(Clearwisdom.net) Recently, with firm belief in Master and the Fa and with Master's protection, I completely denied and dissolved the persecution by the old forces. I searched inside myself to find the attachments that had been hiding deep in me. I was finally able to break through a 15-day life and death tribulation. I am writing down my experience to share with fellow practitioners. Please kindly point out anything inappropriate.
Early one morning, I suddenly felt sick. I thought that if I rested for a while, I would be fine again. However, after lying in bed for a long time, I felt even worse than before. My head ached, and my entire body was in great pain. In addition, my body temperature went up to 39°C (102°F). Unable to sit still, I walked around the house. I tried to lie down but could not find any comfortable spot. I groaned. I thought that Master was cleansing my body. Yet, for four days, there was no sign of improvement. On the contrary, some of the symptoms got even worse. Sometimes the fever started at noon, but it would not go down until the next morning. I had ongoing fever, headaches, and body pain. Sometimes I would have cold sweats, and my temperature dropped to 38°C (100°F) Sometimes it reached 39°C, and even my heart felt uncomfortable. It felt like that my heart was hung up, and it began to palpitate. I had shortness of breath and was feeling extremely uncomfortable.
I knew that I could not continue like this: I was not able to study the Fa, practice the exercises, or send forth righteous thoughts. I felt very weak. I was unable to listen to Master 's lectures on my MP3 player, let alone clarify the truth to people. I then realized that it was not because Master was cleansing my body, but because the old evil forces were interfering. I had not eaten anything for several days, nor had I slept well. I felt that I did not have any strength. I asked fellow practitioners to help me by sending forth righteous thoughts: completely eliminating the persecution against me by the old forces and completely eliminating the Communist evil specter and all of its factors. While sending righteous thoughts, one practitioner saw clouds of darkness in the space inside my field. After eliminating them, more would emerge. After that, my fellow practitioners surrounded me, and together we studied the Fa.
I felt better that afternoon. However, in the evening after they left, it started again. The high fever came back. I sweat profusely, and had shortness of breath. While sitting in the lotus position, I started to send forth strong righteous thoughts: "I am a Fa-rectification Dafa practitioner; I am a disciple helping my Master to clarify the Fa; I completely deny all the arrangements and persecution by the old evil forces; I completely dissolve the persecution forced on me by the old forces, the dark minions, and the Communist evil specter." I said, "You are unworthy, and you do not have the right to persecute me. Your future has been rearranged by my Master, however, you chose to be eliminated. I have loopholes and attachments that are still unclear to me, but I will search inside myself to eliminate them. I will look to Dafa to rectify myself and assimilate myself to Dafa. I only walk on the path that Master has arranged for me. I will not accept any form of persecution that is forced upon me by any other forces. Anyone who dares to attempt to do so will commit crimes against practitioners. It is absolutely not permitted."
With Master 's protection and fellow practitioners' help, I firmly believed in Master and the Fa and completely denied and dissolved the old forces' evil persecution. At last, on the eighth day, the fever went down, and I could finally eat something. All the symptoms started to go away. I lost 16 lbs during those days. As a result, the shape of my face changed. However, a month later, everything returned to normal.
In recollecting those days, my xinxing was not very stable. I was irritable and always blamed my husband. I heard that in my area, quite a few practitioners had passed away due to disease. In addition, nearly 20 practitioners were arrested. Under the new round of persecution by the police department, some practitioners from our area began to have doubts about Dafa, and had hence not been doing the three things very well. Some other practitioners kept the truth-clarifying materials at home for a long time. Because of that, the weekly papers were out of date, but they still would not go pass them out. Some had been sick for a long time and were unable to break through it. They still would not search inside themselves but looked for help from outside instead.
Should I follow the steps of those practitioners who had passed away for failing to pass the tribulations? At that moment a thought appeared in my mind, "Jail can be avoided, but illnesses cannot." I realized that it was the persecution from the old forces again. I repeatedly denied it and also asked for Master 's help at the same time. No, I could not die. In my heart, I repeatedly denied it. A practitioner's death is the same as being arrested. They both mean that many sentient beings will not be saved. Master said,
"So as for the Dafa disciples in any region, you are basically the hope for the beings in that region to be saved--their only hope, in fact." ("Teaching the Fa at the 2004 International Fa Conference in New York")
I had not fulfilled my prehistorical promise, neither had I accomplished the task that Master arranged for me. During this last monumental period, many sentient beings are still being poisoned by the CCP's lies. They are eagerly waiting for us practitioners to save them.
