(Minghui.org) Actually my impression of Practitioner A was entirely the opposite several years before. I had thought that her cultivation state was outstanding and that she had a solid understanding of the Fa. As time passed, I saw that her behavior did not match her words. That's when I started feeling like distancing myself from her. Now I realized that I shouldn't have built this invisible “wall” between her and myself, so I immediately sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the factors that had been interfering and standing between us.
– By the author
I have experienced many struggles on my cultivation path since 1998 and also witnessed the miraculousness of Dafa many times. I'd like to share some of my understandings with fellow practitioners.
Looking Inward During Coordination Responsibilities
One morning after sending forth righteous thoughts at 6 a.m., I started to have diarrhea and had to use the bathroom nine times throughout the morning. I kept sending forth righteous thoughts, but it didn't seem to help. I thought that I wouldn't be able to attend that day's group Fa study because there was no bathroom at that location. But then I realized this thought was wrong, and I told myself that the diarrhea would stop and nothing could prevent me from attending group Fa study. At around 11 a.m., the diarrhea stopped and I was able to attend the Fa study. However, it came back at midnight and I again had to go to the bathroom many times. Lying in bed, I pressed a pillow to my stomach to reduce the pain. I also tried to eliminate the interference by looking within. What did I do wrong? Was it because I boasted to the group in the afternoon about being able to stop the diarrhea, which indicated a heart of showing off and zealotry? The pain was getting more intense and expanded up to my chest. Sweating profusely from enduring the tremendous pain, I felt like crying.
I said to Teacher in my heart, “Please, I can't stand this any longer. Teacher, save me. I am reaching my limit...” Then I vomited, and I felt a little better after that. Lying in bed, I tried to look inward deeper for my omissions in my current cultivation state. Suddenly, a paragraph of Zhuan Falun came to mind,
“For a practitioner, one’s mind-intent dictates supernormal abilities to do things. For an everyday person, one’s mind-intent directs the four limbs and the sensory organs to work, just like the production office in a factory: The director’s office issues orders to each department of specific functions to carry out duties. It is also like the military headquarters: The commander’s office gives the order and directs the entire army to carry out a mission.”
I felt that I had enlightened to a deeper understanding of Teacher's words, and it was at that point that my stomachache disappeared and the diarrhea stopped.
Recalling what had happened the day before, I realized that the way I was handling something was not in line with the Fa, which could have been the trigger for the old forces to interfere with me and cause my physical tribulation. It was around 3 p.m. and I was still studying the Fa with my group, when Practitioner A called me to bring her 10,000 yuan. I asked her if I had to do it right away and she said yes. I presumed that she needed the money urgently, such as to buy printing supplies to make materials that could not wait. So I hurried home on my bike, got the money, and took it to her. I then discovered that it wasn’t that urgent. I didn't say anything to her, but I started complaining to myself, “It's a hot day today. Although your home is right next to a bank, you didn’t go yourself to get the needed cash, but had someone else who had to travel a long way to do it.” I realized that I needed to practice “forbearance.”
Practitioner A and I had not been coordinating well with each other for a while. Although we had realized this and tried to improve our troubled relationship, we had not looked deeply within. For example, I often criticized her, saying that she was validating herself instead of the Fa in her Dafa work, that she was not open to others' opinions, that she was jealous, and that she was not able to do coordination work well. I looked down on her and even criticized her in front of other practitioners without considering how that might make her feel. Sometimes I thought of being compassionate to her, but simply forgot it when I saw her. I realized that this was my heart of jealousy talked about in Zhuan Falun and that I had not cultivated myself but focused on others. My negative attitude toward her reached the point that I didn't want to see her and I complained to fellow practitioners. Some pointed out to me that I needed to correct my attitude, as it could lead to serious damage to the different Dafa groups and work in our local area. Instead of taking notice of their comments, I defended myself with Teacher's words, saying, “Teacher said that if we can't coordinate on a large scale, we can work in smaller areas; as long as I am doing the three things. I can learn from other practitioners by reading sharing articles from all over the world on the Minghui website.” At that time, I was considering becoming a solo practitioner and not having any contact with others.
