I'm the One with the Xinxing Problem
In January of this year, practitioner A and I learned how to install satellite dishes, so we could provide people with the opportunity to receive broadcasting from NTD television. We split the work, with me working outside adjusting the dish while A tested the signals. Although we specialized in different things, A often complained that I was not very bright, and this tested my xinxing whenever I worked with him. On the other hand, I believed that he was stingy and penny-pinching.
One time he came to help me install a dish and a high frequency component was missing. I took a new one from the tool box, but he told me to stop it. While I was putting the dish up, he removed the new component. I did not say anything but was upset and complained in my mind, “He is so stingy. The components are mine too and he won't let me use them? That was terribly stingy.” Although I realized that I still hadn't given up the attachments to selfishness, taking advantage whenever possible and wanting rewards, I could not stop blaming him. I complained to other practitioners about him. One day a practitioner told me, “The two of you should look out for each other.” Suddenly I realized that I only cared for my own interest. I felt bad, because I realized that I was the stingy person who did not want to buy a new part, not him!
After we were both familiar with what had to be done, A installed the satellite dishes on his own. This way he didn't have to share the installation fee with me. I did not like the fact that he was dishonest with me. I complained to his wife, also a practitioner. I thought that she might be impartial. Unexpectedly she said, “He told me that you have a lot of problems. He always has to pick you up in his car, and you are small minded.” I got even more angry with him.
A few days later A called me to help install a satellite dish at an apartment on the fourth floor. I did not pass the test and told him, “I am not going, you can do it yourself.” I then went to the kitchen to wash my face. As I looked down, I saw a crack in the washbasin, which made me realize that there was a gap in my xinxing. I calmed down and started to look within. Was I just concerned about the money or did I want to help people receive NTD broadcasts? When A installed the satellite dish independently he was also promoting NTD. I wanted to call A, but I was still out of sorts and thought, “He didn't think that I was good enough, why should I work with him?” I corrected my thought quickly, “Promoting NTD is much more important than my own pride. I guess I can see him as my boss and work for him humbly.” I called him and said, “I'm not adept in the technical part of satellite dish installation and caused you a lot of inconvenience. From now on, you lead and I will follow. I will help you when you need me. The installation work can't be delayed.”
I put on my winter pants and took a taxi to where A was. I climbed to the sixth floor from outside of the building despite the freezing temperature. I had only one thought: “Let the NTD broadcasts come through.”
Keeping the Mind Unaffected
Master said, “...demons then come along to scare him, or they'll change into beautiful women to seduce him. All kinds of things can happen.” (Zhuan Falun) One time a brainwashing class was held in our town and a practitioner learned that the 610 Office wanted to take two practitioners there, with one of them being a teacher. That practitioner warned me and I felt a little nervous. I began to ponder whether I should go out that evening to distribute fliers. I talked to a practitioner who encouraged me, “You should watch carefully how your mind is changed when you hear such information.” I decided not to be influenced by this interference and do what I had planned. That night I distributed a lot of fliers and put up a lot of posters. Nothing happened.
The next morning a practitioner came to me to discuss a problem. In our sharing, I felt that I had improved a lot. The Fa principles became clear to me and I in fact encouraged that practitioner. If no practitioner was afraid of being taken to a brainwashing class, the old forces would have no gaps of fear to exploit, and there would be no reason for the brainwashing classes to exist.
Eliminating Attachments after Looking Within
I was proud of myself because of my actions. The flag I made to celebrate May 13 was hung outside, the banners I designed were displayed in eight scenic spots in the county, and I lowered the price of my installation fee. At that time, another attachment surfaced: zealotry.
I had planned to talk about my success stories during an experience sharing session. But unexpectedly, the group discussed a few incidents which were somehow linked to me. A practitioner who studied the Fa with me was arrested, another practitioner was reported to the authorities, and the group said it was a mistake to lower the installation fee. The practitioners wanted me to sit down and look within. I felt very unhappy, inferior and blamed myself. At noon, after sending righteous thoughts, I felt much better because I had eliminated my attachments of feeling inferior and blaming myself.
After I looked within, I realized that I had wanted to validate myself. I wanted to prove that I was good and win approval from others because I was jealous of those who had done better. I felt frustrated when criticized, especially when the criticism came from practitioners I admired or were of the opposite sex. The attachment to self made me go to the extreme. In fact, when I did something well, that was because I had righteous thoughts. When I did not do well, it was a manifestation of my attachments that still held me in their thrall and I needed to improve. Nothing should make me feel outstanding or inferior.
We must take every step solidly. We should eliminate all our attachments so we desire nothing. We should not try to change others but only our own minds. We should improve ourselves so the true power of the Fa and our mighty virtue can manifest.
We do not want any human notions. Nothing should mean more than helping Master rectify the Fa and save people. Nothing should exist except true cultivation. Master said,
“A hundred years of human life, for whom so busy?
Fame, fortune, and feelings toward family arouse deep anxiety
When the music stops and the drama is over, who am I?
Heaven speaks not, leaving us confused” (“Meaning of Life” from Hong Yin III)