(Clearwisdom.net) I recently realized that although I've practiced for 15 years, I haven't truly cultivated. I still have many attachments, such as the desire for fame, profit and qing, that I haven't let go of. I felt as if I hadn't practiced at all and I was really worried. Listening to practitioners share in Fa study groups, I felt that their enlightenment quality was good, and they could enlighten to Master's teachings and the principles of the Fa. I felt as if Master did not give me hints because I fell far short in comparison with them, particularly in reference to those who cultivated diligently and improved rapidly. The distance between us grew greater and greater and I was very worried.
During this time I always pondered, "Why is my cultivation so lacking?" First, I thought that my enlightenment quality was poor because my inborn quality was poor. I understood why I did not really practice and hadn't improved over the last 15 years after reading Master's recent lectures, “Dafa Disciples Must Study the Fa” and “What is a Dafa Disciple.” I didn't want to give up the good life and the attachments and desires that went along with that. I always considered what I could get out of something and what the losses would be. I wanted the everyday things in life, such as good fortune, good health, youthfulness, and Master's protection, yet I also wanted the benefits of cultivation practice. I didn't regard myself as a cultivator, nor did I meet the requirements of a Falun Dafa disciple. When encountering conflicts I looked outward rather than inward and didn't take responsibility for my actions. I fundamentally wanted to be human. I used the benefits of practicing Dafa and behaved as a human. This was the root of my attachment. This fundamental attachment kept me from breaking out of humanness and cultivating the divine. I didn't recognize my historical responsibility as a Dafa disciple and I didn't do the three things well.
After practicing for so long, I was truly ashamed, and ashamed in front of Master and the sentient beings that I am responsible for, for not realizing my fundamental problem until the final moments of Fa-rectification. I have now awakened that I must do the three things well that Master has required of us, and, in the process, let go of human attachments and walk the path of divinity. As long as we do things according to Master's requirements, the more effort we put in, the more we will gain.
We must study the Fa well and truly believe in Master and Dafa. Previously, I didn't study well and I didn't adequately trust in Master and the Fa. When encountering problems, I didn't recognize that they weren't accidental and that they were arranged to help me elevate my xinxing, but instead I used ordinary means to resolve them. I didn't treat them with the attitude of a cultivator and I didn't look within. Sometimes I even held grudges against others, which made the problems more difficult to resolve. I realized, “The people around us are here to help us improve and we should thank them,” yet I still held grudges against them! As a cultivator this was so disappointing. I am presently copying Zhuan Falun, and, as I write each word, each character appears before my eyes. This enables me to truly to concentrate and my mind doesn't easily wander.
Now, I attach great importance to sending righteous and do it more diligently and frequently. If our own fields are not cleaned up well, there will be a great deal of interference in our own dimensions, as well as interference coming from other dimensions. If we don't eliminate it, the interference will be able to take effect. My state when sending righteous thoughts improved after I sent them more frequently. I am now alert when sending righteous thoughts and they are powerful and concentrated.
There are many aspects of doing the three things that I haven't done well, such as directly telling people the facts about Falun Gong and the persecution and urging them to withdraw from the Chinese Communist Party and its affiliated organizations. I have only sent people DVDs of Shen Yun Performing Arts. Sometimes I have called people to talk to them about Falun Gong, but I haven't done this consistently every day. I haven't acknowledged my historical responsibility and mission as a Fa Rectification Dafa disciple. I have many ordinary notions and I am attached to the sentiment of fear.
One day, I copied the words, “succeeded in cultivation practices...” (Zhuan Falun) when I suddenly thought, “I've studied the Fa for over a decade, yet I haven't really obtained the Fa. I haven't truly followed the Fa and I'm not truly practicing. Perhaps I haven't obtained anything. Maybe my practice has been in vain and when my lifetime is over I won't have cultivated Buddhahood. Isn't that sad?" So I thought, if I want to succeed in cultivation, the only way is to give up all attachments. I realized that it was already late, and the only thing that I could do was to courageously and diligently practice and strive to catch up.