Actually my impression of Practitioner A was entirely the opposite several years before. I had thought that her cultivation state was outstanding and that she had a solid understanding of the Fa. As time passed, I saw that her behavior did not match her words. That's when I started feeling like distancing myself from her. Now I realized that I shouldn't have built this invisible “wall” between her and myself, so I immediately sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the factors that had been interfering and standing between us—my attachments of complaining, jealousy, competition, and the desire for tangible outcomes—in an attempt to correct my thoughts and actions so that they were in line with the standard of the Fa.
The next morning at 7 a.m., Practitioner A called me to tell me that Practitioner B had been arrested and that I must inform others to send forth righteous thoughts for B. My complaints emerged immediately as I listened to her: “Why do you have to explain in such detail? We all know what it means just by saying 'send forth righteous thoughts for B.' You would have been mad if others had talked to you like this.” Well, I noticed that I was moved by my anger and then tried to suppress it. I called her back to remind her to be careful because the Political and Legal Affairs Committee Party secretary lived in her neighborhood. She interrupted me and said I should come over to her home to continue the conversation. It was true that I didn't pay attention to immediate security issues, even as I complained about others who had committed similar mistakes. But now she was asking me to go to her place, and I was exhausted from the whole night of the physical tribulation. I wanted to call her and tell her to come to my place, but, on second thought, I didn't, and instead I rode my bike to her home.
We discussed how to rescue the arrested practitioner. A said to me, “I sincerely believe that you are much better than me in doing this kind of work.” Hearing that, I was content. However, I began asking myself, “Why am I taking her compliment so seriously? Is my cultivation for her? Have I listened to and done everything that Teacher has said? Will Teacher approve of everything I have done? Am I validating myself or the Fa?” These questions woke me up immediately, and I finally enlightened to the real cause of the conflicts between the two of us. It was that I had not been cultivating myself or improving myself; rather, I had been pursuing the recognition of fellow practitioners, especially Practitioner A. I got upset if she pointed out my shortcomings and happy if she acknowledged me. In other words, instead of cultivating myself according to the Fa, I did Dafa work to show off for fellow practitioners, as if that acknowledgment had been the purpose of my cultivation of Dafa.
I had been regarded by other practitioners around me as someone with a clear and solid understanding of the Fa principles. They liked to consult me, and I didn't hesitate for a minute to offer my opinions. Believing that I was better than other practitioners, I actually deviated from the Fa principles. My physical sufferings were a means that Teacher used to wake me up from my mistakes.
On leaving A's home, I went to the bank, because she had asked me to get smaller denominations of cash. I then tried to call her to come down from her sixth floor apartment, but saw that her cell phone had been turned off, which indicated that she wasn't planning to come down to pick up the money, and I would have to walk up six floors again. I didn't get upset this time, and felt calm and compassionate. Something that had been blocked in my heart had melted and a warm current was flowing through me.
Breaking Through Fear to Establish a Material Production Site
My past experience with illegal arrests, forced labor camps, brainwashing centers, and the trouble and suffering that my family had gone through cast a shadow in my heart. Police car sirens scared me and made my heart jump; I feared to go out alone; I dared not to greet fellow practitioners, worrying that I might be reported to the police; when others gave me a copy of Teacher's new lectures, I only read them at home and didn't join other practitioners to study together.
As I kept reading Teacher's writings, I became aware of what a Dafa practitioner in the Fa-rectification period was. I wanted to do the three things well in order to qualify for the title of Dafa practitioner. I had to go out to save sentient beings and assist Teacher in the Fa-rectification.
Once I ran into a practitioner by chance. Seeing her carrying a big bag of informational materials to be distributed, I asked her if I might have some. I took only about a dozen copies, still fearing being persecuted for practicing my belief. When I was delivering one pamphlet to the first household I encountered, I was too scared to leave it at the door, so I stuck it to the wall far away from the door with double-sided adhesive tape. Although no one was in the lane at the time, I scared myself to death and rode away on my bike. I didn't dare to go straight home, but rode my bike around half the town before going home, fearing that I might have been followed. On arriving home, I sat down to send forth righteous thoughts. My heart was pounding, my throat was tight, and I hadn't noticed that I had been sweating the whole time.
