhuan Falun)
Filing lawsuits against Jiang was approved by Master; thus, the old forces don't dare to persecute practitioners in this regard. I asked myself: “For what purpose and with what mentality should I file the suit against Jiang?” I realized that suing Jiang was caused by a cosmic change, which practitioners should cooperate with. The wave of suing Jiang could also wake up ordinary people.
I soon finished writing my lawsuit. It was required that I send a copy of my Chinese passport along with the lawsuit. My fear arose again. All my personal information was there. I told myself not to fear. When I was writing out the envelope, I had to put my address on it. My fear appeared again. I told myself to eliminate it because it was not my true self that was afraid.
I had to wait a week before I received a confirmation of receipt. During that time, however, my fear kept coming up. Sometimes I even wished the lawsuit would not reach its destination. I tried immediately to negate this unworthy thought. I then held the thought that the proper department would receive it and that whoever read it would learn about the persecution. Finally, the confirmation came.
The above are some of my experiences in recent years. I’ve realized that my fear came from qing. I feel that qing has been a deadly test for me in the past 17 years of my cultivation. When I just started the practice, I was confronted with the test of qing for my husband. After I left China, I stumbled in cultivation because I was too attached to qing for my family members in China. I lost control of my temper because of my qing for my child. Qing made my life an agony.
Master said:
“Those who are attached to affection for family will definitely be burned, entangled, and tormented by it. Pulled by the threads of affection and plagued by them throughout their lives, they will find it too late to regret at the end of their lives.” (“Cultivators' Avoidances” from Essentials for Further Advancement)
I will keep Master's words in mind and try my best to let go of qing. I will cultivate more diligently on my path to return home.