Before obtaining Dafa, I had been seeking a righteous Tao or a righteous Fa and gone through all kinds of hardships and difficulties. I know that many Dafa practitioners have had similar experiences. In order to find the truth, we have all made tremendous sacrifices, and finally came to cultivate Dafa. First, I would like to briefly share with you my experience before I attained Dafa, as well as some of my understandings after attaining Dafa. I hope it will help us make progress together at this experience sharing conference.
About ten years ago, I worked in a nursery school, which was in a Buddhist environment. Every morning and evening, I took the children to pray to Buddhas. All the people there have to be vegetarians and live a simple and modest life. I did not really quite understand it at that time, so I just followed them with a vague understanding. I was just like a little monk chanting the scriptures without absorbing the meaning. In that environment, each child I encountered had a special background that you could hardly imagine. Looking at those naive and innocent faces, I always shed tears in private. I left there because to continue my education. At least that was the reason on the surface. In actuality, I was quite clear in my heart that because I was too young to know anything about the ways the world functions, the mental burden was more than I could bear.
After leaving there, I always wished to go back, and I always hoped I would be able to help those who really needed help. I wanted to help them find true peace, real love, and a heart with no resentment or hatred. Of course, if I myself was not able to meet that standard, how could I tell others or ask others to do so? The environment in today's society, in particular, is full of selfishness, self-interest, and interpersonal intrigue. Even so, I still longed to find the answer.
My father-in-law committed suicide when my husband was 11 or 12 years old. The pain from that past had long surrounded us and affected our lives. I only knew that that kind of hardship is very, very hard to endure. Some people act on impulse, thinking that it is a kind of escape, but when they became aware of the result, it is too late to turn back. What a misery it is to lose one's human body. As his children, we felt that all we could do for him was to raise his soul from suffering in the next world by constantly chanting Buddhist sutras for him, hoping that he would be freed soon. As such, I got up very early everyday to have morning prayers, worship Buddhas, and confess my sins. During confession, I could feel the misery of life, my own and other people's sufferings, as well as all the twisted bitterness. I made a wish to Bodhisattva from the bottom of my heart.
About two months later, I was introduced to a nun. I heard that she was very benevolent and never accepted offerings. I thought that it must be that the benevolent Bodhisattva had heard my imploration and had arranged for her to come save me and guide me in cultivation in a righteous Fa, or Dharma. So I embarked on my cultivation path in a devout and happy mood. From that day on, the homework I had to do became more and more. Sometimes I would be sternly asked to leave immediately, so I had no choice but to walk out of the Buddhist hall silently and kneel outside the door repenting and kowtowing. Sometimes they would spontaneously notify me that I could go to the Buddhist hall. They repeatedly did this, saying that they were testing me to see if I could pass the tribulation of enduring humiliation. I knew that I could never complain because I had too much karma. However, all this did not liberate my soul, but seemed to tie me even more tightly.
When I became determined to practice cultivation, my husband didn't understand me, and there were more conflicts and troubles between us. It seemed that I was living in hell. I could neither live nor die. Tears covered my heart and body, yet I could not change anything surrounding me at all. In my despair, I thought of my own oath, so I gritted my teeth and refused to be overwhelmed. I only knew that I had to keep it up until the last moment. Otherwise I would have come to the human world for nothing. Moreover, I would be unworthy of the opportunity that Bodhisattva gave to me, and it would be unfair to myself.
About a year later, at the end of October 1996, I fell off a bicycle on my way back home after picking up my child from school. After being sent to the hospital for emergency treatment, I was told that the accident had caused my right foot to open and the bones were crushed. Even the doctors could not tell for sure whether I would be able to recover or not. Therefore I had to submit to the will of Heaven. I unexpectedly went from a healthy person to being disabled. Whenever my father pushed me in my wheelchair to the nearby park, I would always look up to the sky, confessing in my heart to the Gods and Buddhas in Heaven, begging them to show benevolence for my sincerity and give me another opportunity to practice cultivation...
I lived such a life for another half of a year. The nun who had already cut off relations with me unexpectedly gave me a call. She told me a cultivator with high virtue was deeply moved after reading my letter, and he wanted me to go to him so that he could deal with it. Thus, about ten of us went to his place. Later, I could surprisingly walk even though there was no bone in my ankle. I had long thought that I had found the real Taoist rite. After I was able to walk, I sacrificed all I had to repay this Taoist for the miracle. I hoped more people who were enduring hardships like me would get his help so that they could continue to practice cultivation. Therefore, I pushed myself beyond my abilities in making every effort to help finance the Taoist. Sometimes I saw his incorrect words and deeds, but when I put forward my doubts, he could always skillfully explain that cultivators should cultivate speech, or tell me some specious principles that made me ashamed of my suspicion. I felt that I should not suspect others.
Another three years passed like this. By the time his true face started showing, I was hundreds of thousands of US dollars in debt. I hid in my friend's vacant house in the mountains by myself, cold and scared. I didn't know what I to do. Two months later, for fear that my debts would bring trouble to my husband and children, I asked him to divorce me. My relatives and friends could not understand... I didn't know how to continue my life. I had been asking myself why? Why? Why couldn't I find a place for me in such a big world? I almost destroyed my whole life simply for a so-called orthodox Taoist rite. From time to time, in the heavy rain, I could not help crying out to the sky, "Bodhisattva, please be compassionate and give me a little courage, a little strength. Although I am tired of this life, how can I close my eyes in such circumstances? I must find a genuine orthodox Fa. Only then can I pass away without regret!"