With tears in my eyes, I told Master, "Master, I am not attached to living (Hearing the Tao in the morning, one can die in the evening). However, if I die now, I will negatively affect Dafa, which could cause many people who have predestined relationships to lose their opportunity to obtain the Fa. It will also cause those who have not been very diligent in cultivating to leave Dafa." Everyone around me knew that I was a Falun Gong practitioner and that I had previously had many illnesses. After I started practicing, my illnesses disappeared. Others often told me,"If it's good, practice at home and do not go outside." This time, they also knew that I had had a high fever for several days and told my husband to take me to the hospital. They believed that I should take medicine. I knew that if I died at that time, they would blame my death on Dafa. Wasn't that damaging Dafa? Besides, some of them had started to practice Falun Gong after hearing the truth, some had quit the CCP, and some had taken Falun Gong amulets(1) from me. For the sake of all of them, I should not die.
The second reason was that it would be a bad influence on those who were not very diligent. They would say, "Why would a Falun Gong volunteer coordinator who has been very diligent and done so much for Falun Gong die?" They would say things like this to others. Wasn't that damaging Dafa, too?
The third reason was that under Master's arrangement and fellow practitioners' help, we had finally set up a Falun Gong material production site. Other practitioners were waiting for me to make the materials for them to take to people to save them. How could I leave them like that? Because of my life and death struggle, I had failed to make Fa-clarification materials and had already affected the whole area in the truth-clarification process.
I knelt down in front of Master's portrait: "Master, save your disciple. I should not die. Many things are waiting for me to do. I have not accomplished my prehistorical promise!"
Having said that, I calmly started to search inside myself, looking for my mistakes and attachments. Wow, I discovered so many attachments and human mentalities. The old forces had manipulated me by capitalizing on my loopholes. They used this excuse to try to kill me.
When I studied the Fa, Master pointed out to me,
"In genuine cultivation practice one must cultivate one's own heart and inner self. One should search inside oneself rather than outside." (Zhuan Falun, 2000 translation version)
Dafa touched my heart, and I was shocked. I cried sadly. It turned out that in the past few years I had not been genuinely practicing. I had been cultivating with a human heart, selfishness, and attachments. Even though I did search inside myself before, I did not look deep enough. Yet, I had been very strict with other practitioners. Some practitioners told me that they dared not see me because I always saw their mistakes and was quick to point them out. Whenever we had experience sharing conferences, I would sternly point out issues. I was always the last speaker at every Fa-conference that we held. Like a leader, I would summarize and talk about the problems. I did not care about other's feelings or whether they could accept what I had to say. I only wanted to talk about what I wanted to say, and I lacked compassion. I also ignored Master's teaching that we should search inside ourselves. Master said in "Clearheadedness" from Essentials for Further Advancement,
"While working, your tone of voice, your kindheartedness, and your reasoning can change a person's heart, whereas commands never could!"
Yet, I was giving commands all the time. I had always emphasized studying the Fa, distributing materials, and sending righteous thoughts, but had not genuinely cultivated myself and searched inside myself.
I also found selfishness in myself. Sometimes after Master published some new articles, I would distribute the ones that were not very well bound but keep those that were bound well. Wasn't it selfishness? I always wanted to be perfect in everything I did and be better than others. If others did things differently, I would feel uncomfortable, thinking that they were not as capable as I was. I was always fond of putting emphasis on myself. Wasn't it an attachment to showing off? Master said in "Teaching the Fa at the 2002 Fa Conference in Philadelphia, U.S.A.":
"So what's their state of mind? It's tolerance, an extremely immense tolerance, being able to accept other beings, and being able to truly think from other beings' perspectives."... "Also, if there's something lacking in it they'll unconditionally and quietly supplement it to make things more complete and perfect. That's how they handle things."
I thought I had laid aside the attachment of lust, but in dreams, it persisted. It showed that my cultivation was not solid. Although I have been troubled by it, I am glad that with Master and the Fa, my cultivation has not ended yet. I still have a chance to improve. I will be even more diligent and do the three things even better.
This life and death tribulation enabled me to genuinely experience the fact that when we are going through tribulations, we should keep a solid belief in Master and the Fa. At the same time, we should search deep inside ourselves. We must maintain righteous thoughts and righteous deeds.
1. Amulets - In China, practitioners sometimes "clarify the truth" by giving people something small to wear or cherish, bearing a few words reminding them of the goodness of Dafa.