Looking back, I wondered why many times during critical moments on my cultivation path I was not able to maintain a strong foothold and walk righteously. Through constant Fa-study, experience sharing, comparing and repentance, I've found the causes and discovered my fundamental attachments. I've therefore arrived at new understandings of "cultivation," "Fa-rectification," "righteous thoughts and righteous actions," why we need to study the Fa and study the Fa more and how to clarify the truth well. I was able to break out of incorrect states and transcend and improve myself based on the Fa.
For dozens of years, I lived my life based on the vanity of being "elite," "excellent," and "a model worker." When I obtained the Fa in 1998, I was a supervisor in a city-level department. After I started cultivating, my status became an obstacle and was one of the reasons why I was not able to do well and step forward.
No long after I obtained the Fa, I heard comments about Falun Gong from different elements in society. Then there was the incident of the appeal on April 25. At the time, I didn't have a good understanding of the meaning of Dafa or of cultivation. After July 20, the situation changed drastically, and I was not able to immediately grasp the true situation. The intense bombardment of propaganda in the newspapers and on the TV/radio stations made me realize the seriousness of the issue. Because I practiced Falun Gong, I suddenly became a special person in my workplace. People made all sorts of comments about me, different levels of upper management kept pressuring me, and I had to face one test after another. I was not aware that this was demonic tribulation and a test in cultivation that targeted Dafa and Dafa practitioners, nor did I connect this to Dafa and maintain my xinxing. Instead, I said and did wrong things.
Through constantly studying the Fa and sharing experiences in depth, I gradually enlightened to many things. My understandings of "cultivation," "Fa-rectification," "xinxing test," and other problems that had surfaced improved. After eliminating some difficulties and attachments, I gradually understood that any problem or tribulation we encountered on the path of cultivation was a response to how well we were able to steadfastly cultivate in the Fa. After I understood all this, and after I improved my xinxing, I was able to face everything that was happening around me and clearly see that the persecution of Falun Gong was a criminal act that was contrary to the facts, trampled the law, and destroyed morality.
Since my job was within the legal system, I realized I shouldn't remain passively silent. I had the right and obligation to step forward to clarify the truth and explain the facts. The first thing I thought to do was to take this issue to different departments and levels of government and tell them the truth. Therefore, I wrote repeatedly to the People's Congress, the central government, state councils, political consultants, the Central Disciplinary Inspection Committee, the Supreme People's Court, the Supreme People's Procuratorial Court, the Justice Department and its various levels, the news media, city-level forced labor camps, city committees, city councils, and other leaders in different governmental offices. I wrote in detail about my experience of cultivating in Falun Gong. I pointed out the facts of the cruel persecution of Falun Gong going on around me. I presented my views and suggestions regarding the Falun Gong issue.
The persecution kept escalating. Faced with this harsh environment, Dafa practitioners endured tenaciously and compassionately continued doing Fa-rectification and truth-clarification work. Again and again, because of Teacher's Fa principle and Dafa practitioners' Fa-rectification actions, I was able to see clearly the true nature of things. I came to understand the profound meaning of cultivation being so naturally a part of everything. I also constantly discovered and eliminated my various attachments such as selfishness and fear. Since 2000, I continued to step forward to validate the Fa, spread the Fa, talk, write, do, tell people, and explain the facts. Gradually and unknowingly, however, I began to display my attachments of a strong mentality to "get things done" and irritability. I let my guard down in the face of the evil persecution and became numb to it. A big loophole developed in my thinking process, resulting in my arrest and forced brainwashing.
I remember during that time when the evil was everywhere, I was, at the beginning, pretty clearheaded, and I kept reinforcing myself with the Fa, eliminating interference and not cooperating with the evil. Later on, with the evil's twisted and evil logic and being alternately sympathetic and vengeful, I sensed my resistance slowly diminishing. Instead of making breakthroughs in my understanding of the Fa, post-natal deviated notions took hold of me.
My whole head was numb with confused notions, coming from both inside myself and outside influences, and I just wanted to leave that place. The evil saw all that clearly. Even after I'd written and talked they still wouldn't let me go and actually became more vicious. They pushed me even further, with policemen extorting confessions from me, personnel from the "610" office taking turns with me, and collaborators trying to instill in me their evil-enlightenment. One person in charge of the "610" office told me, "Don't think that we don't have a good grip on what's going on with you. No matter how deep you try to hide, it will be exposed. You are not like other Falun Gong people; you are good at the trick of lying in order to get past something. All the things you have written have not touched the real issue. You must tell your inside story and about the people in the upper levels and so on."
One of persons in charge of a brainwashing class told me, "We have everything that you've done under our control. You have been under our surveillance for three years. You are like xxx--both of you have great influence in city-level offices. Don't even think about going out after you are in this time. You will become a "model" this time for sure. If you cannot be transformed, you'll be serving forced labor. We are counting on you to be 'transformed' completely and help us with the 'transformation' work. Try to get an easy way out. You make your own choice about where you want to go."
After listening to what they said, I actually became clearheaded: All these behaviors of mine were what the evil had taken advantage of, and I could no longer stay in that place. One morning several doctors suddenly came to check up on me and found that my blood pressure was 198/110. I also showed symptoms of dizziness and nausea. After asking various offices at different levels for instructions, they sent me to a hospital. After a few days, I was sent home from the hospital. The brainwashing class immediately sent some people to my home and asked me to return to the class to continue with my transformation. I firmly rejected their unreasonable request and pointed out to them that such an action was violating the law and morality and lacking humanity. They were speechless and had to leave. Since September of last year my wages and benefits have been terminated, and nobody can give me any explanation for such treatment.
As I reflected on what had happened previously in the course of cultivation, I was left with deep regret. I was not able to overcome it, and it was a heavy weight on my mind. It was with fellow practitioners' help and encouragement and with insights from reading Minghui articles that I was inspired to pull myself together. When I read Zhuan Falun and Teacher's lectures again I had different feelings. Everything Teacher said touched my heart and soul deeply. My cells at the microcosmic level sensed Teacher's compassion and immense tolerance. Tears wouldn't stop flowing down. Was it shame? Was it regret? Was I moved? Was I shaken? I cannot find the words to describe my feelings. When I read Teacher's new articles and some pertinent sections in his lectures, I was touched greatly. I immediately understood a lot of things and was able to find the root of my attachments.
"Faced with this demonic tribulation, a lot of the students who haven't studied the Fa in-depth and a lot of the new students, with their human attachments, each have their own different takes on things and different understandings of validating the Fa. So when validating the Fa and clarifying the truth, a lot of people do it with human attachments to some degree or other. When they're persecuted their ordinary human attachments get stirred up by human emotion, and they will be affected by phony kindness and deceit." (from "Teaching the Fa at the Washington, D.C. Fa Conference, 2002)
"There are standards for Dafa disciples, and the Fa also has standards. It's not like everyone can just muddle around together and pass muster. Every person's soul is being hit upon,..." (from "Lecturing on and Explaining the Fa at the Metropolitan New York Fa Conference")
"It's because of the Fa-rectification that I atoned for the sins of all sentient beings in the Three Realms. So think about it, as far as our students are concerned, it was as if I scooped you out of hell back then. I have truly borne for you the sins you committed over hundreds and thousands of years. And it doesn't stop at just that. Because of this, I will also save you and turn you into Gods. I have spared no effort for you in this process." (from "Fa-Lecture During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference")
"I've said that if you fall, pick yourself up and keep going forward--Master won't abandon you, and you mustn't lose confidence. There are still opportunities, and I'll save you no matter what. Now do you still lack confidence?" (from "Explaining the Fa During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference")
"Just do well next time, that's all, and don't dwell on it as if it were so grave. If in your mind you take it to be so grave it'll create another situation where you feel pressured by regret and worry, and then you will sink into the attachment and you won't be able to break out of it." (from "Teaching the Fa at the Conference in Vancouver, Canada, in 2003")
"You're cultivating, so don't be intimidated by difficulties. No matter what, no matter how hard it is, you will definitely be able to come through on the path given to you by Master." (from "Lecturing on and Explaining the Fa at the Metropolitan New York Fa Conference")
Teacher's words such as these broke up the attachments and self-enclosure I had developed because I'd done something wrong. Shame, worry, attempting to hide, and so on--these deviated notions and hidden evils were the old forces' arrangements, and their goal was to make me give up cultivation practice and to destroy me completely. I must catch them and eliminate them. That day I suddenly had a thought: "I'll make a solemn declaration one more time and tell everything that I've not done well." I hesitated and struggled. Finally I made up my mind to disregard my pride, worry, and other attachments completely. I rectified myself clearheadedly, let go of my ego and put the Fa above everything. I exposed the evil in myself and the evil from external interference! Because I enlightened that this was Teacher giving me another chance, this was part of the Fa validation and was included in the Fa-rectification cultivation.