I asked myself why I was so afraid. Afraid of being arrested and tortured again and afraid of bringing trouble to my family as a result? However, I had not been thinking of sentient beings who might miss the chance of salvation due to not having access to knowing the truth about Dafa. My selfish thinking wasn’t that of a Dafa practitioner. Recalling Teacher's lectures on the matter, I felt my fear became much less significant; instead, I was equipped with strong righteous thoughts. I left home to continue to distribute the rest of the materials without any fear, and there was no problem at all. From then on, I joined another practitioner to distribute materials every day. No matter how much the coordinating practitioner brought us, we distributed them all.
After the Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party was published, we started to distribute it as well. We began with several copies a day, then a dozen, and, at the end, a backpack full of them. We distributed many boxes of the booklets.
Later, we could not get materials as frequently because the material production site could not supply sufficient quantities.
The two of us had been used to waiting for others to deliver materials to us and we would distribute whatever amount of materials we were provided with. The idea of producing materials on our own had never occurred to me. Nothing happens by accident. As Teacher said in one of the later lectures, practitioners should establish materials production sites like little flowers blossoming everywhere. I decided to plant my own flower and set up a material production site in my home instead of waiting for others to provide materials to me and practitioners in my area. But I didn't know how to use a computer and I didn't even have a computer at home! I was worried, thinking that maybe this was not feasible. I consulted with my mom who was also a practitioner. She said, “Since you have thought about it, you should do it. To buy a computer and a printer, I can help you with 1,000 yuan. I believe if you want to do it, you can do it.” But I also needed someone to teach me how to use the equipment and access the Internet. I considered practitioners that I knew, and thought that Practitioner C could probably introduce me to someone with computer skills. However, I had not been in contact with her since 1999. Regardless, I got in touch with her and asked her if she could find someone to teach me to make materials. I couldn't believe it when she simply said, “We don't have to find anyone else. I know how to do it and I can teach you.” I was so grateful, and I understood that it was Teacher who had arranged this.
I bought a second-hand laptop and a laser printer, plus a USB memory stick, and the production site was established. Starting from scratch, I learned from Practitioner C how to access the Internet, download materials, edit, and print articles and pamphlets from the Minghui website. Several days later, I started producing materials for distribution. My flower was blossoming.
At the beginning, I didn't dare to let my husband know, because he would be frightened and worried that the police would come to give us trouble. I only worked on making materials when he was at work and hid all the equipment and materials before he came home. At that time, I only had a black-and-white printer to produce materials for the practitioners in my group to distribute. This lasted for over two years, then I switched to a color printer. But the color printer worked slower than the laser printer, and I now needed to produce different types of materials and increased numbers for more than 20 practitioners. Several times I couldn't finish printing before my husband came home, so I just pushed the machines under the bed without shutting them down properly. Eventually, the printer and the computer wouldn't work right anymore. I couldn't print all the needed materials within the several hours he was away. What should I do? I couldn't quit; I had to break through the situation. I realized that I should tell him what I was doing and get his approval.
One day when he came home from work, he saw me printing Dafa materials. He shouted at me, “What are you doing! Do you want to die? What if someone sees you and reports you to the police?” Ignoring his fear, I calmly said to him, “Look how frightened you are. I have been doing this for over two years, safely. I am not doing something bad. I am doing the most magnificent, scared, and merciful thing in the universe. My Teacher is protecting me. Don't worry. Just support me in what I am doing, because this is the right thing to do.” I showed him a pamphlet that I had just made. He looked through it and was surprised to see how nice it was and couldn't believe I had made it. “Wow, it's really pretty! You are so capable!” I knew I had made the right choice in telling my husband. His compliments were encouragement from Teacher.
Thus I was able to make materials without having to hide what I was doing.
Eventually, I bought a new computer, and my husband contributed to purchasing two other printers for me. After watching the Nine Commentaries DVD, my husband gave me 2,000 yuan and said, “This is so valuable, you should make more for distribution! This money is my contribution to help you make them. Don't use the money for anything else, only for producing copies and DVDs of the Nine Commentaries.” My husband is not a practitioner yet, but he has been doing the exercises every morning. When I read Teacher's books at home, he often asks me to read aloud so that he can listen. He has also talked to his colleagues, friends, and former classmates about the facts of Dafa and the persecution, and provided them with software to break through the Internet blockade.
With Teacher's guidance, fellow practitioners' assistance, and my husband's support, my little blossom has been growing happily and safely for more than six years, and it will continue to grow until the world is rectified by the Fa.