Presented at the Experience Sharing Conference in the UK
(Clearwisdom.net) Recently when another practitioner did not do well with a very serious test, I foolishly had the thought "I wonder if I could pass such a test." Even before the thought finished, I realized it was not a righteous thought and dismissed it as wrong thinking.
Within a day, however, I felt my jaw ache so much that my eyes were watering. I understood this manifestation was an infection and I knew it was due to my incorrect thoughts, so I sent righteous thoughts and tried to dig out the notion of fear and doubt that created this loophole.
The next day, however, it was not gone. The pain was severe now, as this seeming "infection" was taking hold. I knew it could be serious since my mother had a tooth infection which moved to her liver and her doctor told her this sort of infection can be fatal.
Master said in "Teaching the Fa in the City of Los Angeles" in February 2006:
"Dafa disciples, all the way until their last step to Consummation, will be tested as to whether they can make it. There could be very, very critical tests for you all the way until you are just one step away from finishing. That is because every step becomes more and more critical to your cultivation and your tests, especially toward the end. You know, those lawless gods of the old cosmos will try to maneuver things until the very end, as long as they are still around. When you are not up to par, they will surely try to find a way to bring you down. They know that Li Hongzhi won't abandon you, so they will use all kinds of methods to make you fall. Having just one single thought be off will make a person falter. So the closer it is to the end, the more serious and crucial the tests will be."
Even though I had to work, I sent righteous thoughts throughout the day. When I got home I tried to read Zhuan Falun but the pain was blinding and I could not see the words on the page. I tried to listen to the lectures or do the exercises but I could not focus or calm my mind. I tried to recite Lunyu, but could only struggle to repeat the first few words. The physical part of the pain was excruciating, but what was worse was that the pain completely filled my mind and was utterly debilitating. So I just kept repeating the few words of Lunyu that I could manage.
At night I could not sleep due to the pain, so I just sent righteous thoughts (with great effort) and recited the few words of Lunyu I could form in my mind. I also kept trying to dig out any attachments. But I couldn't focus enough to concentrate or think, so I did the only thing I could: I thought of Master. I felt like I was inside a furious storm of pain which was blowing around all my thoughts except this one thread of thought that I held on to tightly. I could not even focus enough to form the thought of asking Master for help, I just had the feeling that I was reaching towards Him.
The next day, the pain was still severe. I realized that I viewed this situation as a problem ¡V which acknowledges the old forces. So I let go of this notion and replaced it with a full acceptance in Master and His path for me. I laid all my faith in Master, let go of all other thoughts and believed with all my heart that it didn't matter what happened, since I was on His path and His path alone. As this day progressed, I could feel a tiny center of calm growing ever so slightly in my mind. I did not pursue wanting to be 'better' but just accepted things as they were. The pain was still severe though, and every moment felt like an eternity. Unfortunately, I then had the thought that "it was ok, so long as it was just pain which I could hide from the ordinary people around me."
The next day however, my face was badly swollen. Of course, this fear had manifested and I realized my loophole. My fear was that my husband would want me to go to the doctor or take medicine, and I knew that this situation was not about the physical manifestation, but about the old forces taking advantage of my incorrect thoughts.
So I just let go of this fear and considered my swollen face as "not a problem." I forced myself to read as much as possible. By this time, I could read a little, so my mind was able to focus more. The more I read the more I could focus. However I had previously promised my husband that I would sand the upstairs and downstairs hallway so we could decorate. The sanding machine vibrations aggravated the pain, but I accepted it and continued sanding for many hours. I still only thought of Master and as much of Lunyu as I could struggle to form in my mind.
The fourth day was still severe and my face was still swollen, but I continued with my righteous thoughts and thinking righteously that this was not a problem. I had surrendered to complete faith that no matter what, Master would make everything right and there was nothing at all to worry about. At one point my husband looked me straight in the face and said, "Are you ok?" He paused looking me over intently and said, "You look a little tired." I wanted to laugh, though, as my face was swollen like chipmunk cheeks filled with nuts and even though my husband was looking directly at me, he didn't even see the swelling.
In Zhuan Falun, Master said,
"The other day I said that the Buddha-light illuminates everywhere and rectifies all abnormalities. In other words, the energy scattered from our bodies can rectify all abnormal conditions. Therefore, under the effects of this field, if you do not think about these things, you will unintentionally restrain your spouse as well. If you do not and will not think of them, your spouse will not think of them, either."
After a few more days the pain and swelling finally went away. From this experience, I learned that by letting go of my fears and just having strong righteous faith in Master, there can be no loophole for the old forces to bring me down and no test I cannot pass.
Master says in a comment on a student's article in July 20, 2005,
"Yet for cultivators, fear or lack thereof proves [one's] humanity or divinity, and it is what differentiates cultivators from ordinary people. It is something that a cultivator must face, and the biggest human attachment that a cultivator must remove."("Study the Fa Well, and Getting Rid of Attachments is Not Hard")