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By a Japanese practitioner living in the U.S.
I'm 53 years old and have practiced Falun Dafa for about 5 months.
In spite of the goodness of my parents and six siblings, throughout my childhood, there always was a feeling of loneliness and isolation in my mind. In my young adulthood, I was very honest and someone once warned me not to be too honest; that made me feel stupid. After that I struggled to not be too honest and stupid. I gradually became "smarter" as I aged, but it was against my conscience, and the sense of isolation from my childhood was still there.
I came to the United States from Japan 30 years ago to marry my fianc└. I have been quite happy after marrying, at least in my private life. On the surface probably I looked normal, but I could not help feeling foreign among my Japanese coworkers and friends, and I had a tendency to retreat into myself and my family. After many years of striving, I started to learn how to be on my own and to follow my own conscience and judgment. I kept saying to myself, "It's ok to be
different." When I was about to reach 50, like many other women of similar age, I started to have a hormone imbalance that brought chaos to my health. Many of the problems could be controlled by taking herbs, but most of the herbs were not supposed to be taken for a prolonged period. As soon as I stopped taking them the problems came back.
About the same time, I became interested in meditation and was looking for an opportunity to learn it, without success. Then one day someone introduced me to Falun Dafa. After the sitting meditation, we read the book, Zhuan Falun. Immediately, it fascinated me. After all those years I found a book that told me my conscience had been right. I went back to the practice site again the next week. The book was telling us about tribulations this time. I thought, "This is it. Sure, there is a purpose for our
sufferings." I was delighted. The truth was that this book struck me deep in my heart without any apparent reason. And whatever the reason was, I knew I had found something which I had almost given up searching for. A month later, I attended a nine-day seminar. When about two months had passed, I suddenly realized that I hadn't taken any herbs for a long time and I was feeling
fine.
When I became serious about cultivation, my desire for making Falun Dafa known to other people grew. I started to participate in activities whenever possible with a fear deep in my mind, the fear that I would be forced to face my greatest weakness and change it; that is, my unusual shyness and nervousness. I have lived all my life avoiding the spotlight. The thought of talking to strangers made me nervous. Master Li has said that fear is an attachment. It was unavoidable to go through this ordeal to remove that attachment.
As the persecution in China kept getting worse, I joined other practitioners at the mall to collect signatures for a petition and to raise awareness of the persecution in China. At
first I did not know how to talk to the people and I was at a loss. As a result I was not very successful in getting the signatures. With remorse, I took a moment at home trying to think what was wrong with me.
Soon another trial was given to me. I was to go to the community center on Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday. There was a large assembly going on, and with another practitioner I was supposed to collect signatures for the same petition. Since my fellow practitioner had no experience, I was nervous again. But when the assembly was over and people came out one by one, without thinking much, the words came out of my mouth naturally. I felt my attachment become smaller.
In the past months, I have been forced to face my weaknesses and defects one by one. The tests never seem to cease coming.
Once I was supposed to do a job for someone and forgot about it. When that person called me to see if the job was done, I said, "Sure, it's ready," and as soon as I hung up I started to do the job. I did the job but I had a very uncomfortable feeling in my mind. I said to myself, "Was this a lie? Yes, I think it was. But it did not harm anyone, why is it bothering me? That's because it is against the law of the universe." Soon
after, on a different matter I lied again and this time I immediately regretted it and thought about why I did it. It became apparent that I lied to make myself look more capable and better than I actually was. It was an attachment of pride. I felt ashamed. When a third trial came, I told the truth and apologized.
Now, Falun Dafa has become a part of my life. Where has the loneliness in my heart gone? I cannot
find it anywhere. Thank you, Master Li.
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