(Clearwisdom.net) After repeated contemplation I began to write about my cultivation experiences since I began learning the Fa. Originally I thought that I did nothing extraordinary and my path was not very smooth. I felt somewhat embarrassed and shy. But finally, I told myself that I must write. I should support the Minghui website (Clearwisdom) and in the meantime face my own issues. I knew that writing an article can also help dissolve the interference within and outside myself, but I still had fear. I did not dare to let others know what I was writing, which I completed in private. When I finally finished, I was relieved. But at the same time, I also felt somewhat uneasy. After submitting the article, I also began to feel anxious when I read the website.
A few days later, Teacher's new article "Mature" was published. After having read the article for the first time I suddenly felt uncomfortable: I must not have been one of the disciples whom Teacher praised, because my cultivation wasn't satisfactory at all. Disappointment overcame me and all of a sudden I felt very low. In the following days all sorts of problems emerged. I became trapped by my emotions and couldn't pull myself out; my family members were mean to me; things were not going my way at work; my colleagues complained about me; my efforts to clarify the truth were less effective. Many human attachments surfaced. I felt hurt by my family's unfair criticism, I felt sorry for not making everyone happy, and I also was worried about my colleagues' attitudes. When dealing with issues, I lacked the righteous thoughts Dafa disciples should have, and I was lost in human notions. If I hadn't woken up in time, I might have caused negative consequences.
It seemed all my attachments had surfaced. I almost couldn't breathe. Even an old sickness symptom returned. I felt very tired. Immediately I knew this was interference by the evil. I strongly denied it and began to look inside for loopholes. I shared with fellow practitioners my incorrect thoughts after reading Teacher's article "Mature." I also admitted that I had relaxed my Fa study lately. Fellow practitioners suggested I read, "The Closer to the End, the More Diligent You Should Be," which I did repeatedly. Every time I read the article with a calm mind, I felt a strong impact on my mind, like a hammer hitting.
I immediately decided to start over and read all Teacher's lectures and articles. During this process, my mind was touched repeatedly. I understood more clearly Teacher's difficult journey to spread Dafa. I also realized my sacred mission on a deeper level.
Teacher told us,
"Cultivation is a process of giving up human attachments to the greatest extent. Why do you care so much about this thing? It's because this thing that lingers in your mind, that you're attached to and care so much about, is a wall--a wall that prevents you from leaving humanness behind." ("Lecture at the Conference in New Zealand", provisional translation)
Indeed, I have already felt so many attachments lately, but I did not want to face them or let go of them. This was a kind of fear mentality, a strong self-righteous feeling and a worry that my article would not be accepted. These thoughts were really bothering me. Even after I read Teacher's article "Mature," I still felt ashamed that my paper was not as good as fellow practitioners'. I was terribly bothered that my cultivation was not solid and I might be falling behind. Aren't all these thoughts deeply rooted in attachment to recognition and fame, self-interests and selfish motives?
Teacher said,
"The evil takes advantage of the slightest gap and glares menacingly at every single word and action of yours." ("Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Chicago Conference")
When I wrote and submitted the paper I was trying to find excuses to cover these attachments. Eventually, this led to the interference from the evil.
For a long time I thought that my attachments to fame and self-interest had vanished. But now they came back.
Teacher repeatedly reminded us,
"I've told you to study the Fa a lot, to study the Fa, study the Fa, study the Fa..." ("Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Chicago Conference")
As Teacher's disciples I believe we must listen to Teacher's every word. Fa study is every disciple's foundation. Without a solid foundation based on Fa study, "saving sentient beings" becomes an empty slogan!
When I truly put down my worries, my notions to save face, and selfishness of emphasizing myself, my mind calmed down. When I read the articles published in the Second Online Falun Dafa Conference for Mainland Chinese Practitioners, my heart was deeply moved by fellow practitioner's righteous thoughts and righteous actions. I had nothing but admiration for those future enlightened beings. Finally, one day I accidentally found my article in the "Disciples' Sharing" column. Although my paper was not selected by the Fa Conference, I still could sense Teacher's expectations and his encouragement for me.
When I gave my full attention to Fa study, the hurt and feelings of unfairness were gone. I could sense the peace in my heart. I tried my best to send forth righteous thoughts at the four designated times every day. I also stepped up my effort to do the exercises. Quietly, the strong, selfish mindset left me. The "real me" came back. My righteous thoughts were stronger, and all the interference and illusions created by the evil suddenly vanished without a trace. My illness symptom was gone, and my health was even better than before. The environment around me also became more harmonious. Fa study and xinxing cultivation have created a new environment for me,
"After passing the shady willow trees, there will be bright flowers and another village ahead!" (Zhuan Falun, March 2000 translation)
Teacher told us in "The Closer to the End, the More Diligent You Should Be,"
"I know that after you become clear on this you will quickly catch up, but you should take fewer detours on this most magnificent, divine path; not leave reason for regret in your futures; and not fall so far behind in terms of levels. That is my hope, your hope, and the hope of the beings who are counting on you."
Fellow practitioners: let us walk the last portion of our path in the right direction. Let us remember "The Closer to the End, the More Diligent You Should Be."