(Minghui.org) I volunteered to be a reporter since Shen Yun performed for the first time in our area. Every year I experienced a cultivation test and my hidden human notions and attachments were exposed.
My fear mentality surfaced the beginning. I was afraid I would not find the right target for an interview, and if I did find them, they would not say anything impressive. I worried that I would be paired with practitioners that I did not get along with and I also did not want to work late every night in order to meet the deadline for the reports.
This year the attachments that I was not able to discard in the past surfaced. It was a serious test.
I had resigned my everyday job, so I could be part of the Falun Dafa media project full time. However, I soon had to leave the media project and take on a job to support myself. Thus, I secretly resented some practitioners and refused for a long time to participate in media-related projects.
I learned that I was approved to join the reporting team earlier this year for our local area. However, I knew that with such a big gap in my cultivation I would not be able to do the work well and that I must discard my resentment before the show.
I started reading the Fa whenever I had time, and kept sending righteous thoughts to clean up all the factors that did not let me focus. Whenever I felt resentment, I immediately pushed it away, and then looked inside to find what caused it. I discovered that my attachment to personal gain and jealousy caused my resentment.
When I examined myself, I found that I often failed to follow the principles of the Fa in my thoughts and deeds. I hid my ordinary thoughts and looked for other people’s faults during conflict. I was protecting my attachments and thus usually tried to justify myself.
I found that I had a long blacklist that included many practitioners who I felt had hurt me. I was shocked and I suddenly realized that I had not looked inside for a long time. I had forgotten that every arrangement Master made for me was to help me discard my human notions. Instead, I pushed all these opportunities away. I only focused on other people’s faults and I had forgotten that I was a practitioner and should unconditionally look inside.
“Some people still have a chance, but some no longer do. For some there is still time left, and for some their only hope is to sprint. But if the person hasn’t laid an adequate foundation, and if the person’s understanding of the Fa is limited, how could he have the drive to persist? Have you been diligent? If you haven’t laid a solid foundation that’s built on the Fa, you won’t be able to do that. That kind of determination and firm sense of conviction come from the Fa.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2015 West Coast Fa Conference”)
I asked myself, “Do I still have a chance? Do I have the determination to persist?”
I felt very good about myself. I talked to people about Falun Gong and the persecution and I had never wavered when I was persecuted. I always placed participating in Dafa projects first and had never pursued the comfort of an ordinary life. I thought I should be considered a good practitioner.
I recently had a dream in which a group of students took a class that prepared for the college entrance examination. One day I missed the class and on my return my seat was taken by another student. I was asked to sit in the waiting area and be assigned a seat if a student was disqualified.
I woke up with a start and understood that it was a hint. Cultivating in the final moments has high standards and requirements and one cannot miss even the smallest step. I became determined to discard my resentment and jealousy and discard my secret blacklist.
Since I had the wish, Master arranged opportunities for me. When I met with the practitioners whom I resented, I reminded myself that Master arranged this opportunity and I must discard my jealousy and resentment.
This year a practitioner whom I resented was also involved in our local reporting for Shen Yun.
During each show we happened to sit next to each other. Each time I sent righteous thoughts and let go of my resentment, I noticed many of her good points.
She had prepared well for the interviews and had memorized all the questions she planned to ask. Some of the questions were very long and difficult but she asked them smoothly. I realized that she had prepared well.
That made me realize that the years of my complaining about her was because I was jealous. I also discovered that I had an attachment to validating myself.
This year I interviewed an important movie director, and what he said was really impressive. The chief editor assigned a practitioner to help me organize the interview into an article. However, when I read the article the next morning I was disappointed.
I thought that the article did not highlight the best parts of the interview and I felt that the practitioner had wasted this rare interview. I thought that if a practitioner with good writing skills were assigned to write the article, it would be outstanding.
However, I immediately realized that my complaint came from my strong attachment to self. I understood that whether we are right or wrong is not important, what is important is that we cooperate well. I also understood that the practitioner had done his best to complete the report. I felt ashamed about my attachment.
When I looked even further inside, I realized that I was jealous of the practitioner who wrote the article. I thought, “He has an ordinary job and is only doing the media work in his spare time. Why is he our media coordinator and directing us, as we do the media work full time!”
As practitioners we should not use any excuse to protect our human notions and we should use every opportunity Master arranged for us to discard attachments and improve our xinxing. If I had done this throughout the years, my problems would not have reached the proportion I now faced.
As a veteran practitioner, I felt quite ashamed for not being able to look inside and truly cultivate.
I realized that I did not completely believe in Master and the Fa. I tended to think that any problems that surfaced were the old force's interference. I tended to avoid trouble, and disliked not being treated well by others.
When I searched deep inside, I also found that I was still attached to ordinary life and was pursuing fame even when I worked on Dafa projects.
I came to understand that believing in Master and the Fa is not only limited to working on Dafa projects. Believing in Master and the Fa is unconditional. A practitioner should not choose which part of the Fa to follow. When a practitioner has difficulties following some part of the Fa, that's where he needs to improve through cultivation.
Going forward, I will use every opportunity Master arranged for me to cultivate and discard my attachments. When facing conflicts I will truly look inside and willingly take any situation as opportunities to improve my xinxing.