(Clearwisdom.net) I was persecuted in February 2001. After that, I could not get Teacher's new articles or read Zhuan Falun. I didn't know what righteous thoughts were or how to send forth righteous thoughts. In early April 2002, I read Teacher's articles at a practitioner's house several times, but could not understand what Teacher was telling us. I tried to send righteous thoughts, but ran into much conflict at home every time I tried. If I didn't send righteous thoughts, there were no conflicts. I knew something was not right at the time, but it didn't occur to me to find the reason. I didn't understand that the evil interfered with me through my family and that it tried to stop me from eliminating it. At the time when I couldn't understand and was dealing with many problems, I was arrested and taken to a forced labor camp.
In 2004, I was released from the forced labor camp. I read Teacher's new articles at a practitioner's home, but didn't really think much about them. I studied the Fa, clarified the truth, and did the exercises only in my spare time. I often failed to send righteous thoughts. Looking back I believe that there were many reasons. First, I was busy making a living. My mind was always focusing on how to live a better life. I even thought I could save sentient beings better if I lived a better life! Secondly, I became traumatized and discouraged when I saw people who previously practiced Falun Dafa begin to persecute Dafa and badmouth Teacher. Most of them had different levels of attachment to fame and personal gain. Thirdly, I didn't see myself as a Dafa practitioner of the Fa-rectification period. I didn't realize the evil old forces, dark minions, rotten demons, and the Chinese Communist Party's (CCP) evil specter were interfering with the Fa rectification and destroying sentient beings. I shouldn't have blamed practitioners who renounced Falun Dafa or weren't diligent. Instead, I should have focused on denying and breaking through the obstacles arranged by the old forces and eliminate evil elements. Fourth, I prioritized personal cultivation and always thought the evil wouldn't have existed if I didn't have attachments. I didn't put saving sentient beings as a Fa-rectification Dafa practitioner's top priority. Because of the above reasons, I was not clearheaded. I often fell into depression and cried. The evil controlled me, because I was not clearheaded and rational. I was very passive and often couldn't do what I really wanted to do.
One day in February 2005, two practitioners and I got together. One mentioned that she didn't understand something Teacher said and asked me for my understanding. It was from Teacher's "Fa-Lecture During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference:"
"You know what? Just on the one issue of cultivation alone it's so complex at the cosmos's lower levels. But it becomes simple at higher levels, where there's no longer any concept of cultivation but only the concept of karma elimination. At levels higher up, all troubles are to pave the way for ascending to Heaven. And at even higher levels, concepts like eliminating karma, enduring hardships, and cultivation no longer exist, and it's just a choice! This is the principle at high levels of the cosmos: you think someone is good enough, so you choose him--that's the principle."
I was shocked when I read the word "choice." It touched my most inner being and awakened me from a deep sleep. That's it. Teacher is rectifying the Fa now. During Fa rectification, Truth, Compassion, Forbearance are the characteristics of the cosmos and what Teacher does today is what the future needs! I had moved along at a snails pace and was not diligent for so many years. The reason was that I didn't understand this Fa principle clearly and I was not sure what the choice of the cosmos and the future was. I wasn't clear that the Fa rectification today is the restructuring of numerous celestial bodies and salvation of countless sentient beings.
"As I was talking about this I revealed a major truth. In this cosmos it's actually not important whether the sentient beings know who I am. But one thing has to be clear, which is, I am doing Fa-rectification--no matter who I am, I am doing Fa-rectification. I told the old forces before, "It's fine that you don't know who I am, and it's fine that you don't believe who I am, you're not sinning by virtue of that. But, where I'm going--in your concept I'm also cultivating--or what I'll achieve, that you do know. So turn around and look at what you've been doing--haven't you been sinning?" Also, at even higher levels the concept of wanting to achieve something doesn't exist, either. It's just a matter of the cosmos's choice. Everything I've been doing during the Fa-rectification and everything I want, to spell it out, are the choice of the future cosmos and the needs of the future cosmos. (Applause) So for the beings of the old cosmos, and this includes all the elements of beings, when it comes to the Fa-rectification and what I choose, all beings' harmonizing and completing things according to my choices and contributing their best ideas and approaches--not to change what I want, but to harmonize and complete things according to what I've said--is the best thought a being in the cosmos could have. (Applause) But the old forces haven't been doing it that way. They've considered their choices the most essential, and have thought that everything I do should harmonize everything they want--they've completely reversed it. I don't want to state their crimes too harshly, right now I don't want to name their crimes. But it's absolutely wrong, they absolutely can't do it that way." ("Fa-Lecture During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference")
After reading the above, I truly sensed that I must eliminate and totally deny everything the old forces arranged. I must earnestly clear the interference that persecutes Dafa and that prevents sentient beings from being saved. I must firmly change the old notions and ideas that govern my body and mind and that do not conform to Dafa. Only by doing so will I truly be able to value the importance of sending righteous thoughts. I said in my heart, "Teacher, your student is awakened and wants to start from the beginning. No matter how I did before, I want to start from scratch and walk my path righteously step by step. I must save sentient beings." At that moment, I focused all my thought on the phrase "Only to save sentient beings" from Hong Yin II (provisional translation subject to further improvement). However, to put my will into action, there were still a lot of difficulties.
I clearly understood that it was important to improve as one body and harmonize well within the group besides doing individual Dafa work. Only if all of us improved in every way can we remove the blockade set up by evil and save more sentient beings. In the process of doing this, I must have powerful righteous thoughts and remain rational when sending righteous thoughts.
I was not clear on how to have righteous thoughts like a true practitioner and how to make good use of them. I didn't know how to mentally and physically carry out what Teacher said:
"When you encounter ordeals during your cultivation, you have got to cultivate yourself and look at yourself--that doesn't mean acknowledging the ordeals arranged by the old forces and trying to do well amidst the ordeals they've arranged, that's not the case. We negate even the very emergence of the old forces and everything that they've arranged; we don't even acknowledge their existence. We're fundamentally negating all of their things, and all of, and only, the things you do while negating and getting rid of them is mighty-virtue. It's not that you're cultivating amidst the ordeals they created. Rather, you are to walk your own path well while not acknowledging them, not even acknowledging the elimination of their ordeals' manifestations. (Applause) So looking at it from this angle, what we need to do is completely negate the old forces. Dafa disciples and I don't even acknowledge the manifestations of their last-ditch efforts." ("Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Chicago Conference")
To be able to put into practice this Fa principle, to negate the old forces arrangement in every single thought, to eliminate my thoughts that didn't conform to the Fa, not only did I have to have the strongest will to support my righteous thoughts, but also had to do what Teacher said in Zhuan Falun, "you must study the high-level Fa thoroughly and know how to practice cultivation."
Consequently, I began to study the Fa diligently. Alas, interference during Fa study was enormous. I didn't let go of many attachments during my personal cultivation period. Also, a lot of new attachments formed after the persecution started and various thoughts on how to do Dafa work emerged during Fa study. I couldn't calm down and study. Once I held the thoughts that no one could stop me from studying, I worked on eliminating distracting thoughts while studying. Soon after, I could calm down and study the Fa diligently.
Initially, I felt sleepy every time I sent righteous thoughts. I realized that because I wasn't diligent as a practitioner and didn't pay attention to sending righteous thoughts, there was a lot of evil in my dimension and it severely affected me in saving sentient beings. Then, it occurred to me that the many dreams I had after the persecution started were always about evil and bad people chasing me. I was scared and ran away and never faced the evil to eliminate it. That was unacceptable! A few days later, a practitioner came to see me and told me that police knew where I was staying. This practitioner encouraged me to move. My attachment of fear emerged immediately and I thought that I was going to be arrested again. I regretted living with this practitioner in the first place. Then my thought turned around and I realized it was wrong to think like this - this is what the old forces wanted me to think. But, I couldn't help being scared and thus moved to another place with the practitioner. That night when we sent righteous thoughts, my mind calmed down immediately and I felt for the first time the power of sending forth righteous thoughts.
In March and April, I distributed some materials and talked to former practitioners who had renounced Dafa. I found that these practitioners' thoughts were very chaotic and their minds were not clear. These practitioners could not tell right from wrong concerning simple things. They believed their backward reasoning to be correct and I couldn't convince them otherwise. That night, at about 4:00 or 5:00 a.m., I saw a lot of evil in the sky above that place in my dream. Various demons and ghosts were laughing and making all sorts of weird and disgusting noises. Many demons held down my legs and arms and I couldn't move. My head was clear and I thought I couldn't let them continue and that I had to send righteous thoughts. However, my righteous thoughts were very weak and I couldn't remember the words used to send righteous thoughts. This lasted several minutes and the evil left. After I woke up, I felt that my righteous thoughts weren't strong enough and I couldn't clear the evil outside of my dimension. At that period of time, interference was very serious. I did not have the strong will to send righteous thoughts. Much happened and my attachments held me in their thrall. I was really lost. Around that time, brainwashing centers were set up in many places. Some practitioners reported on me and I had to move on.
After I left, I realized that I did something wrong. I shouldn't have left. The evil was savage, but I should work together with local practitioners to eliminate the evil and break all the interferences and blockade. I recalled Teacher's words,
"The heroic spirit by nature is great,
Even time does not wear it down,
Thought is like a diamond will,
Fully unifying Dafa principles"
("Fa Rectifies All Things," Hongyin II, provisional translation subject to further improvement)
I broke down and cried. I realized that I was weak and my will was fragile. I ran away in the midst of the battle between righteous and evil! This was not the conduct of a Fa rectification practitioner. I readjusted my thoughts and studied the Fa calmly. I remembered my ups and downs during the years of my cultivation. Many times I failed miserably. I couldn't stop crying. For so many years, I didn't listen to Teacher and didn't cultivate seriously. I was attached to sentiment and lust and did many inappropriate things. I didn't deserve the title Fa-rectification practitioner. Teacher did not give up on me and continued to give me chances to make up for what I did.
I went back. I cried again. I felt I was a disappointment to Teacher when my responsibility was so immense and numerous sentient beings needed to be saved. I didn't continue my truth clarification work. I was ashamed and I disappointed the local practitioners. There were three of us, but now there was only me. Sometimes I sat alone in my rented apartment and couldn't help shedding tears. When I felt pain, I would memorize Teacher's lectures, look at Teacher's picture and talk to Teacher. I knew I wasn't alone and I couldn't give up. I knew I had to walk this path well. There was no other way and I couldn't run away from my responsibilities.
With steadfast righteous thoughts and Teacher's guidance and help, I met many other steadfast practitioners. While I suffered from the persecution, these practitioners helped me to become more and more steadfast and taught me how to use my righteous thoughts at will.
In September, I called a practitioner who was brainwashed. I didn't know this practitioner's phone was tapped. Later a police officer pretended to be a friend of mine and called this practitioner. This practitioner was not aware of the trap and told the police everything about me. Less than ten minutes after the phone call, the police surrounded my place. I was shocked when I learned that I was surrounded but I immediately recalled what Teacher said, "Unbridled are the wicked, yet you keep your bearings, Purging evil as if but whisking dust away." ("A Will That Ebbs Not") I calmed down and escaped under Teacher's compassionate protection.
At the end of the year, several practitioners and I planned to build a materials production site. We didn't pay attention to security and our phone was tapped. We were later taken to the Public Security Bureau. When police interrogated us, I said nothing. The police handcuffed me. The moment I was handcuffed, memories of what I went through back in 2001 appeared in my head. I realized that I held too many attachments and human notions. I didn't clearly recognize the evil. Again I was facing the same situation, but I was no longer scared. I had no more attachment. I felt open and noble and had only Teacher, Dafa, and the righteous thoughts Teacher taught me in my mind. That night, with my strong righteous thoughts, I escaped again with Teacher's compassionate help.
In the year 2005, I found my true self and my righteous thoughts. I caught up with the Fa rectification process. That was the year when I knew I had become a mature and upright practitioner.
I thought it important that I share my experience with my fellow practitioners.