(Clearwisdom.net) Lately my cultivation status has not been good. I can't concentrate on reading the book and sending forth righteous thoughts, I feel I lack the ability to do what I would like on things to save sentient beings, and I do not feel satisfied with myself.
I have a baby less than one year old. With this little one in my life, I suddenly have many extra things to handle. In addition to my laziness, my time to study the Fa became much less. Every day I think of human things. I know this is not right. After studying the Fa, I was better for a few days, but then I became worse.
In this half year, my husband went out to earn extra money. We owed several thousand yuan in debts before he left. In the beginning, every day I tried to think of ways to repay the debt. Later I became attached to sentimentality. I missed my husband and wanted him to come back. I thought about what he could do to earn money if he came back. I had one thought one day and another the next. I often talked about it, until even my mom and dad were bored with it and simply did not let me mention my family matters. Even so, I still felt I was in the Fa. I was reading the Fa and sending forth righteous thoughts, but actually I was far away from the Fa.
A few days ago we had a class reunion, which was a hard-won opportunity to tell the truth and advise people to quit the CCP. After dinner we all sat there and nobody talked. I thought it was the perfect time, but once I began to speak, others started to talk in small groups, and nobody paid attention to me, as if nobody wanted to listen. I was terribly embarrassed and felt desolate. Fortunately, one person did listen, so it did not end in a completely bad way. I got home and studied the Fa, but I could not concentrate. Petty thoughts, jealousy, a show off mentality, and all sorts of attachments surfaced. I realized the seriousness of the situation and that I had to solve it. Offhandedly my mother said, "That sounds like ordinary people's thinking." I was shocked.
At night, my mother went to a fellow practitioner's home to study the Fa, and I was home alone. I began to dig deeply inside myself and thought through the things that had happened in the past half year. Didn't I want to practice anymore? Indeed I had been thinking about human things every day. My heart was tightly tied down, and I thought about how to be happy and was making plans for the future. This was truly ridiculous. Teacher's Fa is already so clear, but I was still attached to human life. I could become a Buddha, but it seemed so hard. Teacher said:
"If you hold on to humanness with one hand and won't let go, and you hold on to Buddhahood with the other hand and won't let go" ("Teaching and Explaining the Fa at the Metropolitan New York Fa Conference")
"What's a fundamental attachment, then? Human beings acquire many notions in this world and are, as a consequence, driven by these notions to pursue what they yearn for." "while many other students have found with their human notions various yearnings and wishes in Dafa, and, compelled by these human attachments, they have come to practice cultivation in Dafa." "It isn't wrong for human beings in this world to yearn with these attachments for beautiful dreams and wishes. But a cultivator definitely shouldn't be that way." ("Towards Consummation")
These words of Teacher suddenly appeared in my mind. I was awakened with one stroke: my fundamental attachment. I was suddenly enlightened, and my appreciation for Teacher cannot be expressed with words. I understood: I have been enslaved and led along by sentiment for a long time, unable to find my true self. How could I fulfill my vow? Following Teacher in Fa-rectification and offering salvation to sentient beings is the true purpose of my life.
I realized if I could not find this fundamental attachment, then so many other attachments would be even harder to abandon. Although things seemed to go well for a period of time, I still had not gotten rid of it. I could not find the attachment, and so it of course, surfaced again, and my cultivation was affected. I did not improve, which seriously affected the salvation of sentient beings. Even when I went out to tell the truth, I was surrounded by postnatal attachments. The compassion and energy of my true self was not fully exerted, affecting the impact of clarifying the truth. Teacher said:
"Do you know that one of the biggest excuses the old forces use at present to persecute Dafa is that your fundamental attachments remain concealed? So in order to identify those people, the tribulations have been made more severe." ("Towards Consummation")
Although we negate the old forces' arrangements, if we do not get rid of our fundamental attachments quickly, it enables the old forces. If they interfere with us, how can we walk well the path arranged by Teacher? If we can't recognize our innermost, fundamental attachments, it makes it very hard to cultivate to the end. I think the majority of practitioners have probably passed my level and validate the Fa and save sentient beings with real compassion. I wrote this experience sharing article mainly to expose these attachments and help to get rid of them. I hope practitioners that are in similar situations can calm down and search for their fundamental attachments. At the same time I want to share the beauty and sacredness of the practice with everyone.
If I am mistaken, fellow practitioners, please point this out. I deeply thank Teacher. Heshi.