(Clearwisdom.net) I have always possessed a haughty mannerism and always looked down upon everyone. I looked down upon those who were better than me because of jealousy. Lacking compassion, I looked down upon those who were not as good as me and I would feel uncomfortable if any of them surpassed me. I hardly had any friends because I was pretentious and kept people a thousand miles away. I was also very selfish and rarely helped others. In addition, if someone helped me, I accepted it without any hesitation and felt no gratitude. At present, remembering the past, I really consider myself a person who had no conscience. Even in the first couple of years of my cultivation, my only goal was to pursue from the Fa rather than thank Master which is evident enough to see how arrogant and selfish I was before.
Haughtiness, the selfish trait of the past cosmos, followed me before I practiced Dafa. It has impeded me from obtaining the Fa and in time it has separated me from my group thus creating the isolation.
I was even an atheist and I laughed at those who talked about Buddhas. Time after time, others advised me to learn Dafa, however, I always laughed at them loudly and made fun of them in return. I was exactly what Master has said about "a foolish person." I only admired people who had worldly knowledge. Our merciful Master sent a knowledgeable graduate student in my region to guide me onto my cultivation path.
After beginning the practice, I never attended group Fa-study because I thought it was shameful to study the Fa with the illiterate and the semi-literate in my village. I even laughed at them in my mind thinking that: "They knew nothing about the immensity of heaven and earth. They knew very little characters, so how could they become a Buddha." They wanted me to read Dafa books to them, but I used all kinds of excuses to escape. I had only joined the Fa study group once in a while because I didn't realize the importance of Fa-study and had a shallow understanding of the Fa. I read the Fa to them with the attachment of showing off and pretended to understand, explaining the Fa, molecules, the universe and space carelessy with what I learned from ordinary people in order to let others feel I was a learned scholar. It was another serious attachment of mine, which was the reason that I tripped and fell. During my own cultivation and then Fa-rectification cultivation, I always kept a distance from others. I had never discussed the Fa with fellow practitioners, which caused my isolation from the group for seven years.
Until 2005, I had realized that I didn't follow Master's requirements, neither did I go to Fa-study groups with fellow practitioners, nor followed the path arranged by Master.
When I went to Fa-study, a new practitioner pointed at me to read the Fa for everyone. If I didn't want to read on a particular day, she would snap loudly at me. In the beginning, I was able to bear it, however, she has often snapped at me and sometimes she makes a few negative comments during my reading. I then started to argue with her. Other fellow practitioners persuaded me to look inside rather than argue with her. I thought that I did nothing wrong and that it was her fault because she was the one who snapped at me. I privately told my aggrieved feelings to fellow practitioners. However, she didn't change at all. One day, I couldn't help talking to Master in my mind, "Master, does 'tolerance' mean that I have to be snapped at in front of everyone as a sinner? Do Dafa disciples have to be meek and subservient in order to cultivate? Isn't this degrading to the image of Master's disciples? Don't we need self-esteem after practice?" I considered the attachments I must get rid of as a form of interference and persecution.
Another day, she snapped at me again. I did not point out that she should speak kindly, but argued with her, "How much did you pay me for reading the Fa and snapping at me? Do I owe you anything?" I regretted very much afterwards the words that I said. Several days later, she again snapped at me. I thought in mind, "I won't come tomorrow. I'll avoid you since I cannot offend you. I can study the Fa at home."
The next day when it was time for Fa-study, I didn't want to go. However, I suddenly remembered that it would be like what I did in the past. I would again be isolated by the old forces. So then I decided to go. She was very kind to me that day, thus, I felt a little more comfortable. One day, I told a fellow practitioner in an injured tone how well I did in treating my mother-in-law, however, she didn't utter any grateful words and even bullied me. Unexpectedly, the fellow practitioner said, "Do you think you are head of your household? They just consider those things your obligation." In addition, she even sneered at me in the end. How could she put me to shame in public! I behaved as a good woman, however, everyone bullied me. I was so angry that I planned to go home to drive my mother-in-law away. However, I was helping her study the Fa at that time. If I drove her away, I would be taken in by the old forces. I couldn't do that. After studying the Fa for a whole day, I finally felt a little more at peace. Behaving this way, I tolerated all of them. One day a fellow practitioner happened to ask me why I didn't argue with that female practitioner. I replied with haughtiness, "What's her level? How can I argue with her, otherwise, I would be at the same level as she." Actually, I still disregarded her words in my mind. Another day, she snapped at me again, "Being so impolite stretching your arms and legs in front of fellow practitioners, you do not have a proper education." I replied in my mind, "People who know me all think that I have a good eduacational background. It was me who explained so many stories of classical Chinese tradition to everyone. How could you, someone who is illiterate, be criticizing me? I have a much higher education than you. I even remember Classical Romance of the Three Kingdoms."
At this moment, I suddenly realized, "Who's the greater person? Who is the real greater person? Are they those literary scholars? Are they those scientists? Today, only my Master is the real greater person in the universe." I continued to consider, "I have studied the Fa, however, I didn't follow the Fa, nor followed what Master required. I still persisted in my old ways. Isn't it me who behaved as someone not having a higher education? Isn't my grade of cultivation zero up till now?" I finally understood, "Not only because of the stretching of my arms and legs, but also all my attachments, my every word and action, and my every thought are not in line with the Fa. I just studied Master's Fa, but I didn't follow it. Isn't it equal to not learning anything from Master? I wasted all that studying." I have now come to a clearer understanding. All that I have done in the past were not in line with the Fa. This fellow practitioner did not want to harp at me at all. Every time, her words were directed towards my attachments. It was only I who was at fault because I didn't enlighten. Master had guided me through this practitioner. However, I didn't look inside. I have made many mistakes and I didn't follow Master and the Fa. I strayed too far away from the Fa. Possessing the education from ordinary people, I considered myself to be higher than others. It was a very serious attachment and obstacle on my cultivation path. Having done something well, I needed others to praise me. If not, I felt indignant. It was my attachments to fame, face, and dignity.
From then on, I finally lowered my haughty head. I told myself to be modest and tolerant. No matter what others point out to me, I must try to listen carefully without arguing and rectify myself according to their guidance even if the guidance happens to come from others. Haughtiness made me blind in seeing the positive perspectives of fellow practitioners. Although they know just a few characters, they studied the Fa by heart and followed the Fa all the time. Master said,
"Let each and every thing
be measured against the Fa.
Only then, with that,
is it actually cultivation." ("Solid Cultivation," Hong Yin)
Therefore, they had no accidents when validating the Fa. But for me, although I did numerous work in validating the Fa, I almost lost my life because I didn't cultivate myself well.
Today, I really appreciate Master's merciful salvation and I would also like to thank fellow practitioners who sincerely pointed out my mistakes to help me improve.