(Minghui.org) I am in my 70s and began practicing Falun Gong in November 1996. I didn't understand what cultivation was all about when I first started to practice. I wasn't sure how to cultivate and improve my xinxing.
It was our compassionate Master, the founder of Falun Gong, who guided me through the years of ups and downs. Through the process I have come to understand what cultivation is and how to cultivate diligently following the principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance.
A fellow practitioner said: “I still have the attachment of jealousy. I am jealous that everything you have is better than mine and your cultivation environment is better than mine. Your daughter cultivates, and although your husband doesn't practice, he isn't against you. My five children all oppose me practicing. Your husband treats you nicely. But, my husband and I have been fighting since I started to practice. Even now he still beats me and swears at me.”
While listening to her, I thought that as a practitioner I should look inward and think about whether I too have this attachment. However, I said, “I don't have the attachment of jealousy. I don’t care who gets promoted at work, who gets richer or whose life is better than mine. I am not jealous.” I thought I had cultivated very well.
Soon after I made this statement, my daughter's attitude changed and she disliked me. When I was having problems with my daughter, one practitioner told me: “Your daughter is very nice, she looks after me and she's better than my own daughter.” I felt very uncomfortable after hearing this.
Another time, my daughter started laughing when she was talking to another practitioner. I asked her what made her laugh. She looked at me and said, “Nothing.” I endured it at the time, but I became quite angry later. I thought, “Why don't you tell me? I am your mom. You can't treat me like this.” I also thought that she always concealed things from me. I could feel that there was a gap between us.
My daughter was very busy and she wasn't at home most of the time. So we didn't communicate much. I felt lonely, helpless and angry. I thought that as a practitioner, she should help me in accordance with the Fa if I did something wrong. However, this was looking outward and asking for help from her, and not looking inward or cultivating my xinxing.
I later had the symptoms of a stroke. With my daughter and other practitioners' help, I studied the Fa more and sent forth righteous thoughts. I recovered within two weeks. But my human notion was still there. In order to avoid my problems, I went to another city.
I joined the local Fa study group there, and when I read Lecture Seven of the book Zhuan Falun, Master enlightened me. Master said:
“The issue of jealousy is very serious as it directly involves the matter of whether you can complete cultivation practice. If jealousy is not abolished, everything that you have cultivated will become fragile. There is this rule: If in the course of cultivation practice jealousy is not given up, one will not attain Right Fruit—absolutely not. Perhaps you have heard before that Buddha Amitabha spoke of going to a paradise with karma. But that is not going to happen without giving up jealousy. It may be possible that one falls short in some other minor regards and goes to the paradise with karma for further cultivation. But it is absolutely impossible if jealousy is not abandoned. Today I am telling practitioners that you should not keep yourselves in the dark without being enlightened to it. The goal that you intend to achieve is to practice cultivation toward high levels. The attachment of jealousy must be relinquished, so I have singled out the issue in this lecture.” (Zhuan Falun)
After reading this paragraph, I started crying, just like a child after making a mistake. Master arranged the test for me to improve, but I didn't handle it well, and didn't treat myself as a practitioner. I thought I didn't have the attachment of jealousy, but in fact, my attachment of jealousy was very strong and I didn't realize it.
I corrected my thoughts immediately, and sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate this deeply rooted notion. Master saw that I was determined to remove my attachment of jealousy and helped me to eliminate it.
One time, practitioner A suggested that I read Minghui Weekly with them after Fa study and share with them if there were any problems. We read for a while and practitioner B said, “I am a bit sleepy and can't concentrate.” She then put her shoes on and left. It seemed that she wasn't happy. Practitioner A and I immediately looked within to see if we had done anything wrong to make her angry.
Practitioner A said: “I didn't mention about reading Minghui Weekly with her, and she wanted a copy. I asked her to wait until we had finished reading. Wasn't I too bossy?” I said: “It may be my fault. My words may have irritated her when we were sharing before Fa study.”
Practitioner A suggested that we visit practitioner B and apologize. We then went to practitioner B's home and explained the reason why we were there. But to our surprise practitioner B said: “You misunderstood me. I always look at other practitioners' good points, not like you two who also think about the negative things. I am frank and get to the point.”
I remembered two things when I worked with practitioner B validating the Fa. One day, when we were going to hand out Falun Gong truth clarification materials, practitioner B wanted to take either nine copies or six copies. I thought that wasn't enough. I said: “Minghui Weekly published an article which talked about practitioners being attached to numbers.” When I finished talking, practitioner B said: “I don't have that problem.”
Another time when we were deciding to do things, practitioner B said: “It has been decided, it must be this way. That’s absolute.” She repeated the word 'absolute' a few times. That made me remember Master's Fa teaching:
“The absolute egalitarianism practiced in the past claimed that everyone is born equal, and that it is a person’s post-natal life that changes him or her. I find this statement too absolute. When anything is made absolute, it becomes incorrect.” (Zhuan Falun)
Without thinking, I said to practitioner B: “How can you always be absolute?” She didn't seem happy hearing that.
When I looked inward, I found that I had the same problem. For example, when I buy SIM cards, I like to choose the cards with the number three, six or nine. When I cut vegetables, I always cut nine times, and then stop, and then carry on cutting nine times again. I am strongly attached to the number nine.
Practitioner B used to be in a managerial position. She had a strong Party culture attitude and was very aggressive. But when I pointed out her problems, my words were as if I were complaining and lacked compassion. Isn't this Party culture too? I realized that I also had the same attachments, and they were quite serious. I sent righteous thoughts to eliminate them, including the Party culture.
I sincerely apologized to practitioner B, hoping that she would forgive me. When other practitioners also pointed out her problems, she accepted it. Since then she changed her behavior, and had become much nicer. Whoever needs help, she will offer to help and will always consider others first.
Master frequently enlightens me when I study the Fa. Only when I've let go of my human notions can I feel my xinxing improve.
I am grateful and thank Master for his compassionate salvation. I also thank practitioners for their selfless help.