(Clearwisdom.net) I have been practicing cultivation for several years, but still fail to cultivate myself and look inward at all times. In the past, whenever a conflict arose, I always blamed others. I only focused my attention on the shortcomings of others, and did not truly cultivate myself or look inward at all. I felt that I was always correct and only my opinion was right, and I could not see that there was a problem with me. Sometimes I even claimed that I would look inward, but in fact I had not truly done so. Actually, the "looking inward" that I did was merely a kind of formality, and I did not know much about truly looking inward; I only said "look inward" to others for the sake of saying it. The purpose of this was to protect those hidden attachments of mine that I had not realized, and it was an excuse to cover them up. If we don't truly measure such excuses with Dafa, they will hide very deeply. Sometimes it is very difficult to identify them, and it is even harder for us to become aware of them.
This morning while I was sharing understandings with a fellow practitioner, he said, "Some disciples mentioned..." I had a look at him, as if to remind him, "Why did you again say that?" He had talked like this several times in the past, and I'd always seen it as wrong. I thought that only when Master talks to practitioners can the word "disciples" be used, and his saying the word is disrespectful of Master and Dafa, which he was not aware of.
However, not long after, he said, "disciples' sharing." As soon as I heard the word "disciple." I immediately shot another look at him. He said, "I haven't said anything wrong. In Minghui Weekly, there is a 'Disciples' Sharing' section. You are too sensitive about this word. You are about to form a rigid mentality; it has almost become a conditioned reflex and will become an attachment."
I said, "If you had not said this in the past, would I look at you today? Am I not reminding you? If you stop saying the word, will I still look at you? Will I form such a mentality?" He said, "Let's stop arguing as quickly as possible, as it simply wastes time. I'm going to study the Fa, the Fa will resolve all the issues."
At that moment, I also become aware of something. I thought that, in theory, what he was saying was right. But why in my subconscious did I feel discomfort and anger? I looked inward, and asked myself: "Why are you angry, what are you arguing about? What he said was reasonable. Even if it was not reasonable, why am I angry?" My heart should never be affected by anything. In regards to the words of the fellow practitioner, why I did not measure it with Dafa, and why didn't I try to truly understand it from a practitioner's perspective? The same words can be understood from different points of view and different levels. Each person's xinxing level is different, their perspective is different and their understanding is also different. So when conflicts arise, we start pointing fingers at each other and lose compassion as practitioners. I told myself: "Look inward, cultivate yourself!"
Now I truly understand why I got angry, why I felt discomfort; I found the source. It is because the fellow practitioner's words truly touched the root of the problem, my hidden attachments, and were dissolving and eliminating them! The attachments were unable to accept this, so they felt uneasy and discomfort, and turned against it. The fellow practitioner's words were targeting them, and were exposing them, those degenerated elements! They were inside my body, they would never criticize themselves, and they can only be exposed when others point them out to me and tell me, to let me truly realize and find them. Then, only when I cultivate myself according to the standard of Dafa can I truly eliminate them. On the contrary, if at this moment I'm not clear minded and fail to enlighten, and instead try to uphold them consciously and regard them as myself, they will be more reluctant to be criticized by others, and I will never be able to find them. Meanwhile, they achieve their objective of surviving. When I find them and treat them with righteous thoughts, they immediately get frightened and are dissolved straight away.
My cultivation level is limited, please kindly point out anything incorrect.