(Clearwisdom.net) I have not been in a very good state recently, as I haven't wanted to study the Fa or clarify the truth, but have just preferred to send forth righteous thoughts. I know it is not right and it has me very concerned and I want to break through it. I discussed this with many fellow practitioners, and exchanged experiences with them, hoping to gain a better understanding from them. My fellow practitioners told me that these thoughts of slacking off were not my own thoughts and I had to negate them. I understood, but how did I get into this state?
Now I feel there is something behind this that I have not paid attention to. It is the attachment to leisure.
After I finished reading Zhuan Falun the first time, I understood that a human being can cultivate to a Buddha, extricate oneself from this level and no longer suffer any bitterness. The profound Fa deeply moved me. I then obtained the Fa on the basis of wanting to consummate and no longer suffer any bitterness. I thought it was a legitimate reason to obtain the Fa. At the beginning of practice, I was not interested in spreading Falun Dafa. I thought doing so was quite tiresome and a waste of time. I paid close attention to studying the Fa, as Master taught us that it would guide one to reach the state of consummation. I paid close attention to the elevation of myself. No matter how bitter or miserable, I looked inward.
Whenever a problem arose, I understood that I could be at peace by finding the attachment and getting rid of it. If I do not look inward, the attachment could make me miserable, and I don't want to suffer.
When I obtained Dafa, it was also at a time when Dafa was being persecuted. Master asked the practitioners to do well the three things. I knew the importance of listening to Master, of doing the things that related to Dafa, and clarifying the truth, but in my case, it was not from the heart of saving the sentient beings. I mechanically clarified the truth, distributed truth-clarifying material, sent forth righteous thoughts in front of Chinese Embassy, went to parliament to talked to the member of a legislative body, found lawyers, and edited newspaper articles. I was involved with many activities, but I seldom sat down and thought about what I had said, or whether it could truly help them understand the truth. I just did what I was supposed to do, since I understood that it was essential for me to walk the path to reach the state of consummation. This selfish thought is difficult to discover. I told fellow practitioners and myself that I was doing these things to save sentient beings. I always used this to cover up my true mentality of wanting to extricate myself from this level, and no longer suffer.
Later, more and more activities related to Dafa appeared. I started to pick the easy and light jobs to do. I seldom went out to distribute truth-clarifying materials, and no longer went to parliament to talk to the members of a legislative body. I stayed at home, made phone calls, and edited newspapers. I used all sorts of excuses not to go out, as it is quite tiresome, to the point that I did not even want to do the Dafa exercises. I knew this was not right. I wanted to break through it by studying the Fa. I wanted to break through it without suffering and I was stuck. I had a strong attachment while studying the Fa, as I wanted to be diligent without suffering. How could that be?
It gradually became clearer that, during the several years of my cultivation, I have used Dafa for the purpose of extricating from this level and no longer suffering. I have not truly attempted to assimilate with Dafa, but was instead focused on the purpose of no longer suffering. When I read Master's new teaching, it seemed that I looked at the flower through the fog, as if I were the outsider and that made me even more miserable. As I kept reading, one thought became clear and firm: "No matter how dirty my thoughts were, or how disrespectful to Dafa, that was before I was aware of them. Now that I am aware of those thoughts, I will eliminate them, negate them and cultivate to get rid of them. I will firmly cultivate Dafa and follow Master. I will try my best to do well on the remaining path."
I want to expose the attachment through this article, as a means of helping myself get rid of it. I hope this article may help fellow practitioners who have the same attachment.