(Minghui.org) For a period of time I felt that I was blocked by an invisible wall. I could not concentrate on reading the Fa (I had been memorizing the Fa), I could not sit in double lotus position during meditation, and I couldn't achieve tranquility when I meditated. My environment became complicated.
I calmed my mind and started thinking about how I had been cultivating and what were my thoughts. I was surprised to find that in many respects I had not undergone fundamental changes in my cultivation and had not met the xinxing requirements of Dafa.
I asked myself why, whenever I encountered certain situations, I behaved as an ordinary person. I kept reading the Fa and I had memorized Zhuan Falun a dozen times. I thought I knew the fundamental requirements for a Dafa practitioner. When I recited “The World’s Ten Evils” in Hong Yin , I realized that many of the elements mentioned in the poem were in my thoughts.
But most startling, I found that I also had the old forces' characteristics mentioned in Master's Fa lecture. Master said,
“While every living being was degenerating from the time of the very good period, none of them felt it at all. No sentient being was aware that they would degenerate, and they all liked to compare themselves to beings who weren’t as good as they. They would still regard themselves as better than others.” (“Teaching the Fa at the Conference in the Midwest-U.S.” 1999)
These old forces' characteristics Master talked about manifested as I kept looking at fellow practitioners' insufficiencies and conduct which did not meet the requirements of the Fa, and I kept looking at ordinary people's low morality.
After I identified my shortcomings, I said to Master in my mind, “Master, I was not diligent before. From now on, I will start my cultivation over again and do the three things well. I will examine every one of my thoughts.”
One day while I was meditating, the moment I quieted down, I suddenly realized that all the incorrect thoughts and my consciousness were not from my true self. They were from something which was separate from me. All the thoughts which were not based on the Fa were from it.
Those incorrect thoughts – the thoughts that had interfered with my validating Dafa, and the things I had done which were inconsistent with the Fa when I failed to maintain my xinxing – were all the result of its manipulation. When I came to understand this, tears ran down my face. I had cultivated for many years but I was unable to know my true self. I was not able to base myself on the Fa to recognize my true self. I had never realized that those thoughts and the way I was thinking were not from my true self.
Before the Chinese New Year, I had a thought: “We have been telling people about the persecution for so many years and have distributed a lot of materials, but many people do not know the truth. Shen Yun Performing Arts has achieved a great impact abroad. Let us promote Shen Yun DVDs then!” I talked to a fellow practitioner. The night of the second day of the Chinese New Year, we made the first batch of Shen Yun DVDs. When our friends and relatives visited during the Chinese New Year we gave them the DVDs.
Sometime we could distribute 600-700 DVDs per day and sometime 200-300 CDs per day. Wherever we went, as soon as we took out the DVDs, people would gather around us to get one. Some of them thanked us politely. One said, “You should have done this long ago.” One of my relatives told me, “Shen Yun is excellent!” Their attitudes towards Dafa changed and they were all touched. Before we started distributing Shen Yun DVDs their attitude towards our truth-clarification was rather indifferent.
Every time we went out to distribute DVDs, we never seemed to bring enough and there were always more people who wanted them. To make the DVDs I usually had to work through the night and sometimes I could only sleep for a few hours. When it was time to do the Falun Dafa exercises I thought, “I didn't have enough rest last night, I can postpone the morning exercises.” But I would immediately realize, “Was I comparing myself with ordinary people? Master told us that doing the exercises is the best kind of rest.” With this thought these ordinary thoughts immediately disappeared.
Several years ago I was illegally detained for some time by the police. After I was released I found that my wife was having an affair. She could not get herself out of it and offered me a divorce. I thought that since I'm a Dafa practitioner, if I didn't help her who would? If I turned my back on her, she would have no future. No matter what she had done, I just pretended that nothing happened. I told her, "We are husband and wife, I will take care of you no matter what." I refused to acknowledge anything else.
A lot of ordinary people’s thoughts came up in the process of dealing with this situation. However as soon as I began having ordinary thoughts, my entire body would be in pain. Every cell was in extreme pain. Later when I went out to work, my wife silently hugged me, and tears ran down her face. I told her, “You should start learning the Fa.” She has begun learning the Fa and she is diligent.
The above is my personal understanding. Please point out any mistakes.