(Clearwisdom.net) In the past, I enjoyed competing and winning. Whatever I did, I wanted to be the best, maintaining the No. 1 position or something like that. Under this influence of vanity, I was narrow-minded and couldn't tolerate others. But I didn't realize it. When someone surpassed me, I felt uneasy. This "Asian jealousy" was hidden deep in my bones. In fact, such jealousy reflects a self-centered mentality, as well as the selfish narrow-mindedness of an old cosmos being.
After I began cultivation, little by little I eliminated my attachment to everyday people's interests. I often heard non-practitioner friends talk about buying cars or houses, or being outstanding in some way. I knew that the goal of enjoying "material happiness" was not the ultimate goal of being a human being in this world. Modern people are often troubled and attached to all kinds of wants and pursuits. Due to the attachments of fame, money, and human sentiments, they drift further and further away from the characteristic of the universe and add huge amounts of karma to themselves. Now when I hear how my everyday friends excel at something, my heart remains unmoved.
But my understanding of jealousy was very superficial. I thought that I simply wouldn't be jealous of other people. I didn't pay much attention to this mentality until my heart was provoked and felt uneasy in my cultivation. It was then that I started to examine it. It turned out that this mentality was very strong, and I didn't even realize it.
It showed in these ways: When I saw other practitioners' strong abilities in validating Dafa, I complimented and admired them. I also felt some regret about not being able to do it [that well]. When some practitioners went abroad, I thought that if I were in a [foreign] environment, maybe I could do more (I saw validating Dafa as a huge, zealous activity and an opportunity to show off and validate myself). I even thought about going abroad and handing out flyers on the street as well as participating in parades with flower-decorated floats. The cold weather was nothing. It could not be compared to those who distributed flyers to save sentient beings while facing life-threatening danger. I humanly divided the whole body of practitioners in my heart and even weighed which side was more important. When practitioners see my words above, they probably will see my dirty human thoughts. After cultivating for nine years, when I validated the Fa),I hid the mindset of validating myself and showing off. This selfishness grew and strengthened my jealousy. Jealousy is a mentality a cultivator must eliminate.
The notion of jealousy always made me feel good about myself, superior to others, and not humble. It became strong thought karma, preventing me from having a clear and clean mind. This jealousy made me always look for shortcomings in my fellow practitioners by using Fa principles to demand and even accuse them, but I was unwilling to look within myself. Subconsciously, I wanted others to reach the standards I set. Whenever a conflict occurred, I first thought about how the other party was not following the Fa, thinking about how to point it out to others. After all, Teacher said that not pointing out other's shortcomings was also selfishness, and we should improve as a whole. I used Dafa to cover up and sustain my human mentality. When I had a conflict with a practitioner, after finding my own attachment, I had to discover the other person's attachment. It seemed as if only correcting myself wasn't fair: I must make the other person realize that he or she also had an attachment in the conflict. Even if I had a fault, I always found others' faults, as if I would suffer a loss if I only corrected myself. How strong this jealous mentality of selfishness, anger and complaining of unfairness was! If I point out another practitioner's shortcomings but keep my own selfish attitude, will the end result be good? It is not for the benefit of others. My tone is not kind, because kindness is from the heart. Teacher said:
"A wicked person is born of jealousy. Out of selfishness and anger he complains about unfairness towards himself. A benevolent person always has a heart of compassion. With no discontentment or hatred, he takes hardship as joy. An enlightened person has no attachments at all. He quietly observes the people of the world deluded by illusions." ("Realms" in Essentials for Further Advancement)
I have a new understanding of Teacher's words, "If jealousy is not abolished, everything that you have cultivated will become fragile."(Zhuan Falun, 2000 translation edition) In the past, when I read those lines, I didn't know what they truly meant.
For example, when in conflict with practitioners, if one looks within and finds his human notions, he has made an improvement. The conflict itself will not be in vain. Bad things will turn into good things. But the mentality of jealousy is not about changing oneself conditionally. Even if one realizes his faults, he should not care about whether the other party makes a correction or if the other party doesn't meet one's so-called "Fa standards." He will then make accusations and feel upset and even feel he is being treated unfairly. This is judging from a human standard. He may also talk about the other practitioner's wrong doings with other practitioners. Let me ask, throughout our history, has this been the right way to abolish an attachment? With this mentality of jealousy and the conditions attached with letting go of an attachment, can one cultivate solidly? Isn't it a fragile cultivation state?
Bringing the mentality of jealousy into validating the Fa is very harmful. For example, some practitioners start to become complacent. They feel that they have done something and they are special. Intentionally or not, they will talk about how validating Dafa is difficult and how they have endured hardship and paid for it. When cooperating with fellow practitioners, they accuse others and even use the Fa principles to validate that they are correct. They do not yield to one another. On the surface, they are discussing the Fa principles in order to solve problems. In reality, they are fighting. Such a strong sense of jealousy is treating oneself as being most important and maintaining one's own warped selfishness. How can we thus form a harmonious and indestructible whole?
First, one should be able to tolerate and understand others. Then he can quietly supplement and harmonize with them. Jealousy is a wicked thought. It harms us as well as others. When I see it clearly, I require myself to hear fellow practitioners' criticism. The harder it is to listen to, the more I should be able to listen and truly look within myself. When I want to point out fellow practitioner's shortcomings or want to accuse them of something, I realize that those are wicked thoughts. I then resist and eliminate the thoughts.
These are some of my recent understandings in cultivation. My level is limited. Please kindly point out anything that is inappropriate. Heshi!