Because of the frustration I experienced in the cultivation process, I have reflected on these experiences and have especially deep feelings regarding the following:
1. Any sham or distractions on the path of cultivation are not allowed at all. In order to cultivate, "ordinary people have to fundamentally change their way of thinking" (from "On Buddha Law", Zhuan Falun). Let go of your pride, keep yourself grounded, do solid work, study the Fa, and cultivate genuinely. Otherwise, you'll sink into your attachments.
2. In the face of so-called "transformation" by the evil, we must not cover up our attachments and go along with the evil, thereby accepting the interference. Everything that causes practitioners to "enlighten" on an evil path or be confused originates from the old forces' field that exists in certain other microcosms. How to eliminate interference and destruction was elaborated in detail in Zhuan Falun's "Your Thoughts Have to be Proper," "Spirit Possession," and "No Second Discipline." Teacher has told us not to look at, listen to, or accept these things. But when I was in the brainwashing class, I forgot about Teacher's words. I wanted to know what the evil enlightenment was all about, and I wanted to get into it and analyze it. In doing this I fell right into the evil's trap: The door was opened and an opportunity was created for the evil to enter my body. At that time I was very confused and almost fell for it. It was a very dangerous and awful time. I felt deeply that, if I didn't study the Fa in-depth, if I didn't have sufficient righteous thoughts, or if my cultivation was not solid, it would be difficult to remain unaffected under the evil persecution, and I would be easily interfered with by external messages and obstructed by my own deviated notions. This was indeed a very hard lesson. Meanwhile, I realized clearly that in order to walk my cultivation path righteously and do well, I must work on the fundamental issue of cultivation, "...you have to be sure to study the Law of high levels inside out and know how to cultivate" (from Zhuan Falun)
3. Be determined to break out from under the shadows of blemish, self-blame, and depression. Eliminate the entanglements of the evil completely. If you formed an attachment because you did something wrong and you could not get over it, if you failed to enlighten from the Fa as soon as possible and eliminate these black substances, you would then be falling for the evil's trap again, you would then be acknowledging and accepting the old forces' arrangements. Their goal is to drag you down even further, so you must get rid of them completely, eliminate them, let go of the baggage and keep going forward. After I pulled myself together again and read through Zhuan Falun and all of Teacher's lectures in a short period of time, my face was wet with tears.
4. Studying the Fa and cultivating the mind is fundamental to everything in cultivation. At almost every opportunity Teacher has stressed repeatedly the importance of Fa study. Fellow practitioners also talked about it, and I knew about it, yet I didn't feel it deeply. This time the evil's test actually exposed the level and basis of my Fa study. It was only after I encountered problems that I realized I hadn't let go of the fundamental attachment of "protecting myself." I hadn't studied the Fa in depth, and my cultivation state and character had not reached the Fa's standard. I had found my fundamental weaknesses. In addition, I had developed bad habits from working in corrupt government offices for so long. Those deviated notions were responsible for other disturbances such as dishonest words that went against my conscience and deceitful behavior. Therefore, at the time when I needed wisdom and strength most, I was not able to make breakthroughs from the Fa, and I failed to display righteous thoughts, righteous belief, and righteous actions. When I read Teacher's words again, "The Fa can break all attachments, the Fa can destroy all evil, the Fa can shatter all lies, and the Fa can strengthen righteous thoughts." (from "Driving Out Interference"), I had an even deeper feeling about the seriousness and importance of Fa-study.
I know the time for Fa-rectification is approaching. The path of cultivation is still difficult. I need to seize the time to study the Fa more, clarify the truth more, and send righteous thoughts more. I've found my attachments, and I've become mature. I will do better from now on in Fa-rectification cultivation, I will make up for the mistakes I have made to compensate for the loss and negative effects I've caused. I will follow what Teacher says in "A Righteous God:"
"With Righteous Thoughts and righteous actions,
He is diligent without letting up,
Eliminating demons that damage the Fa,
He is good to all beings"
I will not let down Teacher's compassionate salvation.