Western Practitioner: Sentiment and Lust Almost Ruined Me

(Clearwisdom.net) I am a young woman who began practicing Falun Gong in early 2007. During these years, I've always struggled passing the lust test.

From when I was very young, I was immersed in improper behavior with boys. One could say I was really degenerated, without moral values, and completely deluded by ordinary society with very dirty thoughts. All the bad things I did in my youth created a big mountain of karma for me. Even today, this huge attachment to sentiment and lust still interferes with me.

In the beginning, when I learned from Master's lectures about improper relations between a boy and a girl who are not married, I tried hard to behave properly towards my former boyfriend. However, I failed. Afterwards, I ended our relationship. I thought that now I would not need to worry about making mistakes like that the whole time. However, now I know that running away from something and looking outward is not the way to eliminate attachments. So of course my attachment was still there, I had simply stopped acting on my bad thoughts. My mind was still very dirty, and my xinxing didn't improve in the least.

More than a year ago, I got to know another boy. At that time I was very clear on how unmarried practitioners should behave on these issues. In the beginning I was very strict with myself and behaved properly. But the tests became bigger and bigger, and the demon of lust tried its utmost to destroy me. Not long after, I again made mistakes. Every time I did this, I felt indescribably depressed and terrible, extremely ashamed and regretful. I cried almost every day. However, due to my huge attachment and dirty mind, I repeated the same mistakes again and again.

Now I know that the problem was that I didn't cultivate my xinxing. I thought that as long as I didn't make the same mistake, I would be improving my character. However, Master has told us that cultivating our mind is most important.

"This directly involves our own minds. In order to eliminate this negative thing, you must first change your mind." (Lecture 4, Zhuan Falun)

So from then on I started to look inward and look at every thought in my mind. I checked and examined every thought that came to my mind. When it was a dirty thought, I eliminated it. I also added one more thought while sending forth righteous thoughts: "The demon of lust must be completely eliminated." I want to have a pure field and mind, and I do not allow these dirty thoughts to enter my field. I want to be a good Dafa disciple.

During that period--and still now--I didn't dare to look at Master's photo and didn't dare to face other practitioners. I didn't dare to call myself a practitioner anymore. I am very busy with many Dafa projects, so I really felt unworthy of doing them, as I wasn't worthy of doing this sacred work. The pain and regret in my heart was really tremendous. I cried many times and asked Master to please let me still be a Dafa disciple. Dafa gave purpose to my life. The most terrible thing would be if I could not practice anymore. I couldn't think of anything sadder.

I felt really like I was following the old forces' arrangements. In another dimension, I was already in hell, as I saw in my dreams during this dark period. The most wonderful thing is that Master still helped me when I was in this degenerated state and gave me hints in my dreams to show how terrible I was in another dimension. In my dreams I was in a dark and filthy place and was running away from the evil. Once I dreamed that I was a very poor girl who lived with beggars in very degenerated, dirty environments. When I woke up, I had an extremely strong wish to study the Fa.

Now I haven't made this mistake for about six months. I feel like I am gradually rising up out of the dirt, and try to purify my mind continuously. Every thought that we have should be measured by the Fa.

I have learned a lot during this process. The most important has been to cultivate our minds, to look inward continuously and correct all incorrect states of mind. This will ensure that the mistake will not happen again.

"One righteous mind can subdue one hundred evils." (Lecture Five, Zhuan Falun)

Recently, Master gave a few lectures regarding relationships between members of the opposite sex, and many practitioners have also recently shared their experiences concerning this issue on the Minghui/Clearwisdom website. I saw it as a hint to share mine, too. The articles by fellow practitioners supported me a lot in breaking through this huge obstacle. Now I know I should go on, and that all those who have made this mistake will go on.

However, I feel that these mistakes caused huge losses in my cultivation. It still affects my righteousness a lot. It created a lot of thought karma, as Master said in Zhuan Falun,

"Because one is lost among everyday people, one will often develop in one's mind thoughts for fame, benefits, lust, anger, etc. Gradually, these thoughts become the powerful thought karma." (Lecture 6, Zhuan Falun)

It also decreased the wonderful and sacred feeling of Dafa which I experienced before. Sometimes I can feel that this wonderful feeling is rising again, as a lotus flower slowly coming out of the mud.

I want to make up for all the losses I have brought about. I fell far downwards in my cultivation. I brought about losses to sentient beings waiting to be saved. I did the most terrible things a practitioner could do. For quite some time--and still now--I felt deep regret. My only hope is that I can be worthy of being a Dafa disciple again. I came to this human world to be a Dafa disciple, to help Master with saving sentient beings; this is my vow, which I need to fulfill.

I want to tell all my fellow practitioners who have gone through such a tremendously shameful period like I did, or who are still going through it: we must continue to do our utmost to eliminate the demon of lust completely without any excuses! We must do everything we can to eliminate the incorrect thoughts from our minds. We must do the three things well, and we can only do this when we cultivate ourselves well and study the Fa well to purify our field. I believe that when we truly understand the magnificence and preciousness of Dafa, everything can be given up. But the old forces will try everything to destroy us!

The fear of exposing this is enormous, as I feel terribly ashamed. I decided to start with exposing my mistakes via this experience sharing article. I want to express my deepest apology to Dafa, Master, and fellow cultivators. I feel an immense regret.

Master's compassion is indescribably enormous. When I think about this, I feel such a tremendous pain and regret that I cannot describe it in words.

My level is very limited. Please point out anything inappropriate.