(Clearwisdom.net)
[Editor's note: Wang Bo, who used to be a college student, was once transformed by the CCP with various vicious means. The CCP widely used her case to defame Falun Gong on their propaganda.]
I am a Falun Dafa practitioner in Mainland China who took a great detour and made many mistakes. I returned to Dafa only with Master's compassionate guidance and fellow practitioners' unrelenting help.
Within six months after I returned to Dafa, I constantly corrected myself through Fa study and I experienced great changes. Although I exposed the evil to the public so that they could know the truth, as a practitioner I knew I must look inward and recognize what made me go astray. I must find my fundamental attachment(s) and eliminate that before I can truly melt into the Fa. That is why I have wanted to write down my cultivation experiences for the past six months, but because I'm not yet doing well in many respects and I still have many human notions to discard, I always felt that I was not qualified to discuss my experiences, as indeed I fell far behind in terms of cultivation.
After reading Master's article "Pass the Deadly Test," I knew that I should listen to Master and tell the public my mistakes that I didn't want people to know about. At the same time I also want to share my experience in casting off the burden and passing the fatal test. On the one hand, it is to further expose the things I was trying to hide and to completely eliminate the evil; on the other hand, I want to share Master's boundless mercy and fellow practitioners' forgiveness that I have experienced during the process of passing the deadly test and during the past half year of cultivation. I further want to share the tremendous changes that I experienced. I hope this article will help fellow practitioners who are still hesitating and waiting for things to change.
A. Eliminating the Attachment to Sentiment; Doing Away with the Old Forces' Arrangements and Interferences
Fa study made me realize the reason I went astray--I didn't have determined righteous belief in Master and the Fa, and I didn't take Fa study seriously and was attached to sentiment and comfort.
Prior to July 20, 1999, I had not ever studied Zhuan Falun thoroughly. I didn't want to suffer, so I rarely did the exercises. I only knew from perception that Dafa was good. After the persecution began, the old forces saddled me with a series of arrangements and interfered with me through sentiment. I still didn't pay attention to Fa study and was trapped in sentiment and couldn't pull myself out. I could certainly have broken through the tribulation if I had studied the Fa more. I could have done away with the old forces' arrangements and openly become a Fa-rectification period Dafa disciple. Master told us repeatedly to study the Fa more, but I didn't cherish Dafa and made mistakes, time and time again, and eventually I committed an unforgivable sin. Even then, I still didn't take Fa study seriously and only tried to cover it up by doing more Dafa work. The result was that I was sent to a forced labor camp and persecuted. I went astray unknowingly amid the persecution. At first I was determined, but the next minute I turned around and betrayed Dafa. I was also deceived into speaking for a Chinese Communist Party (CCP) media, which poisoned the minds of countless people and also created interference for fellow practitioners.
After I read Master's article "Pass the Deadly Test," I looked at myself and completely gave up the "filthy burden" and truly peeled off the evil, dirty things and fundamentally eliminated them. I hope practitioners who have made similar mistakes in the past can quickly step out of selfishness. Master is so compassionate toward us! If we truly realize our mistakes and truly feel ashamed of our sins, we should immediately pay attention to Master's words and completely expose the evil and find our true nature.
In the six years between 2000 and 2005, I compromised with the evil and was placed under house arrest. We will never know how much our benevolent Master has endured for us and for sentient beings. Fellow practitioners abroad overcame many difficulties to rescue the world's people, exhausting all means to clarify the truth. Yet, I helped whitewash the CCP while I wasn't in a proper frame of mind. I committed the huge sin of interfering with people that had a righteous understanding of Dafa. I later discovered that I was deceived and manipulated, but I feared more restrictions. I wanted to quickly regain freedom, therefore I made more compromises. The more fearful I was, the worse the situation became; the more I tried to preserve self-interest, the less I got. I led a pathetic existence and I could hardly lift my chin. I felt I had committed too serious a sin, which was twisted and exaggerated by the CCP media; how could I ever return to Dafa?
I deliberately gave up on myself and forced myself to not think about it. I dared not face the real me, letting myself continue to indulge in sentiment and thinking I would be happy as long as I could defend this piece of sentiment. However, just as Master said,
"But for the majority of the Dafa disciples, Dafa had already taken root in their lives over the course of their learning the Fa, and if they were really asked to leave Dafa, I think they, being lives that had gained the Fa, would have felt that it would amount to their lives losing all hope, to having no future, and thus they truly couldn't separate from Dafa." ("Teaching the Fa at the Meeting on Writing Music")
Master's words went straight to my heart. In the past few years, I was obsessed with and pained over worldly things, and I ended up exhausted. I tried to free myself. Each time I would remember the simple and happy times when I was not even diligent but truly enjoyed cultivation. Sometimes I cried to the heavens and said, "Master, why am I like this? I don't want to be like this; how did I become the way I am now?" The old forces, however, instilled these thoughts in my head: "You have degenerated to such a despicable extent! How dare you think about Master! Be destroyed! That's what you deserve for all the sins you committed!"
Now that I have returned to Dafa, I increasingly feel Master's compassion, which is far beyond words. Master never made me endure the slightest thing that I shouldn't endure. If it weren't for the fact that I didn't have righteous thoughts, didn't cherish the Fa, and had a weak main consciousness, I never would have slipped as far as I did. Master never gave up on me. I felt it constantly during the process when I passed the test of sentiment.
I had truly gained personal freedom after I graduated from university in 2005. My soul, however, was still struggling in a swamp. The thought, "I can't stay at home" constantly flashed in my mind, so I left. My parents could find me, but I didn't want to go home. I was afraid my parents would persuade me to go home, but in fact the evil elements that were controlling me were afraid of being eliminated. My parents were worried about me, and they patiently looked for me again and again as they swallowed the mental hurt I had caused them. They patiently helped and encouraged me, and afterwards I learned that many fellow practitioners were quietly sending forth righteous thoughts for me.
I gradually calmed down and tried to escape from the evil's claw and return to the Fa. Too many mistakes made in the past few years held me back. I was obsessing about my relationship with my boyfriend of the past few years. I was jealous and fighting with people, being resentful and feeling regret. I was in the state of a non-practitioner. In the past few years I didn't study the Fa and went wild when my parents were sent to labor camps. When my freedom was taken away, my mentality warped even worse. I squandered a great deal of my parents' savings. When I think about it, I hate myself so much. My parents were Dafa practitioners. They were incarcerated, and yet I was irrationally throwing away money. I truly regretted it, but I dared not face it. I thought, "I'll get a job soon after I graduate from school. I'll make lots of money and give it to my parents for Dafa work. I can't practice Dafa anymore, so I'll just make lots of money to make up for it."
Now that I look at it, I see this filthy notion trying to cover up for my mistakes and my attachment to worldly things. Obviously, I made grave mistakes, and yet I didn't think about making things right as soon as possible and do well anew. Instead, I used my mistakes as an excuse to not practice cultivation, not expose the evil, and not break away from the evil. In fact, I was hiding my attachment to sentiment! I had fallen so far behind and had already realized my mistakes, and yet I was still "bargaining!" What a cunning attachment!
Through discussions with my parents and through Fa study I quickly realized those ceaseless thoughts were not myself. They were evil elements clinging onto me and trying to manipulate me into committing more bad deeds and eventually destroying me completely. After I realized this, I tried my best to repel them and negate them. I would send forth righteous thoughts to eliminate them whenever the evil interfered with my mind.
Master said,
"Let me put it this way, what I said just now is for all of those who have done things that are undeserving of the status of Dafa disciples. You'd better tell people about those things openly. That way, many things of yours will be eliminated, and at the same time it will make you really strengthen your resolve [to correct your behavior]." ("Teaching and Explaining the Fa at the Metropolitan New York Fa Conference")
After reading this Fa-lecture, I was a little afraid of revealing so many wrong things that I had done. But since I had read Master's words I had to listen to him. It was precisely because I didn't listen to Master that I had slipped to the brink of destruction. I gradually told my parents about everything I had done. My parents didn't blame me from the angle of human sentiment as non-practitioners; instead, they told me not to bear too much of a mental burden and that I should negate and eliminate the interference.
I again experienced the realm of compassion of a Dafa-created being. I was then able to concentrate on Fa study and doing the exercises. I knew benevolent Master was helping me; otherwise, there was no way I would be able to discard so much sentiment so quickly as it was constantly strengthened by the evil in the past few years. My parents and other practitioners who knew me couldn't believe that I was able to gain a relatively clear understanding of myself within one month. I also quietly decided to make videos and sound materials to expose the evil. We all keenly felt Master saving me with compassion. I think Master saw that I truly wanted to return to the Fa, and I truly realized my mistakes and I was working hard to overcome them, so Master removed some of the substance that formed the attachments.
My understanding is that as long as I could make it back, I was to validate Dafa and validate the compassion and magnificence of Dafa. That understanding can cause one who truly wants to do well again make a tremendous change within one short month. This change is not on the surface, but a true, change deep in one's heart. As long as one wants to do well and one is rock-solid in his righteous belief in Master and Dafa, Dafa can again purify a filthy, degenerate, and demonized mind. Now I truly understand that Dafa can rectify people's hearts/minds. It is not merely a phrase but a true experience during the process of cultivation.
Nevertheless, I encountered lots of interference in the process of giving up sentiment and returning to Dafa practice. I experienced relapses for I did so many wrong things. The old forces seized this hesitancy to fanatically interfere and persecute me. I knew that I must step forward to expose the evil and make up for the losses I had caused sentient beings. Sentiment was involved, however. I then realized at the time that sentiment was the hardest notion for me to give up and I couldn't live without it. To be more precise, I didn't know how to give it up. Later, I realized I was looking at the issue with a non-practitioner's mindset: "I live for sentiment, and I can't live without it." I was arduously fighting this attachment, even on the last day prior to the day I decided to step forward and expose the evil. My parents saw that my attachment was manifesting very strongly. They were worried that, if I forced myself to do it, it wouldn't fit the requirement of Dafa. They discussed with me that perhaps I should postpone exposing the evil for a little while and study the Fa more. I was so excited when I heard this! I was secretly overjoyed! It was truly like that. The feeling was so obvious: it was the evil! It was the evil that was so happy that maybe I would give up on exposing it and eliminating it.
Although I felt there were numerous difficulties, I gritted my teeth and persisted. It was impossible for me to give up exposing the evil. I now was not in the right state of mind and sentiment had indeed formed a huge interference, yet nothing could stop me from exposing the evil. The more it tried to interfere with me, the more I would expose it. I didn't care if I had to force myself or if it came naturally to me, I simply had to take this step forward. If I hesitated and used excuses such as "I'll expose the evil after I study the Fa more and after I improve my xinxing and I am purer" I would be finding excuses for my attachment and would have pampered the evil.
It was a battle between good and evil. The condition at every minute was pressing. With each passing minute my parents were unsure what I would do next, and evil or good, which side would prevail. I went back and forth several times and then firmly negated the evil persecution. The evil tried to use my sense of shame to make me deny that I was a Dafa practitioner and to make me deny Master, but I clearly recognized it and was not muddle-headed by my sense of shame. Instead, I constantly sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate interferences.
Master said,
"No matter how much I say, you still have to walk the path of cultivation yourselves. To walk this path well and progress to its end--nothing is more extraordinary. I say that because during the journey you will have hardships, tests of every sort, unforeseen ordeals, and you will have unexpected interference from all kinds of attachments and emotion. The interference will come from family, society, good friends, and even fellow cultivators. And along with this there is interference from changes in the state of human society and from human notions that were formed in society. All of those things can drag you back to being like an ordinary person. But if you can break through all of it, you can advance towards godhood. So as a cultivator, what is truly remarkable is when you can be steadfast and have righteous thoughts so firm that nothing can sway you. Be solid and firm like diamond, or granite, and then nothing can affect you--evil will be afraid at the mere sight of you. If upon encountering trying circumstances your thinking can be truly righteous, then, when faced with the evil's persecution and when faced with interference, just one sentence of yours fortified with steadfast righteous thoughts can instantly make the evil disintegrate (applause), and it will make those who are being used by the evil turn and flee, it will make the evil's persecution of you dissolve, and it will make the evil's interfering with you disappear without a trace. One thought born of righteous faith is all it takes. And whoever can hold firm that righteous thought and go the distance will become a magnificent god forged by Dafa." (Teaching the Fa at the Western U.S. International Fa Conference")
Like this, we stepped forward to expose the evil and safely did what we were supposed to do even though over a dozen practitioners in our area were illegally arrested by the police.
Master said,
"When we talk about putting aside the thought of life and death outside of Mainland China, it's absolutely different from when the students in that kind of environment, under that kind of pressure, and in that kind of situation talk about putting aside the thought of life and death. I don't want to say too much more about these things. If in that environment they can truly put aside the thought of life and death, though, the situation will be different." (Touring North America to Teach the Fa)
Although there might be many things we didn't do well, if we can eliminate the interferences and remain unaffected, if we can maintain righteous thoughts in the face of a life-and-death test, everything will run smoothly. Master is benevolently looking after us. The practitioners volunteering for the Minghui/Clearwisdom website spare no effort in helping us. Many more practitioners whom we've never met did everything within their power to support and help us so that we can successfully expose the evil, so that we can remain safe, and so that we can do the three things better.
When I sincerely decided to correct myself and firmly return to Fa rectification, I knew Master had never given up on me, and fellow practitioners never looked the other way. I can never repay them. I will become more diligent as it gets closer to the end, truly cultivate myself, and do well with the three things. After studying the Fa for six months, I still felt the evil interfering with my Fa study. Sometimes I felt tired and drowsy, and the words didn't really enter my head. The evil is most afraid of my studying the Fa, because I'm eliminating it as I study the Fa, so it will try to interfere with me. Of course, I didn't acknowledge it! I looked inward and saw that I didn't have a sense of urgency when it came to Fa study. I realized I must immediately break through it. Also, I still needed to discard many things in my personal cultivation. A while ago, I was upset for a long time that I couldn't firmly believe in Master like other practitioners. I realized later it was partly caused by my low self-esteem after I had made mistakes. I lost my confidence because I had made mistakes, and I doubted whether I could act with righteous thoughts and righteous behavior. After I realized this, I told myself to believe in myself and believe that I can do well and to believe that my righteous thoughts can eliminate the evil.
After reading Master's article "Teaching the Fa in the City of Los Angeles," I felt terrible, because I regretted so much the mistakes I had made with regard to lust. I felt so bad that I thought about hitting my head against the wall, but I immediately realized that this was demon nature and selfishness. It's hysteria, mixed with attachment to reputation. I felt ashamed and embarrassed, like an ordinary person. I quickly adjusted my mind and asked myself, "What's there to get crazy about? If I made a mistake, I'll correct it and completely eliminate it. Wasn't I trying to cover it up by being hysterical? Only the CCP evil specter would fly into a fury and lose its head when someone reveals a critical fact about it."
(To be continued)