Ten months later, I read Zhuan Falun at my colleague's suggestion. Every word and principle in the book struck my heart. This was precisely the righteous Fa that I had always been seeking in my heart! Due to my former frustrations, however, I would not dare to risk believing that these practitioners would really be able to do what it said in the book. Would they say one thing but do another? I could not risk my life to make another blunder. So I carefully observed them, and observed them some more, and hoped that I would not be cheated. In this way, I finally came to cultivate Dafa.
After experiencing all kinds of hardships, I finally found a genuine place where I could rest. My hesitant and helpless heart became balanced. The principles freed me from those twisted troubles of long before. Master says in Zhuan Falun, "To tell you the truth, the entire cultivation process for a practitioner is one of constantly giving up human attachments. (Zhuan Falun, p.2)" When looking back, I found that I had too many attachments in my former experiences. Although I had never complained to Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, I could see clearly that my heart was not benevolent according to the principles. I thought that I did good deeds and helped others, but how could it be called benevolence when I did something that I thought was good with so many attachments? I even exceeded my own abilities, going to extremes. I think that a heart of seeking the Tao is precious and rare, yet my own stubborness affected others' seeking the Tao. I suddenly awakened when I realized this. The source of all this suffering was rooted in me. After understanding this, I was miserable and blamed myself, but I could not go back and do it all over again now that I had come to this point. I finally understood, "Within a special dimension that does not have the concept of time, when a person is born, his or her entire lifetime already exists there simultaneously. For some people, even more than one lifetime exists there. Some people may wonder, 'Is it that our individual efforts for changing ourselves become unnecessary?' They cannot accept it. In fact, individual efforts can change minor things in one's life. Some minor things can be altered slightly through individual efforts, but it is precisely because of your efforts for change that you may obtain karma. Otherwise, the issue of committing karma will not exist, and neither will there be the issue of doing good deeds or wrong deeds. When one insists upon doing things this way, one will take advantage of others and do wrong deeds. Accordingly, that is why cultivation practice requires time and time again that one should follow the course of nature since you will harm others with your efforts. If your life does not have something to begin with and you obtain what should belong to another person in society, you will owe that person a debt."(Zhuan Falun page 76)
I had nothing when I obtained Dafa. Only Dafa principles made me deeply moved. I thought, as for such a penniless and destitute person as me, what else can I pursue at this moment when I have obtained the truth after painfully seeking it for so many years? Therefore, with a devout heart, I do all I can and hope that I am able to assist the teacher in the human world during the Fa-rectification, and promote the genuine righteous Fa and righteous Tao. If I can do this, I would be able to close my eyes peacefully in death.
Within only a few months, a physical exam from my company indicated that all the diseases that had bothered me for so many years, including a kidney stone, headaches, lumbago, and a painful bonespur in my leg had all disappeared. I didn't even know exactly when they had all healed. Although I cannot look back to the past, I really feel the Buddha's benevolence everywhere in Dafa. Master says, "In providing salvation to humankind, the Buddha School does not attach any condition or seek returns, and it will help unconditionally." (Zhuan Falun, page 6). Within Dafa, everything that happened in the past seems so insignificant. When we really understand the truth of loss and gain in the universal principles, when we understand how Gods see human beings, my heart is full of measureless gratitude and inspiration...
After finding the fundamental meaning of life, I diligently, genuinely, and wholeheartedly cultivated Dafa. As my understanding of Dafa becomes deeper and deeper, my heart becomes more steadfast. I cherish Dafa even more because I obtained it after experiencing all kinds of hardships for so many years. It is a grace that I could never repay even if I were to exhaust my life! Our compassionate Master has borne so much for us. He only looks at our hearts and has never accepted even one penny. Only within Dafa can we genuinely feel the Lord of Buddhas' mercy! I deeply understand that nothing is coincidental for practitioners. It is impossible to describe our Master's compassion even if we use up all human language!
It is not easy for any of us to attain the Fa. No matter how difficult the situation is, no matter how rampant the evil is, I think we must safeguard the Fa more steadfastly. We cannot leave any gaps for the evil and we cannot lose the opportunity that we have made tremendous sacrifices to obtain. When sending forth righteous thoughts, I can feel that I am breaking a path through obstacles layer by layer. Cultivation is serious. No matter how painful things are in the human realm, it is really just a few years. Not to mention that what our Master bears for us is much more that what we endure by ourselves. Whenever I think of this, I feel more determined. I put Dafa first in my life, and I'll verify the Fa with my life. I also sincerely hope that every Dafa disciple will take the final step well in this last period of time, and keep every step straight. Consider the Fa as the teacher in dealing with everything. Firmly take the responsibility as a Dafa particle. Our Master takes the responsibility for every genuine practitioner. Shouldn't we even more be responsible for ourselves? Finally, I would like to share Master's article "The Knowing Heart" as encouragement for all of us!
With Teacher at the helm, the Fa saves all beings,
áááááááááááááá One sail is hoisted, one hundred million sails follow.
With attachments left behind, the lightened boats sail swiftly,
áááááááááááááá With a preoccupied human heart, crossing the ocean proves arduous.
The wind and clouds suddenly change, and the heavens seem to crumble,
áááááááááááááá The mountains shake, the seas churn, and the ferocious waves billow.
Follow Teacher closely, steadfastly cultivating Dafa,
áááááááááááááá With attachments too strong, bearings are lost.
Some flee for their lives, deserting capsized boats and torn sails,
áááááááááááááá As the mud and sand are completely sifted, gold shines forth.
Grand talk counts for naught when it comes to life and death,
áááááááááááááá Actions reveal what is true.
When the day of Consummation arrives,
áááááááááááááá The great disclosure of the truth will leave the world in amazement.
I've just briefly reported how I obtained the Fa, as well as some of my experiences. I hope we'll cultivate diligently together in this last moment, and the brightness will surely be our future. Thank